I'm new here and I'm scared of my negative thoughts

[Laura221]

Hi everyone, I'm Laura.

I started suffering from anxiety at the beginning of July: fast heartbeat, dizzy spells, hyperventilation, stomach problems,.. You name it, I had it.

Then, the first semester of my second year of uni begun, and I started feeling better, the symptoms almost were almost all gone.

But, during mid-december, anxiety came back. (My exams started during that period). But this time, my anxiety was totally different.

I was sad, because I was lying in bed because nobody had asked me to attend their NYE party. Then out of nowhere I thought 'well, i just want to die at the moment', and that thought scared me A LOT, and it all started spiraling down. I started thinking 'do I really want to commit suicide?' and then every time I was laughing I thought 'am I really happy right now?'

I got over that thought, and then a new one followed: I had to take an exam, and I was standing there alone, so a thought popped in my head 'well, you're standing here alone, so, you must commit suicide now'

Later, I was watching a video on youtube, and someone said, 'last year, I always thought that I was worth less than other people', and then I started thinking 'I'm worth less than other people, I'm a bad person, i'm a useless person'

Now, I'm having vacation. All my friends are gone skiing, but I'm at home, because I can't ski. Today, I even went for a drink with a friend who is also at home. But while being with her, the thought 'I'm all alone and have no friends, so I must commit suicide' popped in my head, and now I'm sitting paralyzed in my bed.

Every time I have such a thought, it leaves me all shaky and makes me panic completely. I have talked about this with my therapist, and she said that I don't want to do this and that I'm not suicidal. I also don't want to die, but when I'm having these thoughts, it just feels so weird, as if my mind forces me to believe it, but I don't want to?

I don't know if this is a depression?

I've never seen/read anything like this, so maybe there's someone out there who recognizes this..

[Agora1]

Laura221, these thoughts of suicide are a call for help coming from deep inside you. We all may get depressed or feel down from time to time but when the "red flag" of hurting yourself appears, it's time to get help. Like immediately. These are not normal feelings, they MUST be addressed.

Keep us updated and seek help.

[Laura221 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your quick response. But my therapist says that these thoughts are OCD because I'm scared of them, but I don't understand that..

Are depressed people not scared of their thoughts?

[Agora1 in reply to Laura221]

Laura, I've never been afraid of my thoughts when feeling down. I've never thought that the world would be better without me no matter how alone I felt. Instead, I always turned my thoughts to the fact that things will get better. We are human and it's okay to feel depressed from time to time. When it takes over your thoughts of worthlessness, unbelievable sadness, harming one's self, I never take it lightly when hearing that from someone. I would rather over react then be sorry. I will admit I don't have experience with OCD. Just so your therapist is aware of your most recent feelings and the frequency of them is vital. Please keep the forum posted.

[Laura221 in reply to Agora1]

I emailed my therapist about my thoughts. You're answer has scared me even more, but I'm sure that was not what you tried to do

[Agora1 in reply to Laura221]

Of course Laura, that is not what I meant to do. My job was to save lives. You did the right thing in contacting your therapist. Only she knows your background and how it affects you.

My response was from my own life and how I feel.

I'm truly sorry for causing you more pain.

[Healthanxietyhater]

i also feel like this too, its like my thoughts are trying to scare me. i sometimes think about suicide even though i don't want it like never in a million years would i try and kill myself. maybe it is anxiety not sure. i sometimes get scared that my brain will make me kill myself so i make myself stop thinking about.. maybe I've watched too much horror movies haha

[Laura221 in reply to Healthanxietyhater]

Wow, it's quite 'nice' to hear about a person who experiences too! Once I get over one thought, I get another one.

[ShorttFox]

Hi Laura,

This is just OCD and those thoughts are called intrusive thoughts. I have suffered from these thoughts for a few years now and I have a brother who has suffered from them since he was a child. These thoughts come from anxiety and they do not mean you want to act on them!! Believe me, many people suffer from them and they usually revolve around your biggest fears. I have done a lot of research and spoken to physiologists and doctors. These thoughts do not mean you are actually suicidal, it is your anxious mind being a bully. I know how scary they can be, but the fact that they scare you and worry you means you will not act on them. Google intrusive thoughts and you will be surprised how much info there is out there, and reading about it can really help 😊