Long long story, not living life and have tried

This is along story so i dont know how to shorten it, but ill try, it begins in childhood my mum said i was a clingy baby she would give me to someone else id cry, at school i felt an outsider had friends on and off but was looked upon as uh that kid, i was so anxious and not good at doing anything as i was anxious, i then went to other schools got bullied had to leave got bullied again, 14 i was anti depressents,, ive felt like i couldnt really bond get on with people yet ive tried, everything i do makes me anxious or sick, i used to work but in the end it would get to me, id be on the bus feeling sick before id get to a job, whilst at a job i couldnt concentrate on my work however much i tried, in my head id start with one person i thought didnt like me, then id feel they were laughing at me, i used to hang out on my own thou i tried to make friends, id get so nervous i wouldnt go loo, or get coffees, if i got coffees is be so nervous id drop them! i couldnt walk past certain desks, the fear never left, ive had one boyfriend all my life who i loved, but when he broke with me i had a breakdown really bad i dont remember now half of it aprantley i didnt speak for a while, also it left me agrophobic, i felt so odd like an alien, this was 14 years ago, ive not had a relationship since though ive tried to bond with people the glue doesnt stick, im an only now 42 no friends, even though ive tried mentail health groups an other groups my mind sees hate in peoples eyes for me, ive had cbt my head just felt like a cotton wool ball, ive been diagnoised with genreal anxiety, social anxiety, im 42 no childrean still live at home and i feel i just exisit, my dad used to bully me to go to church he is a strict catholic thou hes not like that my mum is alot like me very anxious feels better at home, she doesnt have many friends she sees either, i just feel lost and is it all really worth sticking around, and keep on trying, im so scared of the day when my parents die as i have noone we have no other family only an elderley aunt! i feel stuck and tired i also have thyroid to, sorry typing is awful i just wrote what was in my heart else id never do it everything seems so much effort, and im on anti depressents to!

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3 Replies

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  • tiredpip, it sounds like you may suffer from "separation anxiety" which started very early on. Some children have that undeniable close bond with their mother that doesn't provide for them bonding with anyone else. Going to school and trying to meet friends is difficult because it doesn't meet up to the trust that they share with the mother. You've seem to develop the same traits as your mother who doesn't have many friends as well as being anxious and prefers being at home. As children, we learn what we see from those around us. If the world is made to look unsafe, we become unsure of others and feel alienated. As we get into our teen years, loneliness in not feeling accepted by our peers sets in. Depression may follow.

    Having been hurt by someone you loved just reinforced your beliefs that you are incapable of bonding with others. Now you find yourself at 42 still living at home and being scared of the day your parents die, leaving you all alone in this world.

    I can relate to this because I have a daughter I adopted from foster care who was diagnosed with separation anxiety. She could only bond with me. At 2years old I couldn't leave her with a sitter, she would sit by the door crying until I came home. Same thing when she started school. The bond she developed with me was unbreakable. She refused going to high school because she didn't want to leave me. Her world became smaller as her friends became fewer. She is basically Agoraphobic, Depressed, No friends.

    I'm glad you are on medication but I think therapy would benefit you at this point. You need to have a path to take, a plan should something happen. Fear comes out of the unknown. I'm glad you found this forum. You will hopefully find the support and understanding you need in not feeling so alone and lost. I wish you well, you've taken the first step by writing to the forum.

  • Thank you for your lovley reply, and you are right, maybe also we try and have that mother daughter relationship with other loved ones, i never bonded with my nan or my dads side of the family, even thou i tried again, i feel like people need to take the time not just quick one on and off things like my nan did she didnt really know me, i guess i feel theirs a wall up with them and why dont you love me like me however much you try and break it down, ive been called weird, and ive had people say to others they have tried with me but i dont see it as they have they have spoke to me but didnt have time to build, i did a mental health garden thing till one of the men who suffers alchol tried to give me a kiss! i told the boss they told the chap but it was left as that and i felt so awkward after when seeing them, i felt they took his side, ive had therapy but maybe it wasnt the right one for me, im so glad your trying to help your daughter and you understand her i hope she comes through to even if its a little bit getting better, i did want a family :) but even men didnt really ask me out on dates, even though i went to clubs with friends when i was younger! they would gravitate to friends not me, funny thing is my dog has bad separation anxiety i think i passed it on to him! with all these labels their are many more, its a mine field, i guess when we love someone we can be possisive which could drive someone away more i guess we are controlling, so it seems save to have no friends cause of hurt and dealing with stuff, i feel for your daughter but im glad she has you.

  • tiredpip, please write me anytime. I can feel this connection with you in regards to my daughter. She too has been hurt by relationships. To the point where she rather be alone then to go through that hurt again. I may not know you personally and yet can feel your pain. Please continue to use the forum for comfort and understanding. There are many who experience what you feel. Never give up. Life is full of surprises and one day when you least expect it, you will open the door and the answer you've been looking for will be in front of you.

    Take care of you, you are most important. My best to you x

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