New and desperate for help!.

[Richy626]

Hey, so here's the story, 2 years ago I had a panic attack, thought I was going to die, it started the night before I was feeling funny, and then the next day I had one on way to my job, felt like I was being sucked into an invisible void, very light headed heart went absolutely crazy, called an ambulance.

I got a heart monitor put on me for 48 hours but came back as normal, I never felt right since, lack of energy, more susceptible to becoming unwell, health anxiety as I now know it kicked in, constantly afraid about every little thing wrong with me physically, Google became an addiction/habit.

I always had a feeling of tight band around my head and neck tension that I just couldn't get rid of, heart palpitations, at first I felt very very dizzy every day but never had another panic attack, nobody told me what it could be or was.

I did a counselling course for a year, and realised it must be anxiety through that, I had become addicted to something I won't mention that was very morally wrong during this time as a coping mechanism, I stopped doing it.

After a few weeks I had a second panic attack while at Thorpe Park out of nowhere while looking up at Stealth waiting for a friend to ride it, that was it after that continuous panic attacks, I didn't avoid going out or to work, it became about looking up at things, eventually even looking at pictures of people with the sky in background set me off, I was afraid I'd become scared of even looking at the sky and I'd gone mad.

I'd read to avoid things are the wrong idea, so I kept purposely looking up at things to make my mind realise there is nothing to be afraid of, it didn't help.

Eventually I got put on 10mg of Citalopram, at first after a week of hell it felt good, But eventually I felt odd a bit still and couldn't understand why, I knew it was something internal, I began to try and figure things out I thought it must be about my thoughts racing, so I tried to stop thinking at all, keep my head clear, it helped a bit, but eventually this has back fired.

I went through an irrational period where I was scared I was stuck in a dream as I felt that way on the Citalopram, eventually it became about everything's not real, or people weren't real, never been through it before, somehow I was still working full time through this.

Medication changed to Mirtazapine 15mg as I was hardly sleeping after weeks on Citalopram.

Then I had 2 weeks off as holiday, things went south, I became frightened as it looked like things were moving faster then they were, and I had some terrifying dreams, by now I'd become afraid of my own mind, my thoughts and imagination, following the same pattern as before afraid of more and more things, only this time about my mind.

I'd read on a forum before a guy said he got afraid of how are thoughts formed weeks before and I started to worry I'd do it when I remembered it and I did, that destroyed me.

The physical symptoms became very severe, biting sensations round head and hands and feet, feelings of something banging my brain, hot flashes, mouth twitching, constant motion changing in how fast things moved, feelings of spider web around head.

I'm now with the crisis team after going up A&E and I'm off work, it's got to a point where anything I think, imagine, remember, repetative thoughts, songs playing in my mind, even do, set off what they call psychosomatic reactions, I can even imagine something invisible covering everything and it sets it off, feel the switch flick and then it just builds up and up and up all day, I can literally set it off at will which seems weird!

Currently on Fluxetine, physical sensations now include constant head pressure, and digging in sensations in head, involuntarily jerks of body, muscle twitches, irritated bowel, heart palpitations, pressure on temples of head feeling, head trembles, ears ringing and sometimes a very low pitched humming noises, sometimes as I'm about to fall asleep there's like a snapping sensation in my head whole body jolts.

Clearly I've followed the same pattern I did before except about my mind instead of what it used to be about, the sky etc, but now I'm literally afraid of everything, this fear reaction keeps happening constantly, I know I shouldn't be scared of any of these things, I tell myself it's just a thought or you're in reality you know you are, and yet I react in fear!! Just like before I couldn't understand why I was reacting in fear to. Looking up at things when I knew there was no reason to be afraid if it!

It's driving me mad what in Earth's name am I actually afraid of and why is it when I tell myself there is nothing to be scared of which I know is true I react in more fear physically?!

Thanks in advance to anybody that can help me with this!

[Devin76oh]

Hello,

Living with these things is a hard thing to do. But just know that you can do it.

The ONE thing that has helped me through this entire thing has been my relationship with God and Jesus. To live in fear is no way to live at all and having a personal relationship with God and Jesus will get you through anything.

I still get scared at points in the day but what I do is say "I trust you Jesus" "All is well" You need to believe that everything is OK and that nothing is happening to you.

Being mindful is key as well. Shifting your focus to stop thinking about things that may scare you. Right now you are wired to think that everything scares you. But you need to re-train yourself and your brain that you are not scared. Start living comfortable with being uncomfortable. It is just reactions that you will get over. I bet when you're reading this you are not feeling fear and you are just reading not paying attention to other things. Thats what you need to do more of. You will eventually stop thinking of those things that get you scared. It takes time and it takes patience but I know you can do it.s

[Devin76oh]

One other thing I failed to mention. You need to live for the day. You can't be concerend about the future. That is the problem with anxiety, you get fixated on the "possibility" of something bad happening or something scaring you. The truth is you have no idea. So why worry about something that may or may not scare you?

God says we are frail creatures and we can only handle or even comprehend 24 hours/ 1 day at a time. You can't think any more than that. It is just too much. Be happy for the day and let the days come to you.

Think about positive what if's. For every negative there is out there, there is a positive. Every time you think of negative you need to think of a positive and choose that the positive will happen.

You will always have anxiety in your life. Knowing this you need to control it and prove to yourself that you WILL be OK.

God is great. God is good. He wants to see you smile and you will if and when you trust him. =)

God Bless

devin

[Richy626]

I'm a Christian so I can't believe that I've got a response from one! Thanks so much my issue is even when I tried to use scripture to encourage me I convinced myself I was going to keep thinking blasphemic thoughts, the truth is I know I'm doing it, somehow I'm able to do this to myself get into this mentality that everything can set it off, the second panic attack came only 15 weeks or so ago and I've been a mess since then, how am I able to overcome this when even after I think a positive thought the physical reactions happen? The thing that upsets me most is there is no reason for me to be afraid there's nothing actually wrong with me, so why do I keep doing this to myself? How have I even been able to become scared of such things, why is it when I encourage myself it seems to set it off more?

[Devin76oh in reply to Richy626]

These are all good questions. But I think what you need to understand is that there is a difference from believing and having a relationship with Jesus and God. I've always believed in God and Jesus. Was I close to Him... No. Did I ever talk to him and ask him for other things other then for myself? No. I always prayed for things to get better but never thanked Him for things that happened in my life that were good. I really wasn't because I would still do the same things I was doing before. Thats where the change needs to be. God is going to forgive you for EVERYTHING as long as you believe in him and TRUST Him.

Anchor yourself to hope. Without hope there is nothing to live for. Think of it this way. You've battled this before and survived. You know there can be good days, days where you feel "normal" Just remember you can have those days again and hope that those will happen again.

There are nights where I need to sleep with my Bible. And that is OK because there will be GREAT days and not so great days. But I remember that there are days like that again.

Live day to day and you will see. Things will get better and you will notice things changing. God wants you to live a happy life. Surround yourself with good things. If that means separating yourself from bad friends, bad family, bad environments then do it.

[Richy626]

It's difficult for me to find the faith I need in God right now, not because of God's shortcomings but my own, I just want to get on with my life I feel so angry with myself that I'm this afraid of fear and my own thoughts and imagination, right now in particular its remembering things that sets it off,like oh how did I think about that did I. Imagine it or what?! How did I imagine it I didn't notice I had blah blah, things that used to come naturally to me for years I'm now afraid of when they are perfectly natural and can't hurt me!