Every day is a struggle.

[DerekAZduder]

Hi, I am new here... I suffer from severe anxiety... i was put on disability for it. I feel incredibly guilty but I can barely take care of myself. Does anyone have similar things going on? I want it to end. I need it to end. I am so tired of being scared.

[Dylon19]

Let your mind vent im here to lisen everyone here stands behind eachother

[DerekAZduder in reply to Dylon19]

I am scared to vent... i dont feel right... i feel so tired. I am more afraid of myself than i ever have been. everything is telling me to end it. but i cant. im not able to. i want to die. i think of all the possible ways daily. different scenarios. i wonder if it would matter. my morals keep me in check because i dont want to hurt anyone... im not living. im barely existing. and existence is pain. i want to be happy. i want to not feel this. i want to not collapse in public. i want people to stop calling 911. i want to be able to talk. i want to be heard. i want to stop thinking about killing myself...

i want a friend... i want someone to love me... i want to be cherished.. i want to know...

it will be okay...

[kama24]

OH MY GOSH...your sentence..."I am so tired of being scared." That is exactly what I say almost daily lately. You are not alone believe me. I've had panic disorder and GAD for over 40 yrs. Without a long story.....yes after being referred to a physciatrist I did have numerous years of "good" with the help of one medication. However after 18 yrs on it I was taken off last Nov 2015. It has been nothing but nausea, panic, fear, feeling hopeless, alone, scared ever since (even though I am on another medication). Nothing has "cut it". I take one day at a time an if there are good hours I bask in them....I so know how you feel....please hang in there.

[DerekAZduder in reply to kama24]

i try to enjoy the good hours. i like being around friends. laughing. telling jokes. discussing music. the dark times just out weigh everything...

[Karen3691 in reply to DerekAZduder]

Can you not get help from a psychologist? The NHS should be able to refer you to one. You are way too depressed and you should be living a happy life... I feel you are young

[DerekAZduder in reply to Karen3691]

i have been seeing drs for mental health since i was 12. i am 28. I just started with a new agency called "crisis preparation and recovery" i am hopeful towards working with them. southwest behavioral was garbage and villa de sol was not much better.

[Karen3691 in reply to DerekAZduder]

Could you try joining a sporting activity? Exercise. Is wonderful medication sometimes

[DerekAZduder in reply to Karen3691]

I play guitar in a band and have to move around quite a lot between lifting gear and performing. i tried exercising but the fear of collapsing in the gym outweighed my drive to go. I honestly have been thinking about going again.

[kama24]

when it's good it's good.....when not it is a battle. I just want to NOT feel panic/anxiety on a daily basis.....I feel "safer or braver" if I have someone with me

[DerekAZduder in reply to kama24]

I very much feel much better or safer when i am with someone. being alone is terrifying.

[evony123 in reply to DerekAZduder]

i get the being alone bit, i really do. i got other health probs, kids (in their twenyts) come for dinner onna tueday and onn couch after dinner, big meal i get ahug/backrub, turned into a joke when i bring pillow out lol

[evony123 in reply to DerekAZduder]

ps thought about the suicide thing too, only thing stopped me and should you is think about how guilty everyone will feel they didnt help/see the sighns etc

[DerekAZduder in reply to evony123]

people know all about me. I try to be open about it. its gotten to the point they dont like me posting about attacks on facebook. they say to just hit up friends directly. it just gets hard to single out people and hit them up. so i just have tried to not tell people about it. because its not "chill"

[kama24]

it is especially difficult over night if alone.....the mind starts to "what if".....unfortunately not all of us have family or friends available when we need them. We just try to go with the flow, however frightening it may be.

[DerekAZduder in reply to kama24]

i just try to sleep if it gets out of hand. if i am laying there shaking or convulsing and my mind wont leave me be I try to just close my eyes and fall asleep.

[Karen3691 in reply to DerekAZduder]

Just a thought..... Google Jason Stevenson. He has YouTube meditational recordings.... They are wonderful for sleeping ..... He may have some for depression too.... Please look

[kama24]

You are lucky if you can fall asleep, especially if having a full blown panic attack. I hope things improve for you.

[DerekAZduder in reply to kama24]

its not during.. its generally after. but i just sleep and sleep, because i am afraid of being awake.

