Thanks for recent support, as it stands I've managed to get through the last few days of work but the tug of war inside continues that has been happening for 2 years that's keeps me in this state so I'll explain.
Each time I find something, some sort of coping mechanism, the best one for me seems to be acceptance and recently I listened to Claire Weekes on YouTube as suggested here, it helps to a point I start to feel better I feel less afraid of being afraid of more and more things, I calm down, my confidence grows fantastic, this is what happened the other day.
BUT, then I have a day like today which begun last night, I woke up out the wrong side of bed didn't feel good in the wrong frame of mind, on the way to work I began to fear I'd fear everything again, oh I feel dizzy will i fear that? Oh I'm more aware of movement will i fear that? I then begin to feel as though that's what's actually happening, I fear more, by the time I started my shift today I keot getting tense every time I imagined something while talking to a colleague or customer which is what has been a main issue recently that I've been trying to get out the habit of doing, so I was back into the old ways of thinking and feeling.
Even when I tried to accept how I felt, I didn't manage to which actually really scared me and had a bit of a mini panic at work, from then on for the rest of my shift every time I served a customer I felt dizzy, head tension through the roof, even as I write this now it happens again just remembering how it felt and this is my problem.
Days like this frighten me because I feel afraid of being afraid of more and more things, therefore the feelings attach themselves to those things, so then the next day I have to work that much harder to convince myself I'm not afraid of these things and not feel like it while doing these things if that makes sense, as so quickly it becomes a habit to feel tense about these things even one days worth of it happening is enough for my mind to be convinced I'm going to react in tension to these things even though I'm not actually afraid of them.
Eventually I will find a way to cope with it again, whether acceptance or otherwise, and I'll start to slide back towards to the good side again, feeling less and less afraid of being afraid of things, but eventually I'm going to slide back the other way again and then have a day like this knowing when i wake up tomorrow, I'm going to automatically react in fear to all the things I was afraid I'd be afraid of today.
In the morning is always when it is at its worst n terms of how intense the physical sensations are also so why it may feel less bad that happening now, it will feel horrible again before work tomorrow and so begins the downward spiral again.
I am sick and tired of this downward spiral only to come back up only to come back down, it feels so convincing that I'm actually afraid of where I am, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm imagining when I have days like these.
I've even looked at a KFC sign before and been afraid I'll be afraid of that on a really bad day, that's how ridiculous yet real unfortunately for me is what happens, these feelings can be so easily attached to anything and I wouldn't mind if they weren't so intense, days like that this morning are what frighten me that I'm going mad.
When I get to this point I can't even use memory to help me very well from times I've coped in the past, because as you've probably guessed when I'm bad I even react in fear that I'll be afraid of memories, instead the thought comes to mind what if your memory isn't real something like this any reason for me to possibly fear that too, so or though when I'm calmer it can help at times, when I'm not which is what we need to work on I find myself unable to even use things like that to help me very well.
As you've probably guessed I test myself ALOT, this is because in the beginning I kept testing myself to see if I'd be afraid or not, making it happen on purpose but hoping I wouldn't be afraid, and you guessed it I got reacted in fear even then, not a good habit that's also ingrained into me and this also quarrels with my acceptance, as yeah it's OK to accept fear etc I've got that difficult as it sometimes can be, but what about the times when I'm doing it on purpose? Does this not contradict acceptance?
Thank you as always for your support and I look forward to seeing some responses hopefully before I go back in to work tomorrow.
I. Am a Christian btw but sadly, the fear of being afraid of things keeps me quiet far from spending much time with God and praying and reading the Bible etc, for I being to be afraid of being afraid of these things too the very things I want to help me most, are the very things I'm most afraid of being afraid of, I don't want to associate God and such with these things, sadly for me going to church you can probably imagine is no picnic for this reason, even spending time with God at home is hard for those reasons as well as it adds a spiritual element into it that the devil will attack me etc which makes it seem more scary then what it actually which is 1) me being afraid and 2) a bad habit to test myself.
As for counselling well, I find that gets my mind on it more and doesn't seem to help much.
And let's not even go there when it comes to the anti depressant route which is a sore subject for me which any of you in the past might already know about.
Anyway I've gone on long enough there's my tug of war for you.