Your inner subconscious in relationships

It is so funny how anxiety stems from that. How it stems from small details of your past building all together on one. Literally from my parents divorce I have "lost" in a sense so many people that meant a lot to me whether it was really close friends that just weren't the friends I thought they were so I cut them off because I didn't want to be hurt but cutting them off hurt me more but I made it through it or not getting close to people because of a fear of being abandoned and losing the ones closest to me.

I now gear it towards relationships obviously due to the divorce. I have NEVER been good at relationships. I push guys away, I run away, I NEVER get close because any guy I actually start having feelings for has left me and that is when my walls SLIGHTLY come down and the moment they do right back up and I am like I am ok one day I cry and then I am fine no worries. But when I get into the real meat and potatoes of relationships that is when my anxiety comes up because I love that person so much I am so scared of losing them. My dreams show me it too I used to get reoccuring ngihtmares of my ex and him leaving me for someone better telling me yeah he loved me but she is better and I wasn't good enough and that he is just done with me. I mean I felt so broken in those dreams I cannot even describe how awful I felt. So when I had one of my current boyfriend I knew 100% right away that was the reason why. That was the reason why I had anxiety even though I thought it was somethign wrong with the relationship it was actually my subconscious being afraid of him leaving me and me not being good enough or cheating on me (I have had those too) and now that it has all clicked together my anxiety is much easier to handle. I don't get it as much and when I do I talk to him about it and I just tell him hey im trying to build up a wall right now because my anxiety is scared of me being hurt and anxiety is my comfort zone but I don't want to build that wall. I want to fight this so badly because of how much I love him and don't want to lose what I have because I want a future with him.

Any tips on help with dealing with that kind of anxiety over abandonment issues? I do see a therapist and I figured this out on my own but will be talking to her next time I see her but anyone who has dealt with this before I would love to hear thoughts on this and how to work at it. Because I was just there with him and my anxiety came up a tad I was LOOKING for somethign to be anxious about but then we talked and laughed and had a wonderful time and it subsided.

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