feel psychotic and need your advices!

[chuck23]

I'm new here and i would like to excuse for my poor english, i am french canadian.

To start, i went on a trip in june 2016 with friends and it changed my life for the worst. It was a stressful trip because some of my friends weren't getting along. One night i snapped, i had like a panic attack for like 2 hours and i honestly wanted to die. For the remaining of the trip, i felt weird, scared, disconnected and i instantly taught i was getting psychotic. The return was really tough, because i was hoping that this feeling was going to go away, but it stayed and broke my life. 6 mouths in this disaster, my girlfriend of 3 years left me saying it was hurting her too much to see me like this. My grades went down, i failed half of my classes and i've never failed one before. I tried antidepressant for 4 months and felt worst than ever. At this point, i just accepted the fact that i was becoming psychotic. I felt it, it was in me, everything was there; i was less social, i was feeling disconnected from reality, my grades were going down and my aunt was bipolar AND schizophrenic... It went like that for a year, i was in a really dark and unpleasant place.

This summer, i started to see hope. Instead of always feeling disconnected and hopeless, i had days where i was good, i was myself but never for too long. Now, i have very good days and very bad days and that sacres me even more. I am so scared of being bipolar.. Some nights i can't sleep and some nights i sleep really well. Some days i need to stay home because i feel disconnected and can't do anything, some days i am able to do my homeworks and go to work like before. Some days i am irritable, some days i am relax like before. I instinctively relate everything i do to the mental illness, when i feel excited or can't sleep, it must be a manic episode. When i feel irritable, it must be the psychotic mood swings. I am trap in this hell...

Tell me what you think please and if you have questions or feel the same i would be glad to talk with you.

Thank you very much.

[Starrlight]

Hi there! Sorry to hear of your struggles. I can always listen but as for advice I’m in a similar situation with panic attacks and am bipolar and am looking for answers too. I get really irritable too which yes may be the mania or hypo mania or just from being so fed up with the illness...I am on zyprexa abilify lithium propranol and feel horrible except when I take Ativan it helps. But usually I have bad days and never know exactly how my moods will swing and what I will or won’t be able to do each day.Are you seeing a therapist or on any medication? What has been helping you cope?

[chuck23 in reply to Starrlight]

I do not take any medication for now, but i have seen a therapist for like 6 months. He kept saying it was only anxiety related and same for my doctor. I just won't believe it because i have an obsession around mental illness.

[Starrlight in reply to chuck23]

What do you believe it to be, bipolar? Hope the therapy is helpful.

[chuck23 in reply to Starrlight]

what do i believe it is to be bipolar? is that your question?

[Starrlight]

I was wondering what you think your diagnosis is. You said the doctor and therapist say it is anxiety but what do you think?

[chuck23 in reply to Starrlight]

Really, it depends. One day i can be like: ok i am fine, i feel good this was just anxiety. But on a bad day, i am like: Wtf is happening to me, a non-psychotic person would not think like me that or feel disconnected like me.

[Starrlight]

Oh yeah I get it. It’s hard since different symptoms come and go and change. Sooooo frustrating...scary even. But we have to keep up the hope and strength.

[claire0410]

I have problems with anxiety too. I also have good and bad days. I think it is pretty normal to feel that your doctors are wrong when you are having a bad day. For me, bad days after several good days just make me feel worse. I have learned to accept the fact that I am more disappointed and angry that all my days can't be good. You are not psychotic, you are dealing with anxiety and it's very hard at times. After some time of working with a psychologist, I have learned to enjoy the good days, and there are more of them as time goes on, and accept that there will be bad days. I am just happy that there are good days at all and I have learned to appreciate them and keep moving forward to the point where all the days are good! I think that even you can see that you are getting better. I know that it is easy to let anxiety make you think the worst possible things, but they are not always true. Just because you have an aunt that has these problems doesn't mean that you will. Don't let your thoughts make you not see how far you have come on your journey. I wish many more good days to come.

[chuck23 in reply to claire0410]

Omg thank you.. I don't know how you find the strength to think like that. I am so obsessed over the fact that i may be psychotic and it would ruin my life.

[claire0410]

No thanks needed! One thing I do is keep a journal. I write on good and bad days. Sometimes seeing your fears in words helps you put things in some kind of perspective. It is also how I realized that I was moving forward. My fears started to get less as did my physical effects of the anxiety. I also saw that there were more good days. When I have a bad day, I reread my entries. It helps me to see the progress on this journey and helps me feel better about the future. I still see a psychologist , and it really does help. I think getting our minds back to "before anxiety" is a long and slow process, but I believe with all my heart that we can get there with the right help. I know I sound very positive about all this - I am on a string of good days and taking comfort in each and every one of them! I also have problems with sleep and a few nights of bad sleep really has a negative effect on my moods. It's hard not to think about the next bad day, or worry about things that haven't happened and most likely won't. I am still learning to accept for now this is my new reality, but I have made a promise to myself that I will not let it dictate my life. It is hard at times, but the outcome of not pushing through this would be so much worse. Bon chance, mon ami!