*Long Read Warning* How do I know if I’m getting better mentally?

[Bear2024]

Just need to vent, if you read this and commented thankyou, it helps getting another perspective on the situation.

Male, 20

Parents went through a divorce in 2022 and it was ugly to say the least. (Mom was an alcoholic, dad was a cop and emotionally distant due to his Mexican culture and upbringing.)

Multiple alcohol infused fights on mom’s part and a toxic/hostile home environment during childhood all the way up to teenage years with me having to be the sole moderator/peacekeeper having to break them up.

One night one of these fights results in cops being called by my mom because she was drunk and wanted my dad to lose his job which resulted in my dad being separated on some kind of family violence rule in his police department.

Dad is separated and can’t contact any of us and goes to live with his brother while an internal investigation is made by his police department.

During this time covid is also happening so there is no in person school or sports happening for me because of the situation so me and little brother are forced to live in the house with alcoholic mom and having to come home to her drinking regularly, during this time there were a couple fights between me and mom with mom pulling knives and being chased around and having to wrestle knives and guns out of moms hands during these things.

During this investigation which lasted probably 6 months dad continued to buy us groceries, things because he was still getting paid during the investigation, he just couldn’t contact us so he’d have other family members deliver us groceries or send us money for stuff.

During this time another fight between me and mom happened in public, I said something that pissed her off and ended up getting a metal water bottle thrown at me while sitting in the front seat of the car in a grocery store parking lot and I reached my breaking point with the abuse and called CPS, which resulted in me and little brother being taken out of the house to go live with dad at my uncles house for another 6 months probably.

During this time covid was still going on and this was my sophomore year in high school so we were still going to school online while at my uncles house.

After the investigation my dad ended up losing his job as a police officer and was allowed to come back home and contact my mom again.

Dad,Little brother, and I move back into house but not for long because with no job as a cop, dad won’t be able to keep house and will have to sell it and split it 50/50 because my parents are officially getting a divorce on top of that.

After coming back home I took an interest in the military, more specifically the marines and I lost 90lbs to achieve that goal of joining, I also switched from my regular High School to an accelerated learning academy my senior year because I was behind on credits and wanted to graduate early so I could join the military and leave already.

There was a lot of pressure from my recruiter to ship out early and my parents were still sleeping in the same bed, having sex with eachother , still being around eachother, mom still drinking even though they were filing for divorce and were going to lose the house at some point because my dad didn’t have a job and couldn’t keep paying the mortgage.

Family starts to pack all our stuff in preparation for losing the house, dad somehow finds an income based 2 bedroom apartment close, so we just wait until the house sale, during this time I’m still working on getting my credits back and finishing up my last year of high school and losing weight to ship out for the military, I would say now that there is a lot of pressure and turmoil, and stress during this time from my recruiter, school, and also my parents situation, because mom is STILL drinking and dad is enabling her the entire time by STILL providing the alcohol.

The last week or two we had left in the house were some of the worst fights, being woken up wt the wee hours of the morning to my parents fighting, knives being pulled, objects being thrown, yelling, screaming, and me having to break it all up.

September 2022 the family parts ways, Dad, little brother, and I move into this 2 bedroom apartment.

I am working at a carwash down the road at this point since I have finished school and got my credits and am waiting on my ship date to the marines I work there all the way until December 2022, at this point my anxiety and depression has peaked for whatever reason, I’m having trouble sleeping at night, I’m exhausted all the time, I’m forgetting how to do stuff, having trouble concentrating, headaches, brain fog, feeling lightheaded, etc.

This results in me having some kind of panic/anxiety attack at work one day, so I called 911 or a crisis hotline, I can’t remember and my dad because I didn’t know what was going on I just felt like I was freaking out and having crazy, anxious, suicidal thoughts in my head that I’ve never experienced before in my life.

I end up being voluntarily admitted into one of the local mental hospitals for a week in the children’s section because I was still 17 at this point, if I remember correctly I was diagnosed with mild depression by the doctor there and was given a treatment plan, not prescribed any medication though, I didn’t want to have to take meds for personal reasons.

After this I honestly felt broken, I couldn’t handle this pressure and I cracked and I decided that I didn’t want to go to the military anymore with all the stuff that’s happened up until that point and all that I’ve been dealing with, I lost interest.

After this episode I went back to working at a movie theater in town that was another job I had in high school before the carwash and I worked there for a couple months.

Around June 2022 I found a better paying job at another carwash in town that was starting at $15 an hour so I went to work there.

I worked at this new carwash for a year and a half and it was a very eventful, stressful time in my life as well.

