Lost and Alone

[sweetashoney79]

I have been having a difficult time for a long time now. I tried to kill myself last Monday. I was told that I missed by less than an inch and I would have bled out. I have been on klonopin and paxil for 2 weeks now and hoping that it starts helping soon. I feel so lost and out of control. I am so depressed and anxious, barely sleeping and feel so worthless and that everything is my fault. It is such a struggle to get up and go to work everyday. I can stop thinking this "what if". I did start therapy last Thursday. I feel so alone...….

[Hidden]

Rememebr this, whatever you are worrying about - you are putting yourself through it twice. Meaning, the what if’s didn’t actually happen, so don’t worry yourself with things that didn’t actually happen yet because you’re just really putting yourself through it more times than you need to. I know it’s easier said than done but I try to remind myself of this. I can’t worry about tomorrow because tomorrow hasn’t come yet and I can’t worry about yesterday because yesterday already left. You can only worry about today and add or make changes to today . If today is great, you can only hope that tomorrow will be even greater. But today is great that’s what matters. If today is bad then you can only hope that tomorrow will be better. People have bad days, I have bad days. A bad day is just a bad day. You’re allowed to have them. Don’t allow a bad yesterday to be your tomorrow. You aren’t alone. There’s millions and trillions of people on this earth and many of us will be here for you. You will be okay, I know it feels like crap sometimes, but that’s only the hard part. You’re allowed to be here. You’re allowed to have tough times but they won’t last forever. This tough time isn’t your forever. You’re allowed to worry, you’re allowed to laugh too. You’re allowed to be sad but you’re allowed to be happy too. Tell your anxiety that you get to be happy too. And tell yourself that you are in control. And something that helped me when I’m having anxiety - I tell myself I am in control, I stand up and say my feet are on the ground because I put them there. Don’t let anxiety win ok? I believe we can all overcome , I believe you can too.

[sweetashoney79 in reply to Hidden]

ShiDani such powerful and encouraging words that make absolute sense. Its a matter of retraining the brain to think things differently at least that is what my therapist told me. Its such a long road ahead of me and just feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I did admit I have problems and make the step to get help, I guess I should give myself credit for that. I am just so negative, its hard to.

[Hidden in reply to sweetashoney79]

I know the feeling, but you don’t have a problem. You’re just having a hard time and it’s okay to say “hey, I need a little help,” and that takes strength just like it takes strength to go to work dealing with everything that you are. It’s mentally draining, I know. It’s hard to want to do anything positive. But, you’re strong enough. Even if you don’t feel like it, you have to know deep down you are. You will get through this & hold on a little longer. Every time you feel like giving up tell yourself to hold on a little longer. And remind yourself of the times where you thought you weren’t going to get through and you did. At some point something you’ve been through felt like end all be all and you survived. You’ll survive this too. Our minds are so powerful and our bodies listen to it. We can think about having a pain in our fingers and suddenly our fingers are hurting. The mind is so powerful, train it to think good by telling yourself “I’m getting through this” even if you don’t believe it at first. Wake up and tell yourself “I woke up today and today I’m going to have a better day than yesterday” you have to train your mind to be stronger each time so that way you won’t lose yourself. You have to program positivity just as you do for negativity. And I know it’s hard, but this is the hard part and it’ll get so much easier. You’re already making the steps necessary to get better. I still go through it sometimes but I had to train my mind in order to not lose myself every time.

[sweetashoney79 in reply to Hidden]

If you don't mind me asking on you are on medications to help you?

[Hidden in reply to sweetashoney79]

No I was prescribed some but I decided not to take them , I was afraid of always relying on them or not being myself . I honestly just talk to someone through my anxiety attacks I tell them exactly what I am worrying about or what I’m feeling and it helps . It also helps when you can distract yourself , watching your favorite movie, talking to a favorite person, or something having them tell you about their day. Anxiety is a very mental thing clearly and I think what can help too is distraction. When I feed into my anxiety I’ll get a panic attack. Sometimes it does feel like omg this can’t be my life forever I cannot keep dealing with this and sometimes it feels like I got this. But each time I allow myself to remember I am in control. I’m not too excited about medicine, I feel like that makes the medicine in control in my opinion it’s one of my fears. Some people may also say it’s okay to need help, but I want to be the one helping me if that makes sense. I feel like anxiety is something that someone can overcome with talking and finding the root of your anxiety to begin with. But I’m not a doctor so I could be wrong but I’m afraid of taking medication. I feel like I have to strengthen my mind on my own. But then I’ve also read that anxiety happens because we use up all our serotonin and that the medicine replaces that. My biggest thing is why and how do you get it back naturally I guess. I’m on the road to getting better also. One day at a time. But don’t stop your life for anxiety. That’s the main focus for both of us. Can’t let it win.

