When I get bad off

[Starrlight]

When I get bad off I think of my brother who took his life at a young age. I wonder what he’s doing and I pray for him. I get suicidal but it’s not an option to actually go through with it when I think of my kids who I love more than anything and I think of of how much pain I was in when he died. I have to be stronger than I thought I could be. I have to live so that I don’t hurt people but if I was meant to go, I’d be so relieved,... but it’s not my time I guess. It’s a fantasy that is sick but possibility of dying or getting better I dream of a lot. Can anyone relate at all?

[Hidden]

Hello

I can relate but you need to be here , you know the pain it has caused you because of your brother I know you would not want that for your loved one's to

Life seems hard sometimes but we manage somehow , some way and you do better than what you think

Take Care x

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I know I can’t leave now. It’s not my time. But I can’t seem to stop wishing for it to be. Don’t worry, things will turn out however they are supposed to turn out I guess. I feel guilt even thinking of dying sooner than my time. My beautiful children’s faces will hopefully always stop me in my tracks every time. I pray for strength. All I can do is my best.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Yes that is all we can do our best x

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

❤️

[Starrlight]

Thank you

[Kkimm]

So sorry life is so hard for you. Do you think it would help to review your medication?

Thinking of you and so hoping you start to feel better soon.

Kim

[Starrlight]

I don’t want to go on anymore honestly. I just changed meds and was doing better for a bit. But it always turns back to shit. There’s nothing left in me to fight this. I seriously feel like I’m loosing it and I’m terrified. I don’t trust anything right now. I don’t feel safe there’s no safe place for me. But I will just be angry for now. I’ll live for now. I really shouldn’t have to try so hard to keep living.

[Want2BHappy3]

Yes I can, my brother and cousin both 19 committed sucide back to back. Our mothers are twins, we use to visit them often. So I don’t wig it was planned this way? He did leave a note that he felt useless. As a matter of fact his birthday is this month. Him and I were Not close but I do think of him, he was in a very DARK place I can’t imagine what he was feeling? I tried committing sucide at 16. I have in the past thought about it even planned it in my head? But wouldn’t do it. Maybe some counseling would help? 🙏😷

[Starrlight in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Wow I’m sorry. Yeah to have a brother or even a cousin it’s hard to even think about it; it’s hard to imagine how dark they had to be inside. I, like you, have survived attempted suicide I did try around the age as you did and only part of me wanted to die, I just felt lost and desperate I guess it’s hard to recall maybe I just needed attention and my mind got out of control and I wasn’t thinking straight. I am so glad you and I survived. I keep having to try to convince myself that my brother’s suicide was not my fault.

[pink318]

Hi Starrlight,

I’m so sorry friend. I agree with you as you pray for strength. God bless you with everything you need to stay strong each day.

[Starrlight in reply to pink318]

Thank you sooooooo much!

[anolan77]

Yes I am the same. When my brother died I wished it was me. But we are loved and for that reason we owe it to our family to look after ourselves. Ask for help. Read as much as you can to try and understand your triggers.

Work is my trigger it makes me so ill so I cut down my hours and I'm kinder to myself before during and after. I am also working on getting new skills to work from home. It keeps me focused on the days when all I want to do is cry.

You are not alone xx

[Starrlight in reply to anolan77]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Work is a trigger for me too and I work at home raising my children and helping out my parents when I can. I have enough to do at home but I do worry about the future. I’m glad you are being kinder to yourself. Let’s stay in a place where we give ourselves credit for all that we do.