During this year and a half I decided I wanted to move out cause I wasn’t happy living with my dad, we weren’t getting along at the time because I am having trouble processing the divorce still and also having to sleep on the couch and having trouble sleeping on top of that because of my anxieties, on top of that we have another person living with us now (one of my friends from high school that was supposed to be living with another friend but was basically thrown at me and just mooched off of me and my family for like 5 months.)

I decide I want to move out because I don’t want to deal with all of it anymore so I end up living with my boss at work who offered me a place to stay because he lives right down the road from our work in an apartment, My mistake I really didn’t know this guy super well but I just wanted to leave at this point so I took him up on his offer and moved in with him and another coworker.

My mistake, I didn’t know but this guy was an alcoholic just like my mom and I paid the price for it by having to deal with the same stuff I had to deal with my mom, coming into the room while I’m trying to sleep, wanting to fight all the time, partying and having friends over and doing drugs/drinking with them while I’m there, this guy was also just a bully and would pick on me at work and home because I’m a bigger guy I guess.

We got into a couple fights and I only lived there for like 2 months because I couldn’t handle living with them.

After those 2 months I forced myself to move back in with my dad because I had nowhere else to go, this is around May 2023.

I’m still working at the carwash and my boss was fired during this time so I don’t have to deal with him at work or home anymore which is good, but with my position at work I am thrust into a more stressful manager position having to run the 2nd highest volume carwash in the entire company, usually by myself most days, I can say I was taken advantage of by my employer at this time.

January 1, 2023 our family dog dies as well, to keep it short this was a great dog and she didn’t live that long and was seriously my only friend at some low points in my life.

July 2023, around this time I still don’t want to keep living with my dad because I’m STILL having to sleep on the couch or the floor and not having any privacy or any space to myself, so ANOTHER coworker offers me a place to stay, this time it’s actually an apartment and I can get on the lease for $500 a month, I’ll have my own room and my own space finally, maybe get a girlfriend and have friends over for once, seems to good to be true right?

During all this time I am also struggling financially because I sold my first car that I bought with my own money for an older truck that I wanted and my dad helped me buy, he gave me a loan for it that I’m still paying off to this day.

Back to the living situation now, my mistake again just moving in with strangers I really don’t know well, this guy is probably even worse, drinks all the time as well, doesn’t party but has this dog that I thought wouldn’t be a hassle but this dog was just the worst. (Whining,barking all the time, tearing stuff up, pooping, peeing on the floor, etc.)

August 2023 I decide I want to get my own dog to try and fill the void that my last dog left so I decide to adopt a puppy, at this point I’m still working at the carwash and we go under new management because we’ve already gone through 5 general managers at that point.

I can’t see eye to eye with this new management and I’m being worked and taken advantage of and getting super frustrated and dealing with a lot of work drama amongst coworkers so I have to quit at this point because it’s not good for me.

October 2023, I quit the job at the carwash, my 2 older brothers are electricians with the union and they offer that I go try and be one because I need a job at this point and I have some interest so I take them up on it on a whim, another huge mistake.

The older truck also dies on me and isn’t worth fixing so I sell it and get some help from my dad to get a 2005 Honda accord as my new car.

I’m still dealing with my anxiety and depression at this point and to say the least this job just makes it worse, having to worry about layoffs and having to drive upwards of up to an hour and a half to two hours everyday for work after working 8-10 hour shifts, all for very low pay, so I’m really not enjoying it whatsoever and it’s draining me mentally and physically.

I can say at this point I am completely burning myself out because during all of this I’m trying to workout and also go to school in the Catholic Church so that I can join the church and find God, another big mistake.

February 2024, at this point I’m having to remove stuff I can’t do all of this stuff anymore by myself I end up getting rid of the dog, quitting Catholic school because I’ve lost interest and it’s kinda culty, and I don’t want to participate anymore, during this time I also had a girlfriend for a month or so but ended up breaking up with her because I didn’t want to deal with having a girlfriend either.

March 2024 rolls around and I’m still living at my apartment and having to drive 2 hours everyday to work, during this time the 2005 Honda accord blows up too and I’m in need of a car so I bite the bullet and take out a $16000 bank loan to buy a 2018 Honda Civic.

April 2024

I’m still burnt out and having anxiety and depression and so I end up calling it quits on the electrician stuff too, I lost interest and it’s also something I’m just not really not good at or can see myself doing long term personally, on top of the stress and work environment of the job, I just don’t want to do it anymore, it’s not for me.

At this point I can’t deal with my roommate or his dog anymore either, he has a fiancé that I am also friends with that lives with us and we both end up leaving for our own reasons, she goes to live in an RV and I suck it up and move back in with my dad because financially without roommates and being unemployed I can’t realistically get my own place anymore and from past experience I just don’t make the best decisions or have the best of luck when choosing to move in with people.

