Desperate. *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Annielane]

I can't do this. I am losing my mind. I have never wanted to die so badly. I don't think I could ever kill myself but I am down on my knees begging Jesus to take me. I pray for a fatal car accident or terminal illness or even just a coma. I don't know how to quiet the hurt. I'm sinking and forgot how to swim. Where's the hope??? Does it ever end??? Does the pain ever go away??? I'm so completely alone. And I'm falling apart.

[Agora1]

Annielane, talk to us please. What's going on in your mind?

[b_blessed_07]

DONT GIVE UP PLEASE STAY STRONG

[Agora1]

Annielane, what's pushed you over the edge today? How can we help you. Sometimes talking is therapy, a chance to vent, to express your fears, your hopeless feelings. x

[Annielane in reply to Agora1]

Lots of things push me over the edge.

[Agora1]

Annie, we need to know that you are safe...

[mysmugcat]

Hello. Please don't give up. I know it can be hard pm anytime. Are you a musician? I see pictures of piano and guitar on your profile. I play both. We are here for you ok.

[Chrissyann1551]

Many of us have shared those same thoughts. You are not alone please remember that. I do hope it gets better for you. The pain is at its most severe at the moment, give it time. Thinking of you. Take care!

[Daniellesparkles]

I know it's hard I know how u feel I've been there too but you will get thorough this I'm trying not to cry as I type...there is always a light in a hopeless situation please don't give up please try to be strong it's not easy but please try I Will be praying for You and all of us on here. Please keep praying please keep fighting

Don't ever give up

Best regards

~Danielle

[Annielane in reply to Daniellesparkles]

Thank you Danielle. I logically know it has to get better, but man I'm feeling low.

[Annielane in reply to Annielane]

I'm also so sorry you've been through this. It's hell.

[Annielane]

Agora1 Chrissyann1551 mysmugcat b_blessed_07 I'm not gonna do anything rash.. I couldn't do that. I know logically that people would care if I was gone. My family would be a mess. I just feel like eventually they'd be okay. They'd realize they are better off without me. I just feel like a complete waste of space. I feel unimportant. I feel like nothing I do or say could ever matter and that I just mess everything up. I don't necessarily even want to die. I just want to go away for a while. I don't know. And yes, I am a musician @mysmugcat

[mysmugcat in reply to Annielane]

They would not forget you and it would leave a massive hole. I lost my partner 10 weeks ago from cancer. I have depression. What instrument do you play? Just reply when you can we all care.

[Annielane in reply to mysmugcat]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that must be. I'll be praying. I play the guitar uke and kind of mandolin.

[mysmugcat in reply to Annielane]

Ty. It has been hard. Please let me know how you are doing pm anytime. Playing an instrument is a great skill

[Annielane in reply to mysmugcat]

I will. You do the same. It really is.

[Daniellesparkles in reply to Annielane]

You are not nothing, you do matter

You are worthy enough you are good enough you are important you know why because God made you he loves u

and it's okay to take a break try to relax if at all possible

A lot of people mess up things and make mistakes it's normal it's ok it's a part of being human

[Agora1 in reply to Annielane]

Thank you for answering Annielane. I can breathe. We need to keep each other safe. There are times I know that life this way can get so overwhelming but it's never an option to do something rash. Your family would never be the same, never. You are not a waste of space. You are important to more people than you realize. I can't tell you how many times I felt like running away. But running where? My mind would be with me and so would the problems and issues I'm trying to run from. And so the answer is to take escapes from your troubles. A mental escape. We all need that at times. If you are able to vacation somewhere and enjoy a few days to yourself, then go for it. But not to just run away from your problems. So you are talented. A musician. Do you ever get lost in your music as an escape?

Annie it sounds like right now there is a stumbling block in the road, go around it. Don't let it stop you from living your life and pursuing happiness for yourself. Life can be difficult at times, it is our responsible to create joy.

Look at all the people who reached out to you today. Step back for a moment and smile and know how much you are care about. Take a few deep breaths Annie and wipe your tears. You are never alone. Stay safe, Stay positive and Stay Strong..xx

[Annielane in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. Sorry for scaring everyone. This is the one place I have to talk about the demons that threaten to take me over. I will keep pushing.

[Agora1 in reply to Annielane]

And keep using the forum for that Annie. We all need a safe place to express our fears. xx

[b_blessed_07 in reply to Annielane]

Hopefully u wont i know liffe cAn be hard. But it can also can be beautiful.. im praying 4 you.. if u need to vent u cAn always inbox me

[laverdasf1000 in reply to Annielane]

Hi Annielane,

So sorry to hear you are feeling so low.