[Zazzel]

Hi Sweetashoney79,

ShiDani has such words of wisdom. I’m sort of a “cup is half full” kind of person. I’m bubbly and smiley on the outside, but often only saw the dangers on the inside. It’s not that I wasn’t grateful for what I had, but being an A type personality, I always was looking for perfection and when it wasn’t there, it added to my anxiety. I felt that those who didn’t “think about every angle” of a situation weren’t prepared. I figured the good outcome of a situation was good so I didn’t need to focus on that. I would think over and over about what would happen if something was negative. Did I disappoint this person or that. Did I disappoint my boss? Will I be able to pay my bills? Will I end up homeless? Etc etc etc. constant spinning thoughts. And when my friends had troubles they became my troubles. I imagined myself in their shoes and felt their pain. Well, I’ve finally learned to “not think.” That doesn’t mean I no longer care. It goes like this. “ oh crap. My boss doesn’t like my project! What if I get fired? “ “ Well, if I get fired, I will deal with it.” Then I set up an automatic withdrawal from my paycheck into an emergency fund in case that might happen someday.” Then every time I started to think about it, I said to myself “ not thinking about this I’m doing all I need to do.” If a friend has a problem, I say to myself, “ this is there problem, I can be there to listen to them and offer advice if they ask, but it is not my problem. Taking on their burden of pain does no good for me or them.” So now, I listen, pray for them and put the thoughts away. As ShiDani said, it takes practice to retrain your brain. Your brain is tricky, but thoughts are not actual reality except in our brains. You must work daily at only allowing positive thoughts to flow through. Try doing ma guided meditation or sleep therapy. You can find lots of free ones on YouTube. I am partial to Thomas Hall “ anxiety and depression” sleep therapy on YouTube. His sleep hypnosis has literally saved my life. I am now able to stop my anxious thoughts. Not to say I don’t have episodes every now and again. Having had severe PMS most of my life, and now going through menopause caused certain times to be worse than others. A few months back I had a panic attack in Michaels. I literally started to tear up and have trouble breathing for no apparent reason. I used The words I head on the sleep hypnosis to get me through, repeating over and over to myself,” I am a strong person, I am a relaxed person, I can handle any situation,” and within a few minutes it passed and I was fine.

On a side note, you might want to get your hormones checked out. If you have an imbalance of estrogen, progesterone,testosterone or cortisol, it can cause emotional issues. And, on the flip side, anxiety can cause hormonal imbalances so it’s circular. That alone might make you feel better.

Make sure to do some form of exercise daily even if it’s just a 5 or 10 minute yoga. A great person to follow is Yoga by Adrienne which is free on YouTube. She has lots of short easy yoga workouts you can do right at home.

Although you probably want to grab something sweet to quickly raise your Sheraton in levels, sugar is poison. Avoid it. Avoid fast foods, and junk foods. They can contribute to anxiety. I’ve also read that a small amount of meat protein at each meal can help level out emotions as it keeps blood sugar levels in place. I read this in a book called “ the Mood Cure” by Julia Ross, though I would not take any of the supplements she recommends without consulting your doctor. Better yet, find a holistic or integrative doctor to work with. I found out I had lots of food intolerances which added to my anxiety and kept my body in a state of inflammation.

Sorry to be rambling for so long, but I’ve been there and have studied this for so long so hoping one or more of these things might help you as they have done for me. Time on this earth goes by quickly and I wish only happiness for you and all of us here.

Sending you happy thoughts and well wishes for a healthy mind and body!

[sweetashoney79 in reply to Zazzel]

Very strong and encouraging words. Thank you I do appreciate it. I really hope all of this works. I feel I have hit rock bottom and not sure how to get back out. I am trying my hardest, it is just so hard. I try to seem happy and everything is ok but it is an everyday battle with myself and just feel like I have lost. I am so tired of struggle and had a moment of weakness to just end it all.

[Zazzel in reply to sweetashoney79]

Please don't beat yourself up about it. Forgive yourself and go on. Several years ago when things were overwhelming for me, I sat up late one night and thought of ending things. I was able to talk myself out of it, but the pain was real and so I can relate to others with the same struggles. The thing is that I really didn't have anything to be that upset about. Life just had been getting overwhelming for me. I remember that folding my clothes was even a task for me. There is light at the end of this. Please keep that in mind on your dark days, and please try the meditations/hypnosis. I know it's hard to even do that some times, but you found the courage to write on here, so you can do this as well. Please keep us posted on how you're doing .

[sweetashoney79 in reply to Zazzel]

Thank you so much, it really means a lot it to me. It is nice to have people that understand and not think I am crazy or just tell me that it is in my head. Thank you so much again.

[Zazzel in reply to sweetashoney79]

[jeanesdream]

You are marvelous that you manage to go to work...i cant even leave the house without having anxiety issues. I wore myself out yesterday with the belly breathing...it worked but when i got home i was exhausted. You are doing better than you give youself credit for. And please ..my son in law did succeed with his suicide attempt...no coming back from that.....please never do that...i know its a struggle..im there too. Prayers for us all..