I am now living with my dad, sleeping on a twin size mattress on the floor in the living room as a 20 year old man, broke, no girlfriend, no dog, really no friends,no real job just doing DoorDash while trying to find one, also under financial stress because I’m still paying rent at my apartment because the lease doesn’t end until June 16 and I don’t want to break the lease and mess up my credit, also paying off the loan from my dad for the older truck that died and also the bank loan for the car that I have now, I have a grace period for the bank loan and my dad finally decided to give me a break on the money I owe him until I can get an actual job and get back on my feet because this is the first time in my life ive had to get back on my feet.

During this time I start going to a therapist because my dad has insurance until I’m 25 because I need help learning to process everything because I’m honestly so lost and confused and exhausted at this point and I decide I need help and can’t handle it on my own and my family isn’t helping at all.

May 2024

At this point I am trying to find a job and it’s looking alright, I have an application going through for another carwash that I went into an interview for in town, I just need a job at this point and i told myself I wouldn’t ever work at another carwash again but that’s the only experience I have working so far so I’ve kind of sucked it up a decided I’ll apply and try and get a job there but just as an entry level employee and not a manager position yet or ever.

Also trying to find myself at this point, I plan on going to a community college here in my area to get a bachelors in criminal justice because that was one of my interests in high school before COVID hit and we had to switch to online school and everything, but because of the fact I didn’t graduate from a normal high school and that it was an accelerated academy I never took the SAT or the ACT so that’s something I’ll have to handle now too, I’ll also have to pay for my own school as well in the fall when I plan on attending classes.

The lease for my apartment ends here on June 16 so that will be one less financial stressor that I won’t have to deal with as I was paying $500 a month+utilities for that apartment, so that will be a relief.

Also Dad, little brother and I put in an application for a 3 bedroom apartment is n the same complex we live in now so hopefully I will have my own room atleast here in the next month which will definitely improve my mental health just having some privacy and a place rest peacefully would be great as well.

I guess the only thing I’m anxious about now is the direction I’m going in life I contemplate going back to the military and I definitely want to do some kind of law enforcement after I go to college and get educated I just don’t know how a diagnosis of mild depression from 2022 will affect my career opportunities because of the stigma around it.

I don’t want to waste my time or money and stress myself out going to college for an ideal career I can’t end up getting because of a mental health diagnosis, I was prescribed venlafaxine and hydrOXYzine

as a sleep aid/ antidepressant back in August of 2023 and took them for like 3 weeks but didn’t like the side effects. (They just made me more sleepy and depressed and lazy and I didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day.) and I’m just now going back to therapy consistently because I feel as if that’s been the most help so far in trying to heal and process everything that’s gone on in my life.

At this point I’m trying to stay hopeful and hoping that getting a job and going to school and hopefully having my own space to explore my interests will put me in a better, more stable place mentally.

I’d just like to know how do I know I’m getting better? Personally I really had no idea I was depressed and had anxiety and stress because I just didn’t grow up hearing about it, or it was brushed off, I just knew I felt horrible, tired, irritable, had trouble sleeping, having negative thoughts, etc.

[Bettikins]

You have been through so much in your young life...your parents issues have obviously affected you tremendously, but, despite that you have goals and want something better out of life. How do you know if you are getting better? I think it is when you notice a difference in how you cope and feel in general and your ability to make good decisions. And seeing your therapist is good and in time they will notice a difference in how you are handling situations. Be strong and listen to your heart. Try not to be hard on yourself . Good luck young man.

[malsais]

Hi Bear, Im reading your message, all of them word by word. you have been through ALOT I must say you are a tough guy! I believe you got the drive to make it work. Have you tried exercising? picking up weight or running? it can boost your endorphine

Set a goal, even a small one. built brick by brick. A castle is built brick by brick.

you are young and I believe you have more ahead of you

[Agora1]

Hi Bear2024, you're quite a writer. I usually don't read lengthy posts. but your story line

grabbed my attention. As difficult a life that you've had, I admire your strength in never

giving up. You have certainly had more experience at such a young age than most young

adults. Usually, it is others who will notice that you are getting better. I personally don't

think you are there quite yet. As a matter of fact, I am going to suggest that you rethink

going into the Armed Forces again.

If you are looking for some stability in your life as well as life experience, that's the

way to go. Schooling is provided for your goals when you get out.

Meanwhile, you will become a better you by learning discipline, stability, taking care

of yourself mentally and physically. It is definitely a positive experience which you are

in a need of right now. Of course the decision is up to you. Please keep us updated

with your progress in going forward. I wish you well young man. xx