[kama24 in reply to DerekAZduder]

I hope things improve for you

[DerekAZduder in reply to kama24]

thank you

[Maxpower22]

Get yourself on a good diet no gulten and drink plenty of fresh water and excercise daily about 30mins And most of all think positive it will be hard and take time but you will get better trust me.

[LadyCourtessa]

Im so tired of being scared. thats what i feel everyday... and you are not alone. we are all here to help you... even till now im struggling to just get out from my room and get a life...

[DerekAZduder in reply to LadyCourtessa]

its nice to know I am not alone. i feel for everyone here. i just want to be okay again. i want to be able to stand somewhere and not panic.

[LadyCourtessa in reply to DerekAZduder]

its okay it will take time and once u embrace ur anxiety and panic attack u will become familiar with it and u will know how to handle it. as what few wise person told me just go with the flow. dont fight it. the more u fight the more worse it'll become. u will be okay once u know how to handle ur panic attack. and definitely u r not alone...

[evony123]

ya jus need help bud, even sharing here is good, folks in same position so dont think its just you, YOUR NOT ALONE.

[DerekAZduder in reply to evony123]

thank you.

[Beevee]

You won't get better until you stop trying to get better. Instead of fighting the scary thoughts and feelings, let your mind and body do what it wants to do and don't fight it. It I'd the constant fighting that keeps you in the anxiety cycle I.e. You fear the feelings of fear. Just let it go and carry on living your life. Take the anxiety with you. It can't harm you. Your nerves are sensitised which is why your mind and body are over reacting to situations that wouldn't mean anything to non-suffers. My advice is to buy a book called Esential Help For Your Nerves by the late Dr Claire Weekes. That explains everything about anxiety and armed with the knowledge and understanding , you are on the road to recovery. I also would recommend a website called Anxiety No a More set up by an ex-sufferer called Paul David. No gimmicks and all free of charge, except the books he has published. There is also a very good forum with lots of advice from ex-suffers. Recovery is not easy but it is entirely possible. I've done it and so can you. Anxiety is just a bluff. You just have to stop battling all the symptoms and give it theroom to do what it wants to do. It will take it anyway! Just observe it all and don't get involved. Not easy at first but over time, you will get better. By allowing it all, it will give your mind and body the chance to recover, as nature intends. Don't go searching for recovery. Let recovery come to you. Best wishes.

[DerekAZduder in reply to Beevee]

this makes sense but, and I hate saying but because it sounds like i am going to undermine what you say. i get incredibly suicidal during an attack. like i shake and convulse because i want to kill myself. i want to not exist because i cant handle whats going on. so... to as you say. let my body do what it wants. i would be dead by tomorrow. so while i see your advice and appreciate it. idk if it works for my case. thank you very much for your input. i am sorry i am so troubled..

[Beevee in reply to DerekAZduder]

Derek. I had thoughts about suicide too which scared me shitless. I thought what if I go through with it. It is anxiety doing this, nothing else. It's bluffing you. Let your mind think what it wants to think . Just observe the thoughts . They are only thoughts., nothing more. You have anxious thoughts because you have anxiety. Those thoughts melt away when you stop dwelling upon them and trying to figure it all out. Anxiety latches on to things that trouble you the most. It's a tricky customer. Mine started off with health anxiety but when that no longer bothered me, it switched to relationship anxiety, job anxiety and more besides. I couldn't even look at my wife because of the feelings I was experiencing. I just gave up the fight and let the anxiety symptoms be there and did nothing about them. they gradually disappeared and the real me surfaced from beneath the symptoms. All those thoughts and feelings I had were one big bluff. Give it time and you will see this too. Best wishes

[Beevee]

Derek. If you give up the struggle, you will be set free. Let go of all the symptoms. Allow all the feelings and intrusive/scary thoughts to come but just observe them. Don't be fooled by them. It is just the anxiety playing tricks on your tiredmind and body which needs a rest. To rest and recover you have to give up the fight. Fighting, trying to figure it all out just keeps feeding the anxiety. Do nothing about it. Don't go searching for recovery. Let recovery come to you. Read Essential Help For a Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes and look up Anxiety No More website. This is all you need to recover. Understanding of the condition and time brings about recovery.

[izzy01]

Hi derek, I just want to tell you to not give up on life it's a gift even though we go thru all these bad things there's people going thru worse things. Don't give up on trying to get help, we are all here for you were do u live? And I don't know if you believe in God but he is real and don't be afraid to pray to him every time you feel bad just express everything you feel to him ask him to heal you and help you. That's what's kept me going. It sucks I know and it's hard but u are not the only one. And death is not the answer have u ever thought about what's after death if that's going to be worse? Stay strong you can talk to any one here, look for a church look for God he's the real healer.

