Have you ever had someone tell you "live in the moment, and appreciate everything etc." I have tried to do that my whole life. I like to stop and really think about my life and take in my surroundings and try to appreciate everything in it. Except that isn't exactly what I seem to do. I can remember being very young and looking at my grandmother and trying to really take everything in and take a mental note about her hair, her perfume, her make up, her facial expressions etc, because I knew that I wouldn't have her in my life forever. I can actually think of all these "snapshots" in time that I have taken. In my mind they are like a short video. They are so sad to me. They remind me of things I have lost, better times in my life, and things I know will be gone in the near future. One of my "snapshots" is of my family farm. I am up on a hill across the valley and I can see my parents farm, my horses, the white fence and the big grey barns and it reminds me of my childhood and simpler times. Whenever my life feels out of my control or extremely stressful, these images come flooding back, all of them. I want to do two things, go to my childhood home or get in my car a drive away. Just keep driving until I can't anymore. I know ultimately I would find no comfort in either. I simultaneously want to go back in time and flee from my current life. Its nostalgia and existentialism all wrapped in one. And to me, its one of the saddest feelings.