The Black Dog is back

[laverdasf1000]

Hello, I have not posted for quite a while, I felt OK I guess and was feeling reasonably good.

However, I have felt a feeling, for a while of 'Is it worth the effort' and finding it difficult to motivate myself to do anything.

I am a 63 year old male, my wife died in January 2017 from Diabetes related problems after 20 years of marriage.. It was a very difficult time for me made worse by the Anxiety and Depression I have had on and off for nearly 50 years.

However, slowly with counselling from Cruse Bereavement Care (UK) I rebuilt my life to where I am now.

I have numerous interests and I am on four committees and have many friends but recently I have felt the Anxiety return.

I have found that my relationship issues particularly with women seem really bad. I met somebody a month ago at a committee dinner. The lady is very nice and we chatted and it was fine. She is interested in volunteering, ironically in Mental Health!! She thought that as I am a volunteer with a number of organisations I could perhaps help. The next day I found information and sent it to her, she commented that I was good at doing it.

I very quickly got anxious and started to think too deeply about this situation.

A few weeks after the dinner there was an event at the place where we had the dinner. It is a very interesting 17th century farm house steeped in history.

I got very anxious and felt sick thinking that she may come to the event and what would I do.

The lady didn't turn up and I have had no contact with her since the email.

I have met another person, a German lady, much much younger than me, through my Cruse volunteering. It was a course over two Saturdays. It was the same as the meeting at the dinner, ok to start with but afterwards I started to get very anxious.

I don't want to ramble on but there is another issue that has added to my Anxiety.

It is a Black Tie charity Ball for Cruse, this weekend. The function is to raise funds for Cruse and Beverley Knight is appearing. It should be the best night out I have ever had but in reality I started getting Anxious before I got my ticket!! I am now getting it in to my head that the German lady will be there and I will make a fool of myself.

The reality of the situation is, I don't know if she will even be there. Feeling like this is ridiculous as I know very little about her.

The final final thing I want to say is, this week I have been physically unwell with Diarrhoea. This has added to my depressed state and I was in tears yesterday not knowing where to get help. I did call the Pharmacy in a clearer moment and got some tablets. It is easing now but I still feel unwell.

I was feeling that bad that the modelling knife on the coffee table started to put really bad thoughts into my head. I put the knife in my toolbox and the bad thoughts subsided. I think it was/is not knowing where to turn even though we have a number of support organisations here in the UK.

Incidentally, I call it my 'Black Dog' as our great statesman Sir Winston Churchill suffered from depression and gave it that title.

I have written far too much and if you have got to here thank you for reading.

[mikeski1956]

Hi M8, I know the feeling, my black dog keeps coming back, just when I think all will be ok something or someone will come up and spoil things.

I often think about leaving it all and forgetting everything, but never find the courage to do anything about it.

so I just struggle on, and on.

Regards

Mike