[DerekAZduder in reply to izzy01]

im a christian who is losing faith. its hard. i know others are going through worse and that doesnt comfort me. it just makes me hate the world all that much more. and just feel so... angry. the scientist in me says there's no way any of our religious views are right. the faithful says. i know there is a god. and ive been told he is jesus. but i dont get along or connect to christian people. too hateful. jesus said love everyone. i dont think gays are bad, i dont think abortion is bad. and westboro baptist is a fucking joke. see my conflict. idk... i dont know much of anything anymore. im afraid if i lose my faith i will kill myself because there will be no consequence. and i am tired of living.

[izzy01 in reply to DerekAZduder]

I understand what u mean but not all scientists are right, God is the all mighty scientists he created u with love and he loves u. And Christian people are not hate full they just obey the bible and we either fallow or not. Just don't go by what people in church tell u read the bible and u will know the truth. God gave us life and only he can take it from us. Try to get mental help I wouldn't belive in that but it's helped me. Just don't give up don't lose faith like u said it's what's keeping u alive, and that's what keeps me going as well why because jesus us real.

[DerekAZduder]

things have improved. i was living in phx in a kind of toxic place. i moved back to my hometown and have been living with my best friend since november of 2016.

we have had our fights and moments of trying to understand each other better. but i love him the guy is my brother. but honestly I have had the worst attacks of my life arguing with him and it still comes up sometimes but i have learned to make it stop. the argument i mean. and that in turn stops the anxiety.

since october last year I joined a new band, they treat me so much better than the old band. I signed a record contract with them in december. in january i went on my first tour. it was so fucking scary but also really fun. I had a few attacks out on the road but i survived and that should me I CAN DO THIS. I can live my dream. we went out on tour again in march. it was a lot less stressful and i feel like i handled it ever better than the last one. yes there was still problems and i handled things the best I could but i am only human.

so its 2017 I have a dog, gf, a band, and a new perspective. I still have numerous musical projects that when i feel emotion I write for. I do not want to self promote on this site because i do not feel that it is necessary but if you are interested I can link you to any project you might want to hear.

the newest project is probably the hardest most complicated thing i have ever tried to do. its a mixed media concept album. and the music is like a play. each character will be voiced as such. its a lot of work but i know I can do it. I have 6 songs done already and it feels good.

honestly getting out of phx was the best choice for me.

if I can improve this much I know you all can too.

stay the course. never give up. never surrender,

-Derek

[Agora1 in reply to DerekAZduder]

That's great Derek, glad to hear you are moving forward in a more positive way. Are you on YouTube by any chance? Always interested in how people move away from their anxiety by throwing themselves into a project or passion. Good Luck

[DerekAZduder in reply to Agora1]

just me or the band i am signed to? we are on spotify itunes if you google us all the info comes up immediately. but if you just want my youtube sure.

i have had youtube about as long as its been around lol.

youtube.com/user/dwreck

[Agora1 in reply to DerekAZduder]

Thanks Derek...I will take a listen.

[DerekAZduder in reply to Agora1]

my youtube is just me playing guitar and sometimes recording stuff that is songish?

my bands name is:

The Beast of Bailey Downs

[Agora1 in reply to DerekAZduder]

Whoa....I was blown away by your talent. You're amazing.

I was mesmerized by your fingers flying. Truly unbelievable.

[DerekAZduder in reply to Agora1]

thank you. i have worked very hard at it. been playing since I was 12. a little after my parents split i got my guitar and it became my voice when i had none.

guitar is my everything. seriously. I have turned down things and events and parties because i wanted to stay at home and play.

in highschool I had NO SOCIAL LIFE. but to me it was worth it.

[Agora1 in reply to DerekAZduder]

Keep doing what you are doing it works and it shows how we all find something that we can get lost in. I'm glad you turned to something so worthwhile and that you are so passionate with.

It shows. Thank you for sharing. We're always here to support you with anxiety. Make it a great day!

[Raiycut]

Hi, i know the feeling. I feel zapped of energy everyday and am scared to do anything that will aggravate my "symptoms". I have been unable to work at times, been called lazy... Man! If only people knew. I hope you start to feel better. Positive upbeat and keep walking forward !