Life long battle

I'm turning 55 next month , had my first complete nervous breakdown at 11 & several more throughout the years . Meds , therapy , exercise , diet , self help books , meditation , group sessions , intensive therapy & all the other b.s. Has not helped me AT ALL . I cry for no reason , feel tense , shake like an earthquake is going through my body . I feel like I'm not connected with my body , pressure in my head , vision problems , electric sensations in my head , constant thoughts of death , sudden & frequent panic/anxiety attacks even when my life is going ok . It's impossible to keep a job now . Stomach distress , nausea & insomnia are my constant companions . I have never felt like I fit in with the rest of the world ... Nothing makes me happy & I mean nothing at all ! I want to scream & lash out sometimes ; I try not to because that doesn't help either . I'm in a very dark & lonely place ... My husband is scared for me ; I can't take much more . I have been to so many different therapists & psychologists & taken so many meds that I refuse to go back to any doctor now ... Why should I they never help me & if I wasn't paying them they wouldn't even listen to me ; it's not like they really care anyway it's just a job . About the time I feel confident enough to go shopping I have a severe episode & im locked back in my house again . My enemy is my own body & mind ... How do you fight yourself ? I have no control I just feel like I'm waiting to die at this point .

9 Replies

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  • Hi Fidget

    Your post is something most of us feel, often and for various periods of time. In some ways, there's no fixing those feelings, as you already know, from the many times you have tried to fix them with meds and therapy.

    The news that keeps all of us alive is that these deep and uncontrollable periods are just that...periods. They last from days to weeks or months, but they do indeed lessen and sometimes disappear, replaced by days, weeks or months of relaxation, ability to make small but meaningful achievements and feelings of rest, good sleep and happiness. For me, doing the day by day thing helps, but it is those deep dark minutes where I feel are the most dangerous. Keep posting here...you certainly are not alone. I'm here and so are dozens of others.

  • But you are an expert on all of this and have survived to age 55. Well done. You must have got something right and be very strong.

    The biggest difficulty is living with yourself I agree, but you've done it for so long, why the difference now?

  • Welcome to the site, Fidget. You have lots of friends here, that totally understand you. We all need that. People without anxiety, don't understand us at all. They think we should " Get over it " . Easier said than done! Everyday I try to think of one good thing about the day. Most days it's.... nothing went wrong today. That's sad.....How about you? Ruby🌹

  • Thank you ... Several family members actually did tell me to get over it ... A good day for me is one when I don't have an "episode" ... You're right no one does understand unless they have these problems themselves . I envy happy people .

  • Is there such a thing as a happy person, a truly happy person all the time? No one can be happy all the time..no one no way..

  • I would settle for occasional happiness ... I can't remember the last time I was truly happy .

  • You will have at the very least occasional happiness, I am sure of that. I know that it it hard to believe when you are going through what you are going through now though. Earlier this year I was stuck at the bottom of a very black hole, with seemingly no way out. It takes time, it really does. And you're absolutely right about no one understanding how you feel when they have never been through it themselves. Those who have never suffered from anxiety, depression, etc do not have the first idea of the torment that is poor mental health. Best wishes to you. You will find the strength to get through this difficult time.

    Anna

  • Hi Fidgett, I've been through all you have as well for years. Everyone of your symptoms I can relate to. Everyone of the solutions you choose, I did as well. It was like....open your mouth, swallow a pill and wait for the magic to happen. (I don't think so) Go to the therapist listen and cry while they talk and then leave wondering why everything isn't getting better. These are only "crutches" not solutions. The answer is within us. Only we are capable of taking all we have learned over the years and put it towards healing from within. As long as there are issues swept under the carpet, the anxiety will survive. You must start with a clean slate from this day forward you will make a turn around. Are you still on medication?

    You are your own worst enemy because you are fighting with yourself. Surrender and accept the facts. It's the only way. Your mind is waiting for you to take control of things again. Tell yourself that you will no longer tolerate being dominated by anxiety. Symptoms come and they go but they will go faster if you don't give into them.

    Fidgett, pm me anytime. I would be happy to walk you through. There's a life out there waiting for you. Be happy my dear. x

  • Thank you both for responding ... No I am no longer on meds ... I am trying to move on but sometimes I have these relapses & spiral back down the rabbit hole . I'm currently fighting my way out of the dark place I did see a ray of light today 🙃 first time in months . When I posted on here I just needed to sound off I didn't expect responses ... Even though I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy it is nice to connect with people that have been through this hell & understand what I'm going through .

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