So I have no clue what is wrong with me I also have no idea where to put this post.. but since I have anxiety ill put it here..
Here is my background:
Dear Readers,
I have a story about how my past and highschool choices shaped me to be who I am today. I will be discussing the choices I have chosen which opened new doors with new paths including childhood memories that may help others who are in the gutter today.
I was born in January 7th 1994 My name is Kevin O'Reilly, And I have a story that may change your mindset on life or that may even change your emotions. My mother was a drug addict and my father was psychotic and had plenty of bad health problems. My Biological Father was the abuser and My Biological Mother was the victim until my sister was born. My sisters name is Lori and she was born December 4th 1992 when She was born things changed for my biological mother for some part. I was second born out of 6, four boys and two girls. My sister was tested positive for drugs when she was born and this affects her to this day.
I came into the picture on january 7th 1994 and my sister was taking care of me since my biological mother and father were not really capable of doing their job as a parent. When my sister was 5 and I was 4 things started to get bad in the house. Not only were more siblings of mine being brought into the picture but my biological father became more abusive towards my biological mother and my sister and I.
My biological father would take his anger out on us if we did not do what we were told by him he would get a belt and spank us to the point where we had bruises on our bodies. My biological Parents did not have a job and was getting money from social securities. Usually when you receive these type of funds you have to pay for important things, Well my biological father used that money for himself. Shows how neglected we were after seeing a flat screen tv in our apartment. With this tv came many nightmares for my siblings and I.
We were finally starting school and they saw the bruises we had on our bodies and something was getting worked out with child protection services. My sister and I were put into foster care not knowing how or where my other brothers or sister were and if they were safe or not we had other things to worry about such as who we were going to be living with and for how long.
My sister and I were moving foster home to foster home still getting neglected and mistreated for two years we spent going through the foster care system and the same outcome. We then went back to our home where we got reunited back with our siblings. My sister and I were the oldest and Had to change diapers and feed the babies as of we were the parents.
Life was not getting better infact things began to get extremly worse. I say this because we were forced to watch horror movies before going to bed and not being able to sleep because we were traumatised at such young ages by scream and Candy man and many more movies my biological father would always shut the lights off and make sound affects from the movies and act like we were in a horror film ourselves.
The last memory which is the worst memory I remember bright as day today was one night my biological father took my biological mother hostage with a butcher knife from the kitchen and held her infront of us. Now I have no idea how it happened or why it happened but my siblings and I were under a table crying histerically as we looked at the scene of a psychotic human being standing with our biological mother telling us in tears to get help or call 911. My biological father said to us with a big grin on his face " If any one of you yell or call the police I will cut her throat". After he said that We continued crying and before we knew it we were waking up our biological mother alive and our biological father being his abusive self.
Moths go by and my sister and I go back to foster care and meet with people who were interested in my sister and I. The O'Reilly's who I am thankful for giving us a second chance in life and a better life style and eventually they adopted my sister and I. My sister was 14 and I was 13 at the time.
After we got adopted we went back to school and we were the happiest we have ever been in our lives at thay point on I thought everything was going to be alright and nothing can go wrong.
Years went by and I was in Highschool and doors were being opened left and right for me I saw I had a lot of energy and I put it to work on the track I did Long distance races getting 6:17 on my miles. My best time was 6:08 for the mile run. I alwaya wanted to do Graphics art and design logos. Highschool was not about achieving high grades for me it was about finding who I was since Half my childhood was gone before my eyes. I learned a lot about myself in Highschool such as English being my favorite subject not because of reading but writing. My mathmatic skills were the best in my class then again I was put into a smaller class which helped me a lot in grade wise. I found myself lost in science and social studies they were hars subjects for me because they did not interest me at any time I maintained a C average for my core classes which include math english science and social studies.
What I loved about being in highschool was getting to know every one else that I didn't know. What I mean is at lunch time I walked to the cafeteria on the first day of freshman year and sat down at a table filled with other kids and Introduced myself and that was how I made my friends By going table by table and meeting new people.