I know from my own experience that even the darkest hour can get brighter.

I lost my wife back in January this year, it was Diabetes, Chronic Kidney disease and Pneumonia that took her from me after 20 years of marriage.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for over 40 years, I am nearly 62.

I thought at times my life is over and I may as well go and join her.

However I found a road back to life, through family and organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Care.

I am not sure where you are but Cruse is a charity here in the UK that provides support and counselling for anybody of any age that has lost somebody.

I had 1 to 1 counselling to start with and then joined a Cruse social group.

Unfortunately it is a slow process and takes time which I know is difficult as we all want a quick fix to our issues.

I am now on the local Cruse committee, I am a member of a local Amateur radio club, I have just started at the hospital radio and run with a group from a local church.

It takes time but you will get there, don't be afraid to ask for and get help.

You will get there, you have the support of everyone on this website.

Please send me a message any time you need to talk.

stay strong you will get there.

Take care,

Regards, laverdasf

[Annielane in reply to laverdasf1000]

I'm so sorry about your wife. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose someone that close to you. It means so much to me that you come on here and encourage and try to help people even though you're hurting like that. Thank you. I'll be praying for you.

[20Voices in reply to laverdasf1000]

Hi Laverdasf,

I understand your pain my aunt died 2 years ago after being diagnosed with cancer. They didn't discover it in time so it took her within months of her diagnosis. My poor uncle was devastated as she was his world.

He is still missing her really badly and he was concerned that people keep telling him he should have moved on by now.

I told him that people who say that are wrong, that he will take his own time to come to terms with her loss. He still gets counselling when he needs it and goes to a men's club at his local church which helps.

We all have to take our own time to heal and it is good that you found someone to talk to and are now helping others.

Take care and keep up the good work with your are doing to help others. Just remember to keep asking for help when you need it as well.

Regards, 20Voices

[LaurieRose]

Hi hun I was like you two days ago there was a merry go round in my head it wouldn't stop spinning. I lost a friend in may and my son is depressed who lives with me and lots of other problems. sometimes it justs gets too much I know. it's a trauma you've beenthrough losing someone so close and your mind is acting as can be expected but definitely wanted. You can ride it through hun, just keep believing, have faith. With the support here and just keep telling peple, share it all, also get the drs help, meds are sometimes the only way short term, like a comfort blanket. Sleep, exercise and good nutrition really do help. Keep talking, stay connected, you can get through it. xx

[20Voices in reply to LaurieRose]

Hi, Yes you are right we can all get through this.

We can spend so much energy supporting others and so much time with our busy lives that we forget about ourselves.

It is okay to spend sometime each day taking care of ourselves. It is okay for us to recognize what we are good at and to be proud of the things we do, no matter how small those things are.

We are all unique individual with our own skills and that is okay. It is okay to have off days and it is okay not to be great at everything as well. We should celebrate what we are good at and what we do. (Even if today the only thing you are good at is getting out of bed and making a cup of tea. Some days that is enough.)

Seek the help you need from doctors, psychologists, friends, family, etc. If you don't understand the meds you are being given or the techniques you have been given to try then ask. No question is a silly question you have to understand what you are trying as it won't be as effective and it is good to know about your medication so that you understand why you have been given it and what the potential side effects are.

Sleep is definitely very helpful. Got mine sorted most of the time by creating a sleep routine and adjusting what I eat and drink in the evening.

[LaurieRose in reply to 20Voices]

I took zopiclone and sertraline and nothings happened,,,i don't feel sleepy, should I aso take the diazepam? just want t sleep.

[20Voices in reply to LaurieRose]

You should speak to your doctor about your medication.

Do you have a sleep routine? That might help you.

Things like not drinking caffeinated drinks after mid afternoon.

Ensuring you switch off all electronics about an hour before you go to bed.

Doing something relaxing before you go to bed.

Ensuring you don't have any electronics in your bedroom or that they are all switched off when you go to bed.

Try a soothing fragrance in your bedroom. Lavender is usually the one your hear about,but some people don't like lavender. There are other fragrances like frankincense, cedarwood and bergamot. I make my own essential oil blends and use them for a nice foot massage or a room fragrance.

[Annielane in reply to 20Voices]

Thank you, I'll try those.

[20Voices]

Hi Annielane, So sorry you are feeling this way, but please don't give up.

Please know that you are not alone. We are here for you and some of us have been where you are now.

There is hope. You are not alone. The pain does lessen and you will find a way through this.

