Social anxiety and depression

I find that after each social situation I encounter, I seem to overthink these experiences and feel that this defines who I am. Like if I say something awkward, talk really fast or just blurt out a lot of random stuff I feel like I am a fake person, that I am trying to be someone else when In fact I’m just so anxious around people that I can’t just be myself.

I’m either really quiet, like I won’t talk or make eye contact with anyone or I will overcompensate and talk really fast / jittery around people I’m talking to. I don’t know how to develop or hold a conversation, sometimes I’m okay but I’m always overthinking how I’m coming across to others. I just fear what other people think of me because all I want to do is make people feel like they can be open and be themselves. I want to seem friendly and welcoming but sometimes I say something really aggressively but I don’t mean it and I hate myself for it. I wonder if the people I encounter judge me for my social skills? Because the only way to really know a person is to talk to them and get to know them?

I always feel even more depressed and suicidal when a conversation goes wrong. Like I say something stupid and I think about it for days or even months if it’s that bad. I feel like I need to prove myself to other people when I’m fact I don’t owe them anything? I just want to come across as an open, friendly caring person it’s just my damn social anxiety gets in the way!!! I’m so upset and angry right now. I hate myself. I’m going to counselling and have been for years but I feel like I’m just deteriorating.