As some people here who've been reading my posts already know, I suffer from several anxiety issues including agoraphobia, and I've been feeling disastrous lately. But for the past few days I tried keeping myself busy, and you know what? I think I'm on to something here.
Two days ago my mother took me shopping to three different shopping malls. Today I went to a doctor's appointment (a neck x-ray), then to another mall and then to a grocery store. All of the mentioned above are usually HORROR to me - so many people, noises, everything all at once while I'm just trying to pick some carrots or new shoes.
Doesn't matter - I took a benzo just in case, each of these days, and I left the house. Oh the thoughts in my head - I'm going to die, I'm certainly dying, I am about to faint, these people are CERTAINLY judging me and thinking I'm crazy/weird/ugly/??? and so on and on. I solved these thoughts very easily - with deep belly breathing and one simple phrase: you are okay. Whenever I felt a panic attack coming on, I'd remember about my breathing (which should always be deep by the way) and focusing on that. Sometimes, the thoughts become too much, so I turn to my next weapon: I tell myself - you are okay. For some miraculous reason, that helps. I don't know why, but it does. I feel like a good friend told me I was okay and I believe them. But truly, the phrase is 100% right - we ARE okay. No matter what happens - we ARE okay! It doesn't matter if I feel faint, it's just the anxiety, and even if I do faint, no big deal, people faint, other people help, nothing extraordinary and it's not the end of the world!
For so long my mind has been playing tricks on me and telling me everything is such a big deal when it in fact - just isn't. Going to the grocery store might be scary, but in the end, it's perfectly harmless - the nice lady at the store will tell you where the potatoes are, the nice lady at the cash register will ask you politely if you'd like a bag and you'll walk off home with your groceries. It doesn't matter what your mind is screaming at you, about the store or about anything in life - just remember it is always wrong.
At first my panic attacks did come, they always do and they were scary, but as time progresses, and you keep on keeping on, and you let yourself calm down, and breathe and realize this situation is so incredibly normal, and that those people you thought were judging you are actually staring at the pot with the plant in it or at their cellphone, and you are in fact feeling alright again you feel so proud of yourself, you truly do. And then you want more - it's like a drug. You feel tired, but let's use this positive energy - let's do the next scary thing. And the panic attacks become less severe, and less, and soon you are able to chase them off with just one little thought.
I have a long way ahead of me, and so do many people on here, but to start, oh to start - it feels amazing. I am sitting in my bedroom, I am worn off and I am smiling like an idiot because I feel happy and I feel blessed.
My worst days were the ones spent in my house all day and night, worrying and letting my mind consume me. And all of this that came with it, all this negativity, simply dispersed by two days of perseverance and bravery. Yes - we are all incredibly brