Will I ever get better?

Hi, I'm new here and quite worried about sharing this as I know there will be lots of opinions. Basically I've always been a worrier, for as long as I can remember. It seems that I worry about what might happen all the time, when actually I picture worst case scenario and that never happens. I sometimes feel like because I expect something to happen, I'll not change what I can do in the present because I know the inevitable is going to happen anyway... does that make sense?

Well my anxiety has gone through the roof of late. In March I was out on a stag do and did a STUPID thing... as a bet, I went into a shop after drinking and nicked something. I don't know why I did it, it stupidly seemed a good idea at the time of drinking. I then got arrested and taken back to the station where I had to answer questions etc etc. The police officer asked my address, and so I thought because I was about to move in with my boyfriend anyway, I'd give his address- not even thinking the address would not match the current address on the driving license. Because I gave a different address, she said she couldn't just give me an £80 fine, I'd have to be given a caution- something which would always appear on a CRB. I work in a profession where I will always need an enhanced CRB, so this STUPID mistake will always show up.

Ever since this stupid stupid incident, I keep thinking back to that day, what if I'd just stayed where I was? What if I'd given the address that was on my driving license? What if I hadn't gone out? My mind is completely overwhelmed with these thoughts and I can't seem to ever shake them off. Even though my manager is fine with what happened, I keep thinking, she's only saying that, she wants to get rid of me etc etc.

I can't even bear to listen to the radio because I hear songs that remind me of the event. I'm just so scared, it's all I think about, it's becoming an obsession and now I feel like I count the days left before I can retire... I just wish I could hide somewhere, I'm so ashamed :(

Thanks for reading, I hope some of you can relate to my anxiety


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11 Replies

  • please don't be so hard on yourself.. we all do things we later regret.. Can you ask your GP for some help such as talking to a counselor ? It may help you to talk about it and get it off your chest once and for ever.. Please don't dwell or it will make you ill.. I have done some pretty stupid things but I have learned to look forward and not back .. This has started off your anxiety , don't let it win.. take care x

  • Thank you for your kind advice lotty, I just feel so hopeless, I just wish I could go back and change the past and that is how I feel 24:7. I try and get it out of my mind then it just comes back with vengeance, and I worry about all sorts of other things I'd never considered at first. I want to see the gp but I don't want any sort of mental illness to appear on a health check. Having that on my crb itself is going to be bad enough :( xxxx

  • We have all done silly things. Also, you regret doing it and you are sorry. That's a positive. Your boss is fine with it, otherwise she would've let you go so that's another positive. Keep telling yourself these positives. Do you feel comfortable talking to your boss? Maybe you could talk to her about it to put your mind at rest?

  • I don't really want to keep reminding her of it as I get worried then she'll keep thinking of it when she sees me! Grrrr anxiety never ending!

  • hello ! if you had a broken leg you would have it fixed? why not anxiety about a situation ? your boss must be ok as you would have known otherwise by now.You need to talk it out to allay your fears.. Every one of us here on this earth have done things they later regret.If you want .. I will share mine if it helps.. Here's one....I got drunk once and told an ex's wife (they had just married that week)that he was unfaithful to her 2 days before they married.. When I sobered up I was mortified !! I still think about it occasionally and how horrible I was but don't dwell on it..xx

  • I've lost count of the stupid things I've done it doesn't make you a bad person, your boss obviously values you and has/is already showing understanding from what you're saying. If sharing helps I had an alcohol related accident that could easily have ended my life, it has altered my life for sure I bear the scars physically and emotionally to prove it but I can't change that night. I wish I hadn't had a drink, I wish the ambulance got to me sooner, I wish A&E had recognised my injuries for what they were, it was all my own stupid fault and I carry a lot of shame but I can't change that night. What I can and have done is sought help I screwed up and I'm paying the price but I won't let it ruin my life don't let what you did ruin yours. As for having a mental illness on your file I'm not sure anxiety would make much a difference 1 in 4 have a mental health problem which means a hell of a lot of people who have it on 'record' like myself are in employment.

  • Oh meant to say in answer to your question.... Yes you will.

  • Employers are not allowed to discriminate against disability and having a mental health issue is classed as a disablity.. I know this cos hubby is suing his employers via a good solicitor for this.

  • I've done so many stupid things - mental things - that I'm so ashamed of and they play on my mind and stress me out no end. I have the same thing with not being able to listen to music that reminds me, I also can't be in places that remind me or speak about topics that remind me, or watch programmes that remind me...haha....it's neverending. To be honest I think my mistakes sound more shameful than yours, and I'm too embarrassed to admit to them here.

    But everybody here is right. Everybody makes mistakes and does stupid things. It isn't worth the rest of your life worrying about it. Give yourself a break. Try to laugh about it. I BET there are some people you know who would make what you just admitted to an anecdote to tell down the pub. Believe me when I say other people do not take this as seriously as you, it's obvious you are not a criminal. And believe your boss when she says it's fine. She would have put you through a disciplinary already if it wasn't.

    Also, mental health does not go on any public record. Just as employers are not allowed to see your physical health records (they are completely confidential), they are not allowed to see your mental health records. So if you went for help with you GP, nobody ever needs to know about it.

    Even if an employer found out, anxiety disorders are so common it would be unlikely you would be stigmatised for it. And besides that, as Lotty says, there are laws in place that mean an employer discriminating against you could land in hot water.

    Don't worry so much, I have all sorts of things on my medical records and I also work with an enhanced CRB, but everything I need to be confidential is confidential.

  • I work as a senior leader in a school, and have had training in what to do if you have someone apply who has a CRB with something on it. I have to say that the trainers advised us, and that everyone in the room agreed, that something like this would make absolutely no difference whatsoever to whether you would offer someone a job or not. One thing they did say though was that it might be better if the person mentioned it at interview so that they could give their side of the story before it came back on the CRB check. I thought you might like to know, as although it is only natural to worry about something like is, CRBs are really meant to pick up child abusers, not people who did a dare for a stag do that they've regretted ever since.

  • My goodness, I am overwhelmed with the kindness of you all, you have all made me feel so much better about this. Although I still will regret it a lot, I feel a bit of relief after reading these comments. I work in a school so plumpmart your reply was particularly helpful, thank you. Thank you all, I really appreciate your fab advice!!!!!!!

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