If I didn't grow up the way I grew up how would I be capable of defeating Lifes difficult obstacles that appear in my pathways and that prevent me from getting closer to my dreams. I feel as though every one has a story that shapes them to be who they are meant to be some stories can lead to bad things in the future but other stories can lead to a successful future IT all depends on how careful you choose your friends and the choices you end up following through in high school and on a daily basis whether its hanging out at a party the night before a test or drinking and driving or even taking your first cigarette. Every choice has its own consequence.
I learned at the end of senior year that I am an outgoing individual that has a story just like any one else out there in the big open world. I realize I can achieve anything I want if I put my mind and heart into it. I also learned in the end that although I didn't try hard enough in my classes seeing my final report card having mostly A's and one or two B's I knew I was capable of getting on the honor role but I needed to catch up on my life first before I could succeed in achieving my Goals and sure enough By the end of senior year I was one step closer to Being able to achieve my dreams.. To be successful and not end up like my biological father.
Now here is my PRESENT DAY issue.. I have dated a lot of women and every single one of them I was either not interested or not fully committed.. I found a girl that means the world to me.. but I was flirting with other girls over and over.. but shey stayed.. i always said ill change ill change but months later yeah i changed but BOOM out of no where my brain shuts off or so it seems because I just sont think twice about what i do.. so we ended up getting engaged and sure enough months go by we were doing great and BAM she saw me flirting verbally with another girl and she had it she absolutely flipped and was breaking up with me and was saying that ahe is so heart broken she doesnt want to live anymore that I humiliated her and took everything ( i took her viriginity) everything she did with me was her first time ever and she was devestated because of me.. i do not know why I do the things I do and its so hRd because idk if its from my past or if there is another root cause to make me have committment issues.. I just want her to be happy and stay with me and for me to get help but i hate therapy but i told her I would seek help.. she has pushed me beyond my anxiety and if I dont have her im going to end up going back to square one.. hopeless and helpless.. my anxiety will return to its original agoraphobic state because the drive to get comfortable with uncomfortable will no longer be there.. in highschool I could only have relationships lasting 2 weeks people called me a player because of this.. ever since that title i kept it going even though had broken what i called a "curse" i have a poor habit of not thinking twice and staying committed.. i have ADHD (not sure if i mentioned that) and she doesnt fully understand what it is or how t affects people so when i tell her i get frustrated easily ( a side affect of adhd) she says you have no discplone no self control dont make excuses about adhd.. i used to be on meds but refuse any type of medication even tylenol for head aches.. any way.. if you or anyone actually read this i thank you dearly.. but if ahe ends up leaving me my life is going to be one hell of a road all over again.. she hit the nail on the head when she told me one day that I have issue with being alone for a long period of time or for a day.. idk what its from but i know no one on here is professionally capable of giving a "doctors" answer but im just looking for i guess advice or what my next move should be.. this girl deserves the world and I put her throgh hell.. but i do love her.. as dumb as it sounds i do.. i know some of you will aay well if you truly loved her you would stay loyal and faithful.. but thats my issue loyalty and faithfulness.. and i cant figure out the root cause.. i never vented about anything hint tovanyone ever since I was adopted no one lnows about my side of the story that wasnt included in the essay above.. i have terrible communication skills so during arguments i can never speak or express how I feel.. idk life gives me way too many lemons I cant keep up with making lemonade out of every single lemon... sometimes I just wanna tice up that i feel im an empty shell that my soul died and im just waiting for my body to decay and be done with this world.. i try to be happy but I cant.. one day im doing great then a week later I hit a Great Depression type of day.. i may have depression but it isnt every day type of thing its once in a month if not less.. im goong to maybe try therapy again but.. i have 19 years of no venting out of how i feel or what i want truly.. how the fuck can i start now.. i used to be religious and now.. now i dont know what i am i dont even know who i am.. i hurt everyone i care about and it doesnt stop.. thank you again if you read all of this..
It left an imprint on me..
Whats wrong with me?
What if??
How do I cope with my sister cutting me off?
Sister is terrified of being alive. Please Help.
