I have had an eating disorder since 11 .. but have tried to get help with nobody taking me seriously except my mum, I don't want to die??!

[Vicky3]

I started to become aware of my disorder at 16 after researching my behaviours, my mental state, and explanations as to why it started happening. I had a severely mentally ill dad, and got bullied a lot when I moved to a new town because of my looks, my dad and how he was 'crazy' I have since had 2 children, and have tried My upmost best to get better myself, without anybody's help. I suffer with anorexia, and just saying that makes me feel ashamed, as I am essentially self harming. My first behaviours I remember, was taking my food to eat in the toilets, so I didn't get seen, I stopped eating in front of people, then I stopped eating my full meals, then I started hiding or throwing my food away. I made myself sick a lot, I passed out a lot. My mum first took me to the hospital when she caught a glimpse of me when I was 12, I was changing into my baggy clothes, you get used to hiding things once you've watched your mum, and how she hides her bruises and lie about how she got them, and that's how I hid my bruises, and my eating disorder, I lied, a lot. My dad was very abusive, he has been arrested and sectioned on countless occasions.

So my mum had taken me to the hospital/ doctors I don't remember, I am 26 now and a tenner the time I wasn't very bothered, I suppose, I hated myself so much, because I felt everyone who saw me hated me, that's why I never felt safe. The doctor told my mum 'she is doing this for attention' 'you need to eat' For 1. I didn't need want any attention, honestly, I always wanted to be invisible, I stopped feeling pain after a while of the abuse. I just didn't want to exist, I starved myself in an attempt to 'fit in' then maybe I would just be left alone by everybody. I burned most of the pictures my mum had taken of me through that period. And what I would see in the mirror, was co platelet different to what everyone else would see, I saw this massive person who looked nothing like me, so I weighed myself maybe 3-4 times a day, I ate a biscuit every time I felt faint, so nobody would notice and think I was fine. I've always had trouble with my appetite, but if nobody will help me after spending years trying to do it myself, then I don't understand what the point is for these 'public services'. I'm so lost, and alone, I broke down the other day and asked my mum if she would take my kids because I just don't feel like I deserve them. I'm ashamed of myself. They deserve so much better. I don't go out I can't stand wing around so many people, I don't eat as often as I should and what kind of role model is that?? I just need some help, but I don't know what to do anymore. My fear is that, my kids will find me dead on the floor, and that's not what I want! But I don't know what to do!? The constant battle with my mind kills me, more and more and I don't know anymore if it's my mind stopping me eating or my body. Somebody please, tell me I'm not alone!???

[RobynC]

Your not alone . An eating disorder is a mental illness and only you can train your mind to think differently . I had an ED from about 16-21/22 and I’m fine now but still someone get ED thoughts when I’m stressed or feel a lack of control in my life . I think most sufferers who recover still get thoughts but the goal is to just let I.T pass . I really wanted to get better and to not suffer needlessly and that’s truly the key to overcoming I.T : you have to want change badly enuff . It’s not easy but with determination nothing is impossible

[Jeff1943]

Vicky, you've gone through a lot of difficult times but you know what, none of it is your fault. Not one bit of it!

The problems ranged against you were too great. But from reading your message it's obvious you have the brains, the strength and the intelligence to solve your problems, to turn your life around completely. Both for your own sake and for your children.

Few here are competant to advise on eating disorders. Maybe you've already seen specialists in that disorder, if not you must follow that route. Even if you've been there before and found it didn't help you must try again. There are specialists who know how to help you. So see your doctor, pester your doctor if need be, that's what he or she is there for. Tell them everything about how you're feeling, tell it exactly like you've told us. I think you would benefit now by the respite that anti-anxiety meds can bring whilst you come to terms with the eating disorder. Keep pestering your doctor if need be and if you've tried them before without success insist on an alternative that will work.

Vicky, you are not going to die, I assure you of that, but you must get the help of professionals for both a short term and long term solution. Do please keep us informed of how things go, let's hope that this is the beginning of happier days. Why not?