First post

Hi I am 39 year old male and have been diagnosed withPTSD and depression as well as anxiety. I was the driver of a vehicle involved in a fatal car accident with a pedestrian 3 years ago and since then have suffered with the above conditions. The accident was under investigation for a year and I was found to be totally blameless however felt and feel a huge amount of guilt and almost self torture myself every day.

Last September I was admitted to hospital with headaches and after every test under the sun was told it was anxiety. I was suffering from headaches, pins and needles, racing heart, depersonalisation, I have pushed everyone I know away because I hate myself and how I feel. It's a vicious circle I am married and have a beautiful 12 year old daughter but life just seems to pass me by and I struggle daily to enjoy anything.

I have read a number of posts on here and can identify lots with some of the symptoms

Thank you for any support

Matt

Skip

Featured Content

Join our community

The community helps everyone affected by anxiety by providing support, information and guidance.

Follow

Featured by HealthUnlocked

HealthUnlocked Health Blogger Awards

Which blogger helps you manage your condition?

Vote now

Featured by HealthUnlocked

22 Replies

oldestnewest
  • It was a 46 year old male, he was heavily intoxicated and ran out in front of my car and I performed CPR on him but couldn't save him

  • Matt, you did the honorable thing in doing CPR. The rest was up to fate.

  • I feel your pain Matt. My Mother passed away and I didn't even notice! I was sitting in the next room, I tried CPR but failed to bring her back. That was the worst day of my life. I know I shouldn't, but I feel responsible for her death. I tell myself everyday that it's not my fault, & others have tried to reassure me. But I can't help the way I feel. Best wished to you Matt. No one blames you, but you. I am sorry for this.

  • *wishes. :-P lol

  • mattmorris, I am very sorry for what has happened to you. I think all of us as drivers, fear that happening one day. Things happen in life that can leave us feeling destroyed over something that wasn't really our fault. I can't even imagine what you have been through in the past 3 years.

    What I do hope is that you get the help you need to heal. Until you do, you will continue to get the physical symptoms of stress. You owe this to yourself and your family. This could have happened to anyone of us. Try not to further push people away. You need the support around you. I'm sure if it happened to a friend or family member, you would feel helpless if you couldn't be there for that person.

    We are also here for you, not to judge but to understand, comfort and support you. I'm glad you found this forum. We will help the best we can, because everyone cares. Stay strong Matt!

  • Thank you for your kind words. I have tried to deal with this but have found myself pushing people away. I am currently undertaking CBT to see if bay can help me at all

  • Sorry to hear that. I pray you find some peace within.

  • Thank you Tanae, I just would like to feel less weight on my shoulders one day. Thank you for your words. I hope you find peace too

  • Thank You!

  • Hi Matt , what happened to you is a tragedy and was not your fault you are a victim too as this has affected your life so much, I have had anxiety on and off for 9 years and suffer terrible daily headaches and a feeling of not being with it/lightheaded amongst other symptoms! What I would say is to have counselling if you can and just explore every way you can to be well again, it is a long process and be kind to yourself throughout , baby steps each day , you are most Definately not alone xx

  • Thank you Katie, it is so unsettling having daily headaches and feeling light headed etc, I have had CBT this morning but it isn't natural and I tend to put on a brace face then go away and struggle again. I lost my dad 12 months before my accident and he always told me you can eat an elephant in bite size chunks! It is really good to feel not alone xx

  • Hi Matt. Tried to send you a response and darn if it didn't erase before I finished it....it was long.

    I was involved in an accident with a semi-truck,whose driver was at fault, but that doesn't seem to matter, does it ? It happened and took years of legal investigations.

    I was finally diagnosed with PTSD after two years of anxiety, depression, frustration (anger)and nightmares related to the accident. Don't suffer from flashbacks regarding the accident though, like some PTSD people do. (But have nightmares about it)

    But I didn't get the most beneficial treatment until I was sent to a psychiatrist who actually KNEW what PTSD was and how to have a psychologist do the correct testing to support the psychiatrist's clinical diagnosis of PTSD. The rational was that PTSD diagnosis was being used too freely, and he wanted to be certain of it in order to provide the best treatment.

    My psychiatrist is treating me with some ways used to treat vets with PTSD. I'll share what ones have helped me if you want.

    Your frustration (anger and fear/anxiety) appears to be turning back on yourself,instead of the accident. I accepted that slowly with help. I was telling myself if I had just been better driver, etc., I could have somehow avoided having that truck hit me and my life would not be like it is now.

