Severe anxiety & self harming!

Hi everyone, good to be here and i look forward to talking to you all...

Im 41years old and was addicted to herion for 6years. I come clean of drugs the day i meet my ex-fiance in April 2013. What i didn't know at time was it was a bad idea to just stop like that and not touch anything again. Well i paid a hell of a price it. Almost instantly i became so anxious and my emotions were all over the place. I didn't know what or why i was feeling like this. Imean its really bad and im very worried. One day i tried to commit suicide and what i realised afterwards was it went away the minute i cut my wrist. Ive done it a lot, my wrist and leg, like 100times easy. Now in do embarrassed abt it, the marks i mean COs its not silly wee cuts, i mean bad. Last time i did it i did my wrist and my leg but i went to far and called hospital immediately. I took pictures to remind myself its time to stop. I cant describe how i feel, its like its end of the world, one min happy, next min sad. One min in love, one min m not. Or i wont realize what it is till next day. Ive been through alot in 3years and i don't wanna give up, in proud of what i went through and achieved. My life is a living nightmare....oh my dreams, sometimes i feel it hard to tell difference between dream world and real world....

Sometimes i feel and believe id be better off dead. I feel so alone COs of it. Id rather be in house where im safe and i dint really socialize. I cant do this pub thing, in too anxious n nervous for that lol baby steps....

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16 Replies

  • This is something very serious. Sounds to me like Bipolar and depression with Anxiety. Have you tried going to a Dr? Or maybe a psychiatrist? So they can help you get on Meds ? I really hope you find peace and also Lots of Help so you can get better and your happy life back. Take care xoxo

  • Thx for ur reply...ive been trying and waiting to get help from April 2014. IM waiting on a psychologist and psychiatrist appointment. Ive tried several kinda meds but made me worse. For my anxiety ive been given diazepam which is a great help. So you think bipolar? I do often wonder and feel like i have a personality disorder. Chemical imbalance in the brain? I don't know what it is but i just want the emotions to stop. X

    i was also admitted, shockingly, to a mental hospital but got out same day. TBH, i didn't tell them everything incase i was admitted lol i don't see or feel like something wrong with me, sometimes when i say how i feel, ot sounds like in crazy pr losing my marbles lol

  • Also, my sex drive is through the roof. Sometimes its all i think about. X

  • Lol i feel like thay sometimes too trust me. But if your emotions are running wild it can be bipolarness and OcD. I hope you get the help you need asap ;)

  • There is no shame in being admitted to a hospital for mental health care. Sometimes that is the best lace to be to ensure you get diagnosed fully and put on the appropriate meds. There really is no point in pushing help away by not telling the truth.

  • Gordon,

    You know this is very serious and has been going on for years. Years is too long, isn't it? Aren't you tired of this mess? What if one of those times you cut yourself you actually cut so deep you lost all the feeling in your hand or foot? Or lost the hand or foot completely? Would that be okay? Would dying be ok? It might be on a really bad day but not everyday and all the time, is it?

    Does the cutting take away your emotional pain? That's usually why people do it. Why not get rid of the emotional pain without the cutting? Why not feel GOOD??? I think you could see a Dr. if you've been trying to since 2014 don't you? You need a psychiatrist ASAP. You are worth the trouble of fighting to get to the psychiatrist and get the medicine you need to FEEL BETTER. YOU are WORTH IT.

    You CAN feel much better than you have been but you have to fight for it and do what the Dr. tells you when you get to the Dr. It's not fair that when you feel so crummy you still have to fight to feel okay but that's the way it is. Better times are coming if you follow your instructions once you see the Dr. You need to try the drugs you are given. I'll bet you already know this. You need to tell the Dr. the truth about how you feel and what has happened to you or you're just wasting time. These things are clues to help the Dr. diagnose you and get the right medicine the 1st time around.

    So come on, Gordon, and do what you have to to feel GOOD. There is definitely hope that you CAN feel good, even GREAT in your future with the right medicine. I'm rooting for you.

