We can't give up

[jasummers]

Last night I felt awful. I was hysterical, trying to clean my 'contaminated' room until 2 in the morning, while my parents stood in the doorway, watching me in despair as I said over and over, I give up. As much as my step-dad said you can't give up, you've got to keep going, I said I'm not getting up tomorrow morning, I'm not going to therapy anymore, I'm going to ring my care coordinator Monday and say I don't deserve the help and to give my place as such to someone else, because I had wasted their time and was not able to fight the anxiety and OCD anymore. By half 2 I had persuaded my parents to go to bed, and I sat by myself looking around my room- I couldn't name one thing that I thought was clean. At 3’o clock, I stupidly decided to untangle four necklaces that have been stuck together for almost a year, and I told myself if you can't even untangle necklaces how the hell are you going to fight the OCD, and actually make a future for yourself. I wanted myself to fail so I would and could feel bad about myself, to add to the list of things I had failed at, and had not even attempted doing. I failed to untangle the necklaces, and fell into my dirty bed, feeling like a failure, once again, and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up this morning and thought of Health Unlocked. I check this forum almost every day and it really upsets me to see how many people are suffering with OCD, anxiety, depression and other mental health conditions, and who are desperate to get out of the nightmares they are forced to live with every day. I'm pretty new to writing on forums, but since I wrote my first post I had responses from lovely people who genuinely understood how I felt, and were more than willing to offer advice, help and their stories of how they are, where they are, and how they got there. I lay in bed for hours, and really thought about if it was worth me even carrying on.

Today I feel so weak, a failure, hopeless, lost, numb, I feel like my head could burst, but today I decided that I am not going to give up, because that’s what anxiety wants me to do. Anxiety, OCD and depression have cost me so much in my life- I had to leave my Masters degree that would have allowed me to work in a job that I have dreamed of working in since I was 12; it’s almost cost me my relationship, it’s caused other health issues, it’s robbed me of my independence, dignity, livelihood and the enjoyment of just being able to be alone and feel safe and content.

I’m not claiming to be an expert. I really hope that in this post I don’t come across as being arrogant, and down-playing others’ issues, and suggesting that it is easy to recover, but I hope in writing this post, that you continue to fight anxiety, and begin to have some confidence and belief in yourself that you can beat it and live the life you have always imagined for yourself, no matter how long it takes for you to get there.

I’m sorry if this is a cheesy way to end this post but I have a wall of quotes in my bedroom, and this morning one quote really stood out for me, and I hope that it provides a little bit of hope and inspiration for those who are suffering today, and who have suffered for a long time:

“Never let anxiety fool you into thinking you’re not strong enough for something. Never let your anxiety fool you into thinking that you can’t achieve your biggest dreams. Never let anxiety convince you that you’re not loved or that there’s something wrong with you. Never let anxiety fool you into thinking that this is how you will be for the rest of your life. Never let anxiety control you”

Jess xx

[Forestina]

Lovely. Thank you for posting, especially when you are going through a difficult time yourself, that takes courage.

[jasummers in reply to Forestina]

Thank you, I hope the quote helped you in some way. Hope you are keeping well.

[Jeff1943]

How dare you run yourself down and belittle yourself so much! You were born with intelligence, the ability to express yourself and good physical health: everything you need to take control of your life and make your way in the world.

You qualified to study for a university degree, for Heaven's sake, how many more virtues do you want in life?

You also had peace of mind, that has deserted you for the moment but by applying your other strengths you can win it back.

Something happened in your life to rob you of your quiet mind. You should identify it and come to terms with it. We can't change what happened in yhe past, let the past take care of the past, your life lies ahead.

As a result of some trauma you are having strange thoughts about cleanliness because your nervous system has become sensitised. You say you are going to fight them. I say you should accept them for the time being, we are allowed to have strange thoughts so long as we don't harm ourselves or others.

By fighting them you just create more tension, more stress which only maintains the sensitive state of your nerves. By not fighting and accepting the strange feelings instead you will feel less pressure, less fear - you stop continually charging your nerves with the stress hormone that feeds your jittery nerves. You give them a chance to recover their normal balance and when that time comes your obsession with cleanliness will fade.

I can see from your last paragraph that you are gaining the measure of anxiety: that old fraud who puts so many strange ideas in our heads. If you can agree to accept all the symptoms anxiety sends your way for the time being then the end of your anxiety is in sight.

[jasummers in reply to Jeff1943]

Hi Jeff, thank you for replying to my post.

Your reply was so kind and supportive, and I really appreciate you taking the time to write it, so thank you. I completely agree with you that if you can agree to accept all the anxious symptoms the end of anxiety is in sight, even if it's difficult to see and believe at times.

Hope you are keeping well, and thanks again.

Jess

[Lostjoy]

That’s a great way to look at this crazy illness, and to deal with it. Thank you for posting.

Wishing you lots of peace and wellness.

[jasummers in reply to Lostjoy]

No problem! Thanks for replying to my post. I hope it has helped you in some way, especially the quote on anxiety.

Wishing you lots of peace and wellness too for 2018.

[claire0410]

Thank you so much for the quote. I am having a pretty bad day and it really struck a chord with me. All my heartfelt good wishes for you (and all of us) that we find our way out of this. It's very hard to pick yourself up and keep going at times, but we do!

[jasummers in reply to claire0410]

Hi Claire, no problem. Thanks for replying.

I'm sorry to hear you were having a bad day, but I'm glad to hear that the quote struck a chord within you. I hope that the quote helped to add a bit of perspective to your anxiety, as hard as it is to see anxiety for what it is when you can be feeling so awful.

Thank you. All my heartfelt good wishes for you too. Yes, definitely, but we have to keep going and trying, like you said. Hope you are feeling a little better today. I'm always here if you need a chat.