Last night I felt awful. I was hysterical, trying to clean my 'contaminated' room until 2 in the morning, while my parents stood in the doorway, watching me in despair as I said over and over, I give up. As much as my step-dad said you can't give up, you've got to keep going, I said I'm not getting up tomorrow morning, I'm not going to therapy anymore, I'm going to ring my care coordinator Monday and say I don't deserve the help and to give my place as such to someone else, because I had wasted their time and was not able to fight the anxiety and OCD anymore. By half 2 I had persuaded my parents to go to bed, and I sat by myself looking around my room- I couldn't name one thing that I thought was clean. At 3’o clock, I stupidly decided to untangle four necklaces that have been stuck together for almost a year, and I told myself if you can't even untangle necklaces how the hell are you going to fight the OCD, and actually make a future for yourself. I wanted myself to fail so I would and could feel bad about myself, to add to the list of things I had failed at, and had not even attempted doing. I failed to untangle the necklaces, and fell into my dirty bed, feeling like a failure, once again, and eventually fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and thought of Health Unlocked. I check this forum almost every day and it really upsets me to see how many people are suffering with OCD, anxiety, depression and other mental health conditions, and who are desperate to get out of the nightmares they are forced to live with every day. I'm pretty new to writing on forums, but since I wrote my first post I had responses from lovely people who genuinely understood how I felt, and were more than willing to offer advice, help and their stories of how they are, where they are, and how they got there. I lay in bed for hours, and really thought about if it was worth me even carrying on.
Today I feel so weak, a failure, hopeless, lost, numb, I feel like my head could burst, but today I decided that I am not going to give up, because that’s what anxiety wants me to do. Anxiety, OCD and depression have cost me so much in my life- I had to leave my Masters degree that would have allowed me to work in a job that I have dreamed of working in since I was 12; it’s almost cost me my relationship, it’s caused other health issues, it’s robbed me of my independence, dignity, livelihood and the enjoyment of just being able to be alone and feel safe and content.
I’m not claiming to be an expert. I really hope that in this post I don’t come across as being arrogant, and down-playing others’ issues, and suggesting that it is easy to recover, but I hope in writing this post, that you continue to fight anxiety, and begin to have some confidence and belief in yourself that you can beat it and live the life you have always imagined for yourself, no matter how long it takes for you to get there.
I’m sorry if this is a cheesy way to end this post but I have a wall of quotes in my bedroom, and this morning one quote really stood out for me, and I hope that it provides a little bit of hope and inspiration for those who are suffering today, and who have suffered for a long time:
“Never let anxiety fool you into thinking you’re not strong enough for something. Never let your anxiety fool you into thinking that you can’t achieve your biggest dreams. Never let anxiety convince you that you’re not loved or that there’s something wrong with you. Never let anxiety fool you into thinking that this is how you will be for the rest of your life. Never let anxiety control you”