Lost hope

[CEW90]

Hi I just joined today. I have suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember and it's getting to the point where I'm feeling utter dispair. I've tried research, self help, counselling and I've lost all hope. I was first diagnosed with social anxiety but I worked really hard to overcome this by doing little things and it did help but I think my anxiety is more generalised now. I'm currently recovering from surgery and I am having major anxiety about returning to work, mostly because going to work causes me anxiety on a daily basis anyway. I've never not gone to work due to my anxiety as I have bills to pay and it's not an option plus I recognise that being signed off will start a slippery slope. I tend to worry about what could go wrong rather than living in the present, i.e. that my colleague will be off and I have to cover and I will screw up. That I'm not doing enough, that I will get asked to do a project and I won't feel equipped enough to deal with it. I just wish money were no object so I could choose a career based on what I feel happy and comfortable with, rather than a job to pay bills. It has got to the point where I am having suicidal thoughts, although I would never have the guts to go through with it nor put my friends and family through it.

I'm just exhausted with living my life like this and I don't know what to do. I'm not against medication as I've been on it twice with depression but I feel it is masking things and is a short term fix when I need to address the root cause. I was seeing a counsellor for a time but I can't afford the fee every week and our sessions were dominated by the job I was in at the time so we didn't spend much time on looking deeper into my past.

I have seen a few posts that recommend accepting how you feel and not trying to fight it but it's hard to do. I also know that the more attention you give to something the more you will think about it but it's hard to break that cycle.

The one place I feel safe is my home but that can quickly feel like a prison, ive pulled away from family and friends as I can't get out of my head.

Any help or advice would be gratefully received

[20Voices]

Hi and welcome,

You can get through this. There are lots on people on this community and others who have similar feelings or who are working or have over come these feelings.

You already have a lot of information that you can use because of the research and counselling you have had.

You say you have just had surgery and waiting to go back to work. It could be that you have had too much time at the moment to dwell on everything and that it has been easier to worry about the what-ifs rather than concentrate on the good things that can happen.

I know because I was always bad at doing that as well.

Have a think about what has helped you in the past, are you still using those techniques or have you stopped doing them because you felt better? Why not start using them again.

Have you tried thought records? I have one that my psychologist gave me that I use when my thoughts get out of control. It helps me think about the negatives and what the evidence is for my negative thoughts.

I'd also suggest that you look into talking therapy again as sometimes we need to go back and talk over how we are feeling now and of course if things are really bad you always have the Samaritans and Breath Space that you can call.

It is okay to be worried about going back to work, but you also have to be kind to yourself and realise that it is okay to make mistakes. The is the biggest lesson I have learned from my anxiety and depression is that I am only human and it it okay for me to make mistakes.

Take care and let me know if you want to talk.