Any Advice? (social anxiety)

[Louise223]

I am new here and just wanted to start a discussion about advice on social anxiety, especially in small groups of people (about 4) as this is what I find the most daunting, as it's hard to hide in the background. When I get to know people I am very chatty and I LOVE to talk about literally anything, it just takes me a long time to be comfortable around people. The conversations I do have sound really forced and uninteresting, I usually come across like a completely different person. If anyone is struggling with something similar or has struggled with something similar, or just generally has any advice, please comment or message me!

[Laurennnnnnn]

I wish I had advice, but unfortunately I struggle like you do! 💙

[PastelPink20]

I have definitely experienced feeling a division of who I am. It creates frustration, for sure. Why can’t I be myself all the time?

For me, I think it is the walls I put up to protect myself. I’m more cautious of what I say and hyper analyzing and uncomfortable around new people. (Even if it’s a group of 4 people I know and love... if there’s 2 people I don’t know, then I’ll retreat back to my awkward turtle shell).

I read a book about personality types and it was really insightful. I learned that introverts use their dominant functions when they’re alone or with intimate people... and the rest of the time we’re extroverting our secondary function. I’m a dominant feeler so i keep all my inside feels (a lot of them) to myself. I’m a secondary “intuitive” - collecting and process info, exploring and imagining different viewpoints or possibilities. That means I talk about what I’ve heard or seen. I don’t talk about how I feel naturally.

I can’t make myself become the person who’s naturally charming or constantly loud. But, I can be deliberate. I can learn what people are interested in, get them to talk about themselves, and talk about current events. I can believe in them being relatively like me. All it takes is one link between you and someone else to burst into a rapidly developing conversation. It could be the crazy weather, what happened in the news, what movies they like, or whatever.

You’ve got to build yourself up for those situations and change your philosophy.

Social anxiety philosophy: other people don’t like me or understand me. Big groups of people are harder to analyze and it’s harder to speak comfortably. I am forced to be here. I can’t relate.

Social confidence philosophy: other people and I are different, but that’s an opportunity to learn more about someone else. I can understand them and they are able to do the same for me. I accept that I can’t control how other people think of me. I believe - I can make the conversation better by saying anything I want and maybe someone else will feel more comfortable to talk to. I believe in myself. I want to be here. I want to know them. We’re all human. I can help this.

It’s easy to feel like the anxiety is casting a shadow of who you want to be in the world.

It might help to strengthen your identity and remind yourself what you’re passionate about... and decide to share that with others. I always like listening to ppl talk about what they love. You can do that and ask them what they care about.

Or, look up conversation starters. Ask them if they’re a cat or a dog person. Ask them if they eat fruit on salad. Pull up the newest thing on social media, maybe that blue/yellow dress idk.

My last social experience: I went to my friends house and she was having a girls night. I thought she meant herself, her sister, me, and one other girl. Instead, there were 4 other girls and 2 toddlers. Needless to say, I was awkward turtle. I laughed when they laughed. I nodded and listened. I mostly stood around. I ended up coloring with the kids and asked for their hummus recipe and left at the end of the night.

Sometimes, I’m not going to be my talkative self. I’m okay with that. I guess, I don’t feel disappointed in myself. Because I didn’t feel the need to force myself to talk more. I didn’t know those people real well and they had very different opinions that I did. (I’m not a conflict starter).

I will say: it helps to have a mission. If you go into the group setting with a mission, then you can focus on that goal.

Like, if it’s a study group or someone else’s friends or a work thing.

Your goal could be:

- Make one friend or make one person smile

- I will ask one question that inspires/challenges them to be authentic and I will respond in kind

- I will give my honest opinion about [insert topic here]

- I will make an awful pun / share a weird riddle

- I will compliment someone

- I will ask about this homework problem or help someone with theirs

- I will ask if anyone has tried that new restaurant / drink / new movie, and what they thought about it.

It helps to have a goal you can focus on. It helps because it can be somewhere to start, once you do it then you can be proud of yourself for accomplishing it, and you can walk away from the conversation knowing you made an effort and contributed.

Purpose driven behavior. Anxiety focused on a goal. Instead of thinking, “what should I say? What am I doing with my hands? Why are they talking about that? What are thinking I am like? Ugh I want to go home. Why did I agree to come here?” You’ll be thinking, “okay, this group is fairly young and cool. They’re talking about some musician I don’t know. I’ll ask what genre it is and then say my favorite musician of that genre” OR “okay, I’ll wait for a lull in the conversation and bring up the latest or upcoming Avengers movie.”

The action gives you something to hold onto. You can rely on pop culture to connect with other people. You can always just ask people questions about themselves and not talk as much. People like to talk about their favorite music or TV show or hobby because they invest time in it and it brings them joy.

Whatever brings you joy is worth talking about. Same for them, whoever they are.

Feel free to message me! maybe we could both benefit from talking about anxiety or what helps each other.

Sometimes, a post only gets one reply. Thank you for replying on mine earlier.

💕💕💕

I hope this helps to some degree. I am not an expert. I think, there’s a degree of acceptance, preparation, and behavior change that could help. You can always grow and keep learning - that’s a lifetime journey!!

[Kainan in reply to PastelPink20]

That’s all really great advice, PastelPink20

[Louise223 in reply to PastelPink20]

Sorry I took a while to get back to you! You have exceeded any expectations I had for advice, I love the mission idea I'm definitely gonna give that a go! Would love to have a chat with you and share advice, that would be great! Thank you so much 🥰

[Kainan]

Hi. I struggle with this too. I guess just not having much expectations. That can get the anxiety going real quick. Gets all up in our head and we might imagine a scenario that doesn’t serve us. If I have something to say, I just say it. Wait too long and we miss the opportunity. If I can’t contribute anything, I just sit back and listen

[Louise223 in reply to Kainan]

Yeah absolutely, I build scenarios all the time and do freak myself out, I will try practicing no expectations! Thanks!

[Kainan in reply to Louise223]

You’re welcome. Anytime