A Pain I Carry (Anxiety/Panic Disorder)

I have this pain I carry

I searched frantically for a place to bury

It eats me up every night

I lie awake and feel myself losing the fight.

At first my job that I truly miss,

It then threatens to take the ones I held close to me,

Next, it chews on my peace

and now its taking away my sanity, albeit piece by piece.

This pain I carry but not for the world to see,

I hide it inside, so perfectly concealed.

My smiles and laughters still escaped occasionally

Though it is a sound that has start to seem distant to me.

I hate this pain

I loathe its presence

Creeping up to me with every worst symptoms imaginable

It held me prison against my will,

Controlling my body and mind with it.

Spinning. Gasping. Trembling.

I fight this pain that never ends it seem.

Blurry. Teary. Dizzy.

Help! What is happening to me?

Buzzing and pounding, am I dying?

No, please dont leave me alone,

It will devour me up to my very last bone.

But how would you know cause amidst all these, I am still smiling

Only allowing a peek when my seams are really bursting.

I got back up as fast as it first came to me

Holding on tightly to the little relief that it is willing to offer me

But this pain won't leave, it's merely hiding

Waiting for the next chance to creep back up to me

In between those waits, I no longer live nor do i care to exist.

Oh, it gets harder and harder to breathe.

I am searching for strength and the reason to believe,

That He won't forsake his servant and will soon send relief

I pray not for happiness but merely for strength

Cause I have two little angels that upon me they depend

Days might be hard and the nights even longer,

But I was blessed with a partner beside me, who believes I can only get stronger

He pulled me close and held me tighter

I'm here for you, is a promise he uttered

This pain will not see its victory

It might pull me under but I would not surrender

Cause if happiness is not here, then be strong my heart, don't you falter,

As the bigger reward will truly be in the Hereafter.

This is my pain.

In all its evil and glory.

It is my pain and it is my own to carry.

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1 Reply

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  • That's wonderful, Aphat! Thank you so much for sharing. xx

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