Painful realizations... Abusive relationships.

[Annielane]

Well, 2016 was a big year mentally for me. I realized a lot about myself and what I've survived in my life. My latest big life realization was my ex. I have always said the relationship was just unhealthy, which is very true, but it was more than that. I think it was abusive. And the reason I say "think" is because I constantly doubt myself probably due to abusive relationships. There's a lot of details and things he did to me. Never physically though, but for me, emotional is worse. Even if he were to physically abuse me, it wouldn't be the physical pain that I'd worry about, it'd be the emotional scars and damage that took place on account of that. Before him I was in a different abusive relationship with a close friend. I was really young during that one though. It was both physically and emotionally abusive. She is no longer in my life except for in my thoughts. These two relationships really messed me up, more than I care to admit. Talking about them doesn't necessarily bother me, or I guess "trigger" me. But talking about how I feel or what they did.. Is a different story. I feel like. It's my fault. If I would've been different, if I would've been better. The counselor in my head knows that's not true. Knows that its not my fault. But that doesn't change how I feel. Everyone always says "oh that's not true, don't believe that" or whatever, and I know logically what's true and false, but that doesn't change my feelings. Doesn't make it hurt less. If anything it hurts more. I know that it was their sick and twisted minds that chose to do what they did and not my fault, but I still feel like I'm to blame. What if I'm just being dramatic?? What if people will take their side?? Enough people have told me I'm wrong... It's overwhelming. I want to feel safe and like I can talk to people, but I can't. They couldn't understand, right? They will blame me. They will say it's my fault or look at me like I'm crazy or broken and I can't handle that. I don't want to feel as fragile as I am. I want to feel strong. To feel powerful. But I'm not. I feel weak. Powerless. Worthless. And it pisses me off cause it's their fault! They did this. But I can't help but blame myself. I don't know what to do. How do I heal if I can't even talk about how I feel with anyone in person?

[FXP_OK]

I don't think anyone who hasn't been in an abusive relationship can really understand how it makes you feel. What is important is that you've taken that vital first step and got yourself out of it. There are no shortcuts to getting over it. You need time and you need to forgive yourself. It''s a long time ago now but when I was in an abusive relationship, I made lots of mistakes. But those mistakes were forced on me. It took me a long time to realise that. What you need now to regain your self-confidence is to strike out on your own. Resist the temptation of stumbling into another relationship. It might sound obvious but I did it, and later kicked myself. I think it's much easier to talk to people who have no vested interest in you and your life. Friends and family (often unwittingly) bring their own agenda. If you can afford one, see a counsellor. I personally found cognitive behavioural therapy good because it gave me my confidence to trust my own instincts again. I was so used to complying with my ex''s wishes, I'd almost forgotten what my own views were. It took some time to rediscover the real me. But I did. And I actually quite like myself now! If you can't afford a counsellor, we could possibly chat by email? I don't think I can necessarily offer the answers but I was where you are now, and I've come out the other side and have a great life now. Things will get better...promise

[Annielane in reply to FXP_OK]

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry you went through this as well. I'm hopeful that I can recover as well as you have. I've been trying to find a new counselor but none have been very good. Thank you so so much.

[FXP_OK in reply to Annielane]

I can now look back and think "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I was rather weak-willed and naive. Now I couldn't be more different. I learnt from what I went through and I'm a better person for it. But rebuilding self-confidence is key. I had a wonderful counsellor and one mantra I live by to this day is that when faced with a problem you should take the smallest possible step in the right direction. It sounds counter-intuitive but it makes complete sense. I often used to set my own targets unrealistically high, dooming myself to failure with all the negativity that brings. But a small step in the right direction is always manageable...and builds you up and makes you feel more in control. Keep trying on the counsellor front. You'll find someone that suits you. Onwards and upwards, sweetie...thinking of you...x