I feel like everyone hates me.

[kai8]

Hi, I'm a 16 year old girl who lives in The Netherlands. I moved there in 2014, and before that I lived in London. I've been constantly moving houses my whole life. I don't feel comfortable talking about this but I feel like I have no one else to tell because I'm so scared that they'll judge and hate me for it for the rest of my life. Like they'd think of me as a coward; a person that cannot stand up to herself. 'You're old! Do something about it,", "There are other people dying at this very moment.". I've tried telling my family about how I've felt, (negative thoughts, how I feel about my life), but they laughed at me and told me to shake it off. There's this empty feeling in my chest 24/7, a feeling that I can not shake off. A feeling of guilt, a dark feeling, that follows me around. Sometimes it doesn't show up for days and then all of a sudden it hits me like a ginormous earthquake. I now avoid the school cafeteria because I am too afraid to walk into it, I am afraid of all the stares that they'd give me. I always feel like they're looking at me from head to toe. Judging me. Making fun of me. Laughing at me. Making fun of my hair. Making fun of the way I dress. Those thoughts make me sweat in nervousness, and I end up walking into the bathroom instead. I then do manage to make myself walk into the canteen during the first breaks with my friends. My hands are always shaking my palms are always sweating.

There are many more who experience worser things than me, who experience bullying, wars, death, so why should I be complaining? Why am I so annoying?

Since I moved from London to The Netherlands, the language barrier set me 2 grades back. I'm supposed to be going to year 12, but instead I'm going to the 10th. So that set my insecurity to a whole new level. It destroyed my ease and will to learn.

Whenever I walk into buses, I always feel like their eyes are on me. They're repulsed of me.

She shouldn't be here.

Why is she here? She's so ugly.

I am repulsed of her.

She'd be better off gone.

Those are the thoughts that go through my head in public. Today, I went to a theme park and the whole time I felt like everyone's eyes were on me. Judging me slowly up and down. When I firstly got the tickets, the woman at the desk sounded really rude and I felt like she was repulsed of me. It really did take a toll on my day. Small things stay on my mind for months, or even years. I do face a lot of discrimination here, since I have golden skin and brown hair. It does make me feel unwanted, a lot. It makes me wanna move away from here. There are days that I avoid shopping, going out, or going into public because I feel like I am gonna get judged. I feel stuck. I feel like I am in a cage and I cannot get out of it.

Did I do something wrong? I ask myself as someone instantly looks at me. My heart rate always increases whenever I'm alone surrounded by people. Especially on buses here, because people stare all the time when I'm in it.

[Hidden]

Hi Kai.

I have a daughter that was almost going through the same thing when growing up. You mentioned you didn't have lunch at cafeteria and ended up in the bathroom. She now told me that when in High School she didn't have lunch in cafeteria but instead took her lunch into the bathroom and ate there. I was heart broken when I heard that. I told her she should have told me and we could've worked on getting her some help or at least know that I was there for her. I hope you can talk to your parents about this issue. It took her 11 years to tell me how she felt going through school. Today she still feels that anxiety but I sit with her and listen to her fears and try to comfort her. I never, ever, tell her she will get over it because I can feel the fear she has. I have enrolled her in a gym and Kai that really helps her. She is lifting weights and seeing the change in her body and she loves it. The gym takes her mind off all the sadness she carried for years. She also has a youtube channel MZFIVETWO00h check her out because in the future she will be talking about her issues with anxiety. First she wants to feel confident and know that she can do it.

Please talk to your mom or your best friend about how you feel because I'm sure you can overcome some of your fears. Keep me post it.

[kai8 in reply to Hidden]

Hi there, thank you so much for suggesting martial arts or something that has to do with easing the mind. I will definitely try out martial arts, it could definitely help me with my overthinking and distract me. I've always been a person who avoided social situations, and I've always punished myself for it. I'm deeply sorry that your daughter had to go through that — she didn't deserve it at all. I really wish there was someone who mentally held her hand during her school times. I hate the feeling of thinking you're unwanted; so the only option was the bathroom. I do that a lot nowadays. I never used to; it's a new habit. I've been losing a lot of friends & I feel like I am slowly distancing myself from everyone and I can't control it. I am so glad that your daughter's doing so great and that she's found passion in something that could mentally and physically ease her mind. I wish her eternal happiness.

[kai8 in reply to Hidden]

I also tried to search her Youtube channel but her user didn't show up! I'd love to see her inspiring videos 🌹

[Hidden]

I doubt that a home hates you, maybe you just are a bit nervous about being out in public.

Emb suggested some great things that you could try, like going to the gym or doing a martial art or something like that. They might help you to build your confidence and help to take your mind off of the things that are bothering you.

I hope things will get better for you, but don't be worrying about it all to much or the worry will make everything seem a lot worse than it is.

Good luck to you and come onto here any time if you need a chat with someone.

[kai8 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for replying and giving me an advice. I will try out martial arts or swimming; as they really distract me from negative thoughts. I've always had this eerie feeling that someone's judging me in public, and I can never shake it off. I am now trying to improve myself but it's so hard when there's something constantly weighing on your shoulder. I will take your opinion in consideration. I hope you're doing good too, you deserve so much happiness. I appreciate your kind thoughts.

[Hidden in reply to kai8]

Yes do things to make yourself feel better and more confident about yourself. You are young and you should be enjoying your life so don't let anything stop you.

There are lots of great people on here that will listen to you so don't be afraid to come on for a chat with us all anytime that you need too.

[Hidden]

Hi Kai... well remember you have a friend here.. Might be more like a mother for you because of my age but consider me your friend. :). You are not alone and we are all here to help you in someone or the other.

Here is my daughters youtube channel. MZFIVETWO00h.. the last 2 are number 0 before the h. take good care my little one.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Hi EMB1225, Your daughter is a beautiful young lady with quite a personality. Hard to believe she may be anxious. How lucky she is to have you by her side and watch her blossom into her own person. I wish her well.

Please let us know when she starts talking about her anxiety. I think many may be surprised. Take care x

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Good morning Kai, Thank you! It is hard to believe she goes through these anxiety attacks but I'm trying my best for her to feel better. Distraction is a good source to get these negative thoughts out of anyones minds. At least that is what I believe.

I will let you know when she starts to talk about her journey about her life and anxiety. In the meantime, you take care and let me know what you did today. Go for a walk at least around the block!

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Hi Agora! Thank you so much. It's hard to believe she gets anxious but she does. That's the reason I want her to get her mind busy and relax more. Thank you for the good wishes.

I will keep you post-it when she starts her anxiety video . Hope you have a wonderful rest of the day.