So this has been a big fucking shitstorm of a cloud over my head for as long as I can remember. I can't stop thinking about my inevitable death. It just mainly smacks me in the head before I go to sleep, I just end up lying there. When this happens I usually just curl up into a hot mess of tears rage and sadness. I hate the fact it takes over parts of my life sometimes. I've thought about all the what ifs and scenarios and my family and friends dying, even my pets. It just gets so bad and so overwhelming sometimes that I break down to the point that I'm paralised, the tears just sort of stop and I somehow am able to get out of my head and ignore it do I can sleep. I don't even know if I have anxiety or not but its not just my own mortality, I'm just so consious of everything I do, I find it hard to make decisions of any kind, i am scared of putting my hand up in class because what if my hand looks like it's in a weird shape or what if my answers wrong or the fact that I'll probably stutter, it's just any daily task for me is like a huge hurdle I have to get over which makes some days hardly bearable. I know this post will most likely get ignored because of the sheer length of it but it just feels good to get some of it off my chest and out into the world even though I'll probably instantly regret what I've written after I write this and the fact that some people may have read it, I just don't want to suffer in silence anymore but I also don't want it to become a more of a thing then it already is. Ahh fuck everything just fuck it I'm wasting too much time if my life thinking about this shit man I just wish I was more blissfully ignorant sometimes so I could get on with life and be happy.


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6 Replies

  • Could be anxiety/depression but maybe see your Dr and see what help is on offer? You aren't weird because everyone else in your class is feeling the same way about putting their hands up/ calling attention to themselves, believe me:) Anyway, they do say to embrace your weirdness, geeks are cool - revenge of the nerds and all that. I've spent far too much of my life feeling 'wrong ' and trying to fit in and wish I'd sought help as a teenager but that's life. Is there a school Counselor you can talk to? Relations? Sounds like you may need to talk to someone. Look after yourself.

  • Icantevenlife, Hold the swearing down please. It's not allowed on the forum. We totally understand your fear and frustration with immortality and other issues of life. You felt defeated by writing a long post in that no one would reply. That doesn't scare us. We are all here to support each other. Because of the sheer anger and fear you display, I would think you need to see a therapist who can work with you in quieting down your thoughts of despair. I don't think you are that different than most of us on the forum who deal with anxiety, fear of death, self esteem. You are certainly not alone in what you are feeling. I hope you continue to come back and take with you the advice and experience the men and women on this forum have to share. My best to you.

  • Wow, you explained my thoughts. I understand exactly how you feel. It's an everyday thing and I wonder if I'll ever get through it. How can we not think about it. I think with all of the Internet and social media now it's just put right in our face.

  • Thank you all got your support in replying, I'm sorry for the swearing I wasn't aware that it's not allowed I just felt is was necessary to express my feelings at the time. I'll think about what you've said and consider your advice. Thank you.

  • I have nights like that, & it`s very depressing. It`s always seemed so pointless that we go through all the hassle of being born, growing up, only to get old & die.

  • Hi icantevenlife, I had something similar when I was a teenager. I worried about the least thing, like falling out of a car or getting run over or having a terrible accident. It faded after a year or two and I think it was down to hormones. It could be a form of OCD, as it sounds very obsessive. Please seek help from your GP and explain just how it's affecting you. You really need support and if it is OCD, there are therapies that can really help. I wish you the best of luck and assure you that you can get back to normal as I've been there 😊

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