Anxiety is all I know, wish I didn't

Anxiety is all I know, wish I didn't

Had anxiety come out as IBS in school from kindergarten until I dropped out in the 10th grade. Same when I started working jobs my anxiety would make it to difficult. Then I got married young (17). I got pregnant the next year and went to do paperwork at the OB for medical history and found out my husband was dx bi-polar, tourrets and schitzophenia and institutionalized mentally from 15-18years old. He was 24 when I married him. So my first child was born a bouncing baby boy. At 3 months old he had to have a muscle biopsy done and it was confirmed he had Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (Jerry's kids). I went into anxiety and depression and shut myself out of everything for 8 months. I came out the other side stronger on my mental state. 4 years later I had my first daughter, perfect in every way, but I couldn't stop the feeling I was going to find out she had cancer or something bad, thank God that never happened but the anxiety about it was crippling. Then 18 months later I am pregnant with my last son and they asked me if I wanted to terminate and I said,"God doesn't give you more than you can handle" I'm not sure if I believe that anymore, but I felt comfortable in it when I was younger. Needless to say he also has this God awful disease too. I couldn't handle the diagnoses and it just being me and my mom as my husband is gone in more hospitals and half way houses he was home maybe once a week. I got selfish and started going to the bar every night with my best friend. I wouldn't get home until morning or the next day. All that alcohol sure does make problems go away (temporary). I decided I wanted a divorce and got one. I enrolled in Cosmo classes and I got all done went on the floor to cut hair for the first time and had to call and ambulance for my "heart attack" I was having anxiety, turns out my career was over before it started. Major panic because I had strangers hair in my clothes in my bra and other places and couldn't handle it. I let a girl from schools brother move in to help with the boys and I continued to go out and come home drunk. Well he would help me get out of the car and to the bathroom so imagine my shock when I ended up pregnant without having sex. Well here was my last daughter and she was absolutely the best. I got shingles at 36 years old and the nerve pain was unreal, three weeks down. Then in 2010 my mother who has always lived with me had a stroke she lived for a month and in that month I lost my best and only friend to her boyfriend murdered her because he got the side chick pregnant. So the doctor I saw gave me Ativan 2mg 3x a day, I was me again. Then he stopped taking my insurance so I had to go to another doctor for them. My son got pneumonia last March and the hospital overdosed him on venctamyacin (sp) and shut down his kidneys. Transferred him to another local hospital and the next day his lung collapsed so he was life flighted to the children's hospital. I drove down an absolute basket case. I had to come back the next week for my appointment for meds. I started with I want to bring my Ativan from 2mg 3x a day to 1mg 3x a day and she put a drug cup in front of me. Now I have been honest to the doctor about my smoking weed and never had a problem. The nurse practitioner said your done getting Ativan. She demanded to know where I got my drugs and I told her from her and my medicine came from a friend who grows. She wasn't happy so she made it so no doctor will give me my Ativan that made me feel normal. So as my son lay in the hospital bed and struggled to live I sat on the couch for a month and a half detoxing cold turkey, struggling to live. School starts tomorrow and my husband has a problem getting up to get my son ready for the bus, last year he missed 72 days. My anxiety is through the roof. No one to talk to, so much I could still go on about my situation. I just need someone to tell me I'm ok and talk to me, I am lonely. My family can't be bothered with me. Oh and I read someone asking about where we are from I am as north in Pennsylvania as I can go unless I want to live in the lake,lol.

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5 Replies

  • Hi fearoffear that's one hell of a shit life you have had SO FAR !!!! I say so far as you are going to turn your life round and start having some happiness in your life .please get Dr Claire weekes book self help for your nerves from Amazon .it will change your life and we are all here to help you to.

  • I just started watching her series on YouTube and she is great. They way she talks and describes in detail and then includes you in by saying it will be a little different for everyone but you'll know what I'm saying. Very compassionate from the sound of her voice. I just feel pretty useless because my husband doesn't want to have to take care of my kids anymore so we fight and he calls me lazy but I would pick up my kids if I could I have Fibro also. I cook for them and get them things I can. I just ask him to lift for baths, going to the bathroom and putting them in their wheelchairs. He's gotten so frustrated doing this for the last ten years that I ask him and he tells me no and to put them in a nursing home. Over my dead body but I'm running out of options.

  • Hello, I read your post with tears in my eyes, you have certainly gone through a lot at such a young age. You are clearly still going through alot! It's very sad to read you arent getting the help and support from your husband. You sound a very strong lady. I wish you and your children well and I hope you hear from others on here that you can chat to also x

  • Hi fearofear so glad you are able to hear Dr claire weekes ,when I'm having a bad day I read her book and I say to myself float and accept the symptoms .so if you want to chat there's plenty of us on here ready to help.

  • I am so shocked, I thought what I was living was hard, I want to say thank you for sharing. You are a strong woman for holding on and for holding on as long as you have. I'm sorry they stopped you cold turkey, honestly don't know the thinking that went behind that. Practice deep breathing, try some tea as well, I've heard meditation works. Try your best to find a doctor that will help you. Talk to me anytime you need to talk

    I wish you the best

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