  • Thx for ur replies...

    yea i i know, it all coulda got outta hand. I have already done nerve damage to my hand, pins n needles. The Dr is telling me to wait to see a psychologist?? Ive only had my anxiety diagnosed. What ive found is the help that should be available isn't. Yea years is far too long. I just wanna get over this, its killing me.

  • Yes sorry, cutting takes away the pain instantly. I actually make sure it does by doing it big and deep. IM in a total mess with it and is so embarrassing. Last time i did it, 2jan, i had to get 38stitches in all. I went way to far this time. If i could attach a pic i would.

  • What do you mean "I did it 2 Jan?" You did it to yourself, not Jan. Jan didn't feel a thing, had no stitches. Was free as a lark.

    Is that what you meant by I did it 2jan?

  • Oh, maybe i shoulda said...When i met my ex-fiance i stopped drugs that day, wanted to be a better man. Thing was that she was bipolar but i didn't understand. As time passed i realised she wouldn't share her feelings with me and rarely tell me she loved me. Shed rather argue than say I LOVE YOU. It drove me nuts and i really started to hurt. It was from abt then that i realised my emotions were very raw. So when we used to have a drink we'd argue every single time. I found it really hard to cope and she wasn't supportive at all, nit one bit. It drove me nuts, it really did. I felt totally useless as a man and i started self harming. We broke up cos she cheated and im left with all this crap in my head. Maybe thinking this was my catalyst? My feelings n emotions have not changed one bit so it wasn't her. Ive never been in a relationship were the woman does tell u she loves u...

  • Dear, dear Gordon, I'm bipolar as your ex is and I'm NOT going to mess with your mind. I'm trying to help you out of this mess you are living in now. Go back and read your description of how deep you made sure you cut yourself. You feel embarrassment but you also sound proud. PROUD of your cutting job.

    Where's that coming from? Don't forget to tell that to the Dr. when you see him or her. I agree you've had diagnoses missed but I don't know if the Dr. or Drs. had all of the information they needed. Just the long term cutting alone should have gotten more than an anxiety diagnosis. Maybe the psychologist will be sharp enough to diagnose what has been missed up until now. There's hope there!

    I know it's very painful to be rejected by a GF and the hurt runs deep. The psychologist should be able to help you with this but it takes time. Meanwhile, you can come here and to other sites that just deal with love gone bad because you're not alone and in plenty of good company on that issue. I say this because there are so many places to go and write about your rotten GF and so few about your psych issues. Here you can come with your psych issues.

    I'm not a psychiatrist, just someone who cares and knows enough to encourage you to live a safer and healthier life. Don't you want to get free of this life you're living? Your ex is not in your future anymore, right? Your future is up to you. What will it be? Why not stop cutting, tell the whole truth to your Drs., accept treatment, get healthy, and THEN find a new woman who knows the truth about you and loves you as you are. Nothing to hide and no secrets to be afraid of. This can be your future if you want it. Gordon, I hope you choose this. You are worth it.

  • Gordon,

    Sick people tend to link up with other sick people. Healthy people tend to link up with other healthy people. You linked up with your ex fiance as a sick person and she was sick, too. Sick in the sense of being well balanced and healthy mentally. That ended up in a mess.

    When you get yourself healthy and your mind healed and much more well balanced, you are much more likely to find a well balanced, healthy woman to fall in love with. You don't necessarily think about it like I'm saying it. This happens often without people saying a word---each person just naturally senses that the other person is okay or not okay.

    Does this make any sense to you?