    As a therapist who became an attorney, my parting thought is, if the man that died was intoxicated to the extent his judgment was so impaired, it probably was not his first, second or third time....he may have been the classic case of a deadly accident waiting to happen. Thank God he wasn't driving or both of you might have died. Unfortunately, that accident involved you. But have you ever thought of the accident in a different way?....While he was not in a vehicle, in a way, the man ran into you. Please don't turn anger/frustration on yourself for not being a Superman.

    Please keep in touch. We have a lot in common. Wishing that your day is a bit better than yesterday.

  • Thank you for your kind message, it was a really harrowing experience, the chap was three times over the drink drive limit and had drugs in his body and was totally incoherent to my presence. I tried to resuscitate him but he passed away in the road and I am left with so many vivid thought and memories of that night.

    There was then the investigation and a three day inquest with the family of the deceased man and it all took a heavy toll on my state of mind. There are a few other bits of relevance but I find it so tricky to enjoy much of anything and can't help but want to be alone

  • Hi Matt. Am at sea in the Caribbean and was just now able to connect with internet; my apologies for not being able to read your response until now.

    You are having such a difficult time...wish I had a magic power to reach through the internet and tell you face to face that little by little, step by step, you are going to feel better.

    You will, but I know you can't see that now. There is an old saying that the deepest darkness is just before dawn.

    What are you seeing now? Are you taking care of yourself, even though you may not feel like it? It is ok to be a bit self oriented and put your thoughts first toward your own physical well being....for so long you have been thinking about the man who you could not save. It is time now for you to think about saving yourself.

    It is so unfortunate that you could not breathe life back into the man you helped. It also unfortunate that he had not reached out to people who could help him with his addictions. (Sounds as though alcohol and drugs may have been his way of life....NA and AA literature reminds their members that drugs and alcohol abuse lead to only three things: jail, institutions or death.)

    Wanting to withdraw from people and life is not uncommon following such a shocking and emotional tragedy that you experienced. I remember feeling to my heart's core like that at one time.

    I am thinking of you and sincerely wish to offer strength to you to take a first step of healing. It is very basic but necessary that you first care for yourself .....are you eating properly? I know you may not have any desire to do so, but your body needs to well before it has the strength to help your mind and soul.

    Please stay in touch. I am truly concern about you. You will be better. There will be a dawn.

  • Hi

    Thank you so much for the message you have sent me, I am trying to look after myself and maintain a healthy diet still, I've always been fit so I know it's important to have a healthy diet to feel he benefits.

    It is such a lonely journey, i have a twin brother and every day it is so hard to see the person I used to be in him, and now I feel completely broken.

    I feel like I will never ever get better and this is me for ever but I want to feel the simple things in life like laughter and love and the things we take for granted.

    How are you doing? How is the Caribbean? I am sending you my best too and really appreciate you making contact with me. Please stay in touch

  • Hello Matt.

    Glad you are eating and taking care in that regard. As far as your twin....it's hard to not look at him and want to be like him at the moment: it's like looking in the mirror for you, isn't it?

    But you're not him,and never were your brother. You were your own healthy self. Remind yourself occasionally not compare yourself to him now, ok?

    Have you plans for Easter with your family? Really hope so. They didn't die, and I am sure they still love you and see your very core and know right now life is very difficult for you.

    If you must, go on and put on a "face" that doesn't exactly match your sorrow and take a step to find something, however small, to enjoy or smile about with your family on Easter. That is a small step of many that are going to help you through all this...please believe it.

    Happy and Blessed Easter to you and your loved ones. Please stay in touch.

  • You are a kind and good person

  • Thank you. I appreciate your comment. :)

  • Lots of good people on here mate and all here to help each other :) think positive mate

  • Thank you mate, it seems a decent place for a bit of support. It can be a lonely old journey otherwise. Hope your day is going ok

  • Very decent, some good advice too mate, yeh not bad just finished work so all good :) u?

  • Hi Matt

    So sorry to hear about the accident and subsequent anxiety. I am myself again suffering with health anxiety; it comes and goes but has always been there since the breakdown of my marriage just over three years ago. So I know how it feels to feel like you can't enjoy life any more, it really is awful.

    I find it's particularly hard when I'm on my own because then I think about things way too much and my worrying becomes worse.

    You sound like a lovely bloke, I hope things get much better for you very soon.

    L xx

You may also like...