I'm so tired of everyday living in a constant state of 'alert' waiting for some horrible thing to happen. I have three girls -17, 13,and 4. The 13 yr old has always given us problems in terms of explosive tantrums and since she has become a teen, it is worse. One of my panic triggers is fear of conflict. I feel as if I'm living with an abuser and I never know what is going to set her off. I walk around the house on eggshells trying to keep the peace. Yesterday she had a bad tantrum and my anxiety attack felt like it was going to kill me. I almost wish it did.
I had a cancer scare two years ago and my husband had cancer 7 years ago and some pre-cancer found on his tongue a year ago. I'm going for a yearly mammogram in October (where they did a biopsy two years ago which started this health anxiety) and I'm terrified. I know as the time gets nearer, the anxiety will become almost I tolerable. I used to love Halloween but my anxiety has robbed me of this. My husband gets periodic check ups to check for recurrence and the anxiety waiting for the results is almost unbearable. The MDs say he is not at a high risk to reoccur but those fact don't mean anything to me.
There are many mornings where the alarm goes off and I honestly don't think I can force myself to live through another day of bone crushing anxiety. I'm on Paxil and have seen a therapist on and off for about 8 years. Nothing really helps and I guess I'm really depressed that nothing ever will. My life and enjoyment of my life has been taken away from me because of this anxiety. Sometimes I tell myself that IF they do find cancer in the mammogram, at least I could get relief from the anxiety.
I apologize for the disjointed post. Plus, I'm on my phone. I feel so alone and so scared and so very very very tired of waiting for the next traumatic event that triggers suffocating anxiety. I really feel like giving up. I live in a constant state of fear. The core of my fear is abandonment which I believe arguments/conflicts will cause people to leave and cancer will cause me to die and be alone. I know this doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to me either.