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Intrusive thoughts? **possible trigger warning**

So, two of my good friends got in a car accident last night.. They are both okayish. One had to have surgery. It was pretty terrible.. I was thinking about all of it in the shower and I kept thinking how I wish it was me in the accident. Not in a "it shouldn't have been them, I wish they didn't have to go through it" kinda way though. Does that make me suicidal? Or do I just want the attention? I guess I think about stuff like that a lot. Like I sometimes wish I'd get cancer or something. I never say it out loud though and I try to replace those thoughts with better things. I don't want to die, I don't really care about living, but I don't WANT to die. Am I a horrible person because I wish to be in those situations or is there an underlying problem? Are they just intrusive thoughts or am I just attention seeking? I feel like I've been in a better place lately in regards to depression though. The thing is, I don't really love attention. I recently had ankle surgery and it's so annoying how everyone is always asking if I'm okay and stuff. I know they care but I don't want to feel broken, you know? That's why this all confuses me. I don't know why I think those things. Any advice? Or at least does anyone understand?

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Hi, from what your saying you really need to go talk to someone!! Your doctor would be a good start!! Tell them how you feel!! Perhaps they could arrange for you to see a councilor so you can talk through your thoughts and feelings. I hope you can do this.you don't want to keep thinking that way if you can get some help with it 🙏🏻

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