  • Hi suez, yes, perfect sense. Strangely i wanted to be the man that would look after and protect her. I came off drugs to be a better man for her, that a bad thing todo? I only say that COs she treated me like crap lol im 41 and ive never been treated or spoke to like that by anygirl. I always tried to put it back of my mind COs i thought it was her illness. But shed tell me one thing, ie i dint do romance, then next thing shed say shed want a man to treat her like that. Felt like she hated me it really did. I only asked her to tell me she loved me but shed rather argue than say. It really bothered me eh, i mean really bothered me. Id stopped taking drugs and my mental health and feeling of love n security wasn't feeling good and i just needed to hear her say "i love you". Then she cheated on me, twice. It made me feel like a right idiot. Wasn't her bipolar, she just didn't love me, that was hard to except COs i loved her to death. Not with her now like for 2jan, I ment 2nd January lol. IM not Proud of my cutting?? IM very embarrassed abt it, so much so i sometimes wear a tubagrip (bandage)...My Doctor knows everything, i had to tell him COs i wanted help. Ive only been back in my home town fae Xmas eve, as was away for awhile. After my big incident on 2nd January he told me to go to the mental hospital. At that time i told no one abt my leg vos i was worried id be judged and locked up. But i had to go back to hospital next day abt my leg COs wouldn't stop bleeding. Ill admit my visit to the mental hospital was somewhat a blur COs i was a total wreck. So im just waiting on appts 😞 COs of my mental state im really thin. I do eat but im not putting it bck on. I actually have my gp about that today....yes ofcourse i wanna be free of all this. Sometimes it feels like im not being heard by Prof. i may not be 100% truthful but IM 95% truthful. IM beginning to think that the things i don't wanna talk abt maybe the reasons why in going through this?? TBH, i don't think i can do this for rest of my life...thanku for ur replies suez 😉 i so appreciate your support X

  • I don't blame you for wanting to be the man your ex could look up to and count on to protect her and love her. That's very natural and commendable. Quitting illegal or too many legal drugs for that reason is commendable, too. You had all of the right reasons for doing the right things, except maybe you should have tapered off of the drugs.

    Your ex just couldn't love you the way you'd normally expect a woman to love. In your description, she has some serious problems with loving someone else as they should be loved and that leaves you out in the cold. You can't change her and that hurts, too. And we both know cheating is a heartbreaking way of betraying you. It's the worst. So very hard to get over.

    Thanks for explaining 2jan to me. Being in a mental hospital might have been helpful to you had you stayed. I went there myself once and all of the classes and counseling was helpful. It just depends on what help is there for you I suppose. Some places I suspect have very little to offer but suicide watch.

    I'm so glad you're telling so much to your Drs. It would seem they're slow to reach answers, doesn't it? Can you think about what you can discuss with them that will help them reach some helpful conclusions? You're intelligent enough.

    You're pretty sharp. Listen to yourself right here:

    "IM beginning to think that the things i don't wanna talk abt maybe the reasons why in going through this?? TBH, i don't think i can do this for rest of my life."

    YES, I agree that these things may be the exact things you NEED to talk about to move forward and not keep going through this again and again. And, YES, you CAN'T possibly do this for the rest of your life. Your body can't take this kind of punishment for decades.

    Gordon, you deserve better than this and you can HAVE better than this but you have to face your demons and beat them down. This may mean talking about the very things you've been avoiding as a 1st step to beating them. Please think about this, will you? Picture yourself talking about your fears or what it is you hate, and then coming up with a plan along with your counselor or Dr. to beat them down forever. You are a great sounding guy and I still say you are worth the trouble and deserve a better life than this one you have now. How about it?

  • Yes totally suez, absolutely agree. Tbh ur first person ive ever told abt my ex COs i feel i was just played. There alot more to it than in saying on here but the jist of it...My doc admitted that their understaffed and they may take awhile. So just have to wait.

    can i ask u a question? With u being bipolar as i don't understand, ive tried asking her but shed just never talk. Does being bipolar stop u from showing ur feelings? Does it stop u from telling the person i love you? Everytime i tried to talk i got abuse. She said she doesn't talk COs of her bipolar. Does it make you treat ur partner like crap but no one else. Or is it COs im right, she doesn't give a crap abt me? ... Can i msg u? Certain things id rather not share here....thanku G

  • I got your private message.

    I'll answer a little bit here.

    Being bipolar doesn't stop me from saying anything. I frequently tell the people I love that I love them. I'm a very loving person so that's very often. I do not treat my husband like crap. I treat him like I should--fair and right and good. When he acts like a jerk I do walk away or sometimes get angry and get mad at him. But he has to be abusive 1st.

    So, once again, you are right, she doesn't give a crap about you or she's not capable of love. She may not be capable of loving ANYBODY. Some people are that broken that they can't love anyone, sometimes even themselves.

    She sounds like she may be one of those people. That could be why she shuts down.

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