Agoraphobia coming back

[Armyguy]

Can't catch a break, well I can't fully say that, I had a ok year last year, but prior to that I was having SVT (supra ventricular tachycardia) that kept being misdiagnosed as panic attacks until I got a heart monitor. It was causing my anxiety. Then December 2018, I had a small clot lodge in my right lung. After getting me on both a blood thinner and beta blocker I felt almost like my old self.

Now things have came back, odd twinges in my chest, sharp pain that will come and go. Gone to the hospital but they haven't spot anything and with Covid I don't want to go up there. Won't lie it's gotten bad, it's why I'm here. I am sitting in my car after work and sleeping in the ER parking lot because I live over an hour from the hospital, I'm just drained. I go home to grab food and take a shower but then sleep in my car in the hospital parking lot and I have got to stop this. I don't know what to do. Last time this all happened I just got sick of being afraid of it. This place was a great place to come and vent. I don't have people to vent to like this. I been asking why me? Why again? But then I think there are others who have it way worse. I seen a small child who's only 3 diagnosed with cancer and is terminal and all he asked for was a Christmas so then I feel guilty and like a loser for being afraid of this stuff. I guess I just hope it's quick if it happens. I don't want to have the pain, but at the same time I worry about what happens to my family when I go. Will my mom be ok? My nephews and nieces? I don't tell them any of this because I don't want to worry them. I pawned my gun off the other day because I started having the "atleast I have that if it gets too bad route" and I just had to get it away from me. I feel trapped, I'm trapped in these thoughts and I know the longer you stay in them the worse this becomes so I been trying to do everything in my power to over come it. It's exhausting, then to have to go to work on top of it. Worrying if I'm going to have an event at work and have to call in. I can't win right now. Almost too much but I have to keep moving forward. Thanks everyone, just venting. Trying to remember be CBT and panic exposure therapy, I been deliberately doing the things my mind doesn't want me to do so I can kill the anxiety. It doesn't happen over night but it works over time and I know that because I went through it before. That's my only little hope is maybe it will get better and the good days will come back. Just maybe.

[DaggerBlaze]

Bless you, my heart goes out to you! I've got SVT myself and am on beta blockers. My little heart has been well behaved for a while, but I know that horrible feeling of it all kicking off again. I hate that sinking feeling. I've had the exact same thoughts as you! Including becoming sick of being afraid of it all, hoping if it happens it's quick....and in relation to...everything you'd listed actually!!! So relatable!! Try not to beat yourself up for thinking 'Why me?' It's okay to feel like that, it's all part of the grief of missing feeling 'normal' (i.e before any SVT or clots or anything happened and your body just felt like a regular body and a safe space). It's good that you can come and vent here, I find it definately helps! I know with Covid about it's a really fucking difficult time for these health issues to kick off omg. I went to the dentist two weeks ago and I kept thinking 'Huh, hope getting my tooth fixed doesn't give me Covid!' so I totally understand where you're coming from. Sounds like you're going through such a rough time right now so wishing you the best. Hang in there!! Take care of yourself as much as you can and go easy on yourself!

[Armyguy in reply to DaggerBlaze]

Thank you! SVT sucks, I live in the United States and it's been kicking my ass up and down for a few years.

[DaggerBlaze in reply to Armyguy]

Ugh I know that feel. I'm extremely lucky to live somewhere that I have access to extremely low cost health care. Take care o er there and I hope thongs get better!