In just a few days I'll be 21. This is probably going to be my saddest birthday so far.
Last summer was very bad for me. I have never been this anxious and my health is not good either. It's been three months of hell. I am finally deciding on getting some help (CBT to be precise). But college is starting, and even though I took up so little classes, I am still getting more anxious because of it, also the knowledge I'll have to finish it some day. It's not like I'm taking these classes now and it's forever over. Some day, sooner or later, I'll have to face it and finish college and then get a job and so on, and honestly, I just feel frozen in time. I also just wish everything would stop. I spent all my life working so hard in school and now in college, just to be the best I can and it's taking it's toll on me. I am crumbling apart.
And I feel so f*cking guilty, inexplicably guilty - I look at people my age, working, some of my friends working 3 summer jobs at a time, others at least going out, and traveling, and enjoying life and their youth. Basically just living while they're young. While I'm sitting at home, trapped in my agoraphobia, doing nothing all day long, frozen, unable to move, unwilling to move. Feeling like giving up. Feeling restless. Dizzy, weak and sad all the time. Some of my weakness and other symptoms are actually caused by my health issues (my adrenals are basically burnt out from all the stress I've been living under - they cannot handle it anymore) and I am supposed to be healing, no stress and taking it easy, but I'm stressed out 24/7 because I can't stop worrying and hating myself for being like this, for not being "normal", regular part of society, making my parents proud, being happy with everything I have in life. I feel so guilty, ungrateful and like a brat - so many people have it way worse, and handle it. Why can't I? What is it about me that makes me weaker than them? How can it be?
Rant over.