If you need to speak to someone rather than wait for messages through the forum then please use the helplines in your area. I had to call the Samaritans last month because I was feeling so bad in the middle of the night and I had no internet because I couldn't afford to pay it. I couldn't call a friend because I had now credit for phones, but the Samaritans helpline is a free call number so I called them. Just spending time speaking to someone who was not there to judge was good. I didn't want to do anything silly at the end of the call and I had managed to calm myself enough to think things through and make a plan for what I needed to do.

Since then I have had ups and downs. This week has been bad again, but I have started a new technique called compassion meditation which is helping me.

If you want to pm me I can pass you a list of various techniques I've tried to help with those overwhelming moments.

Glad to hear you are a musician, music can be really helpful when you need some help. At the moment I am using an Album called ARMS by Slow Moving Millie to help me. It keeps me calm and focused and I find the music very moving as well.

Take care and if you need anything get in touch,

Thinking of you and everyone else who is feeling bad but is unable to talk about it at the moment.

[reinagrace]

Hi Annielane I wish I could give great encouragement but hard to give what I don't feel. Just know i'm praying for you and all on here. Fervently and daily i pray for relief for us all. You ask if the pain ever ends, for me no it didn't. over 4 decades i've been asking God to take me Home, since i was a child, and I still ask Him daily. but i guess it reached a functional point somehow, since He did give me the mercy of being able to be on disability. in those years of having to go to school as a kid, and work as a young adult, i remember how awful it was to suffer horrible insomnia , sleep a couple hours then wake up with awful pain in my gut , dreading how i was gonna function thru the day so exhausted, the first thought in my head upon awaking was always, "Shit you STILL haven't killed me God?" But now being on disability and not having that pressure to work, i've become more functional and i try to just be thankful for this Mercy though still suffer a lot. I'm not suicidal as i used to be but a lot has died inside, from the decades of severe depression. Great that you can still play music- i used to play piano very well , and even wrote songs- but the music died for me, a long long time ago . As did many other loves i used to have inside . Keep the music alive as you still can i guess that's my best advice. Blessings

[Annielane in reply to reinagrace]

I'm so sorry you've been suffering for so long.. You'll be in my prayers as well. I really appreciate the encouragement even though you don't feel it for yourself.

[Marisoljay]

Annie it is well we all here are in one problem or the other some of us get relieve at some point but some of us don't like me it been 3weeks now I don't think of anything order than death for the whole till I sleep at a point in time I said to God y won't it just happen but I don't really mean it I know deep within me that I am born for great things even the bible says that he die to give us life, so Annie pls try and put ur trust in him it will be OK and to all of us in here I believe there is hope for us let just wait on him urs might be now others latr and some it takes time but still he will do it for us (amen) and we should remember to pray for each other.

[Annielane in reply to Marisoljay]

You're right. His plans are greater than ours. I try to remember that. It's just hard sometimes. I'll be praying for you and I really appreciate the encouragement. It's important to be reminded of the goodness of God as often as possible.

[Bill2020]

I see you already got a lot of replies and support but I wanted you to know I can relate. I suffer with severe depression/anxiety every single day and often feel how much more can i possibly endure? Are you on meds? I recently changed my meds and it has helped give me at least some relief. God Bless and hang in there. You're not alone as there are many who can understand how you feel.

[Annielane in reply to Bill2020]

I'm so sorry you also struggle with this. I'm not on meds.. I had the option to about a year ago but decided not to.

[Bill2020 in reply to Annielane]

may i ask why you decided against it? It could be life changing for you, many people have dramatic improvement on meds, but you won't know to you try. Are you afraid of the meds? I ask only because that is common.

[Annielane in reply to Bill2020]

I decided not to because I didn't like the affects. I also was getting better at the time and had more strength to fight the demons on my own.

[Bill2020 in reply to Annielane]

you may want to reconsider, depression can be caused by our environment but sometimes it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and the only way to correct that imbalance is with meds, there are so many different safe meds available to you, you can consult a dr again and explain the side effects that you did not like and he can choose a different med also side effects usually subside after about 2-3 weeks,

[Annielane in reply to Bill2020]

I'll look into it. Thank you.

[Gogo1]

God hears you ,you must not stop crying out to him, sometimes you go thru the fire only to draw closer to him,read lamentations chpt 3, it speaks about what your going thru and if you hold on and trust him you will overcome this

[Hidden]

Hi, there are so many people here that you don't know and have never met you but we all care deeply for you on another connection! Hang strong and endure because God will never let you go and nothing in life ever lasts so this just a stage in your life that you'll get through!