At this point in my journey with myself internally, I have to admit that the likelihood I'm going to cause myself to die from my thoughts and OCD is very very low. Hasn't happened yet, and I'm not dead now.
I'm half posting this third account of me having a feeling of imminent death come over me for my future self, and I'm half posting it for others in the same boat. I've posted about roughly the same thing happening two times before, and I'm still here to tell the tale of feeling this way yet again.
Today was going pretty well, but then I got a message from my grandmother telling me that her sister had passed away. I wasn't particularly close to this person, but I feel so triggered by the reality of the possibility of dying. I nearly immediately began having a panic attack and had to ask my partner to hug me until I could breathe normally again. I started feeling like I was dying in that exact moment, but it died down and now I feel mostly okay.
I still have this sense of imminent death kind of lingering over me though. Like the feeling that I won't see tomorrow. I used to get that all the time, but things have gotten a lot better recently. It feels really irritating and scary that I'm taking a step back after making so much progress.
I just want to live my life and accomplish my goals. I want to work on myself, love myself, and try to respect myself. I recently brought myself from a situation of being unemployed for over a year, to now I have a job, a promotion coming up, and I'll be starting university for the first time soon. I'm also working on certificates to improve my resume.
I've basically been doing everything I can to improve myself and make a path forward for myself in life, but my mental health is still awful sometimes.
For what it's worth, I've had this feeling of death being imminent come over me hundreds of times now. It happens when I'm at work too, and sometimes I can't shake it off and even have hallucinations during it.
But I'm still alive, and I'm so grateful for that.
It still feels like tomorrow might not happen for me, but I know that my brain has lied to me a hundred times before about this. I can remember feeling the same way last time too, and posting about feeling like I was going to die at a concert I was going to. I would tell my past self that not only did I survive. I had a good time. That was nearly a month ago.
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chevalier4444
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Hello chevalier4444. It's a pleasure to meet you. I read your posting and was moved by it. I have had some of those thought myself, if ever so feint.
You say that your brain is telling you lies, that you have been able to overcome them before, that you want to live as you have things that you want to do still. I think these thing fit into the lives of most of us, especially the last one.
It's easy for people on the outside to say, "Just don't listen to the lies", or "Just think of other things-positive things", etc. But I know it is not that easily done.
You did suggest that there are things that you want to do in life. And I don't believe that it is more important to spend time to think about the lies that to think about the things that you want to do. The things that you have done in the past, especially the things that yo did to overcome the lies are most important to focus on. Think about how you were able to over come them.
you hve the mental tools to overcome the lies. I read them in your posting. Read you posting and identify which things yo have dome to overcome the lies and you will probably have thoughts of ever more times yo have been able to successfully over come the.
Write them down, organize them, arrange them by category and strength, and keep them in your mental tool to draw upon in the future. Even if your are not hearing lies take inventory of the tools and perhaps, add more to them. Build your box as you add to the tools. Yo may need to put them into a cabinet soon and install rollers on the bottom so you can take it where ever you go.
I think if yo can do this it will be nearly impossible for yo to believe the lies and when thoughts of lies come up your brain will quickly identify them and remove them from your thoughts.
Thanks for using the tool that this website has become for many of us. And use it as necessary when you are in need or just want to say hello.
Hey, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and share your thoughts on my situation.
I definitely keep track of my tools I can use to combat the "lies" my brain/mind is feeding me.
The most potent one is becoming deeply aware of the present, and realizing that I am alive, even in this moment where I feel like I'm going to die. That one is the one I use every day. Every morning when I wake up, I feel grateful to be alive, and I focus on it and thank any God out there for it. I can also in the same vein, think back to all the times I've felt like this before, and realize I'm still alive despite them. Even the times it felt intensely real or when I hallucinated something bad happening during it, I'm still alive weeks and months after some of them.
I often use logic to work my way out of these kinds of mental situations. Logic has been my beloved friend ever since I started hyper-fixating on somehow causing my own death. I would say that all, or nearly all of my "tools" rely on using logic to diminish the reality of my intrusive thoughts in my mind.
I'll share an example:
If my thoughts can cause me to die, then there should be some evidence of it. Is there?
I have thought of things before and had them happen similarly months later in a sort of dejavu kind of scenario. Maybe this points to it being possible.
But the likelihood is low, because 99% of things you think of don't happen in reality at all, or ever.
But there is still a chance that I will die from these thoughts, and I can't let that go.
But are you dead now? No. And it's been months. Therefore, it is very likely that you will continue to survive, and that your thoughts about death will not cause it to happen to you.
I will note, I have to be careful with all of these tools. There are two parts to OCD. Obsessions, and compulsions. And while tools are extremely helpful, they often fall into the bounds of what I would consider to be compulsive behavior, or behavior I am doing to make myself either feel relief from my obsessions, or to diminish the sense of my obsessions being real.
The problem with compulsions is that 1 - they are just the flip side of obsessions and will cause obsession just as obsession causes compulsions, and 2 - they can deprive those with OCD from exposure to the results of their obsessions, essentially giving a temporary sense of relief but sacrificing a long term relief which comes from exposure, and the gradual realization that nothing ever happens from these obsessions.
I believe that there is an addictive element to OCD for this reason. Our compulsions keep giving us a temporary sense of relief, and by engaging in them, we deprive ourselves of true relief. It reminds me of when I was addicted to nicotine, which I quit about a year ago.
Ultimately I feel I am at an impasse where therapy and probably some kind of medication will be necessary. I don't, on the deeper levels believe I'm going to die, because I haven't died. My previous hyper-fixation was about my partner dying. It lasted for 2-3 years. She is alive. Many other people obsessing over the same things are alive.
Something to consider is that if our thoughts had any real power most of us would have won the lottery by now. The reality is that our thoughts have no power or even meaning unless we choose to attach some meaning to them.
I went through a period of fear of dying and got fed up with it and started reading the obituaries and anything I could about dying, even contemplating what my own death would be like, etc... It's a good exercise in facing the fear of dying and it helped free me up and allowed me to focus more on living. Fear of dying is also about fear of loss of control but the reality is that none of us have any control over our lives except for our next breath - thats it. Fear of dying is really also about fear of living, get over dying and accept it as part of life and start living and enjoy what time you have.
You already have a deep understanding about the lies, how you've over come them, what you want to do in life, and what you need to do to accomplish your goals. Use your tools, build better skills in using them, deflect your thoughts away from the lies. Focus on your achievements. Make it your mission to accomplish the other goals that you have. Forge forward with strong determination, as you have. Best of luck to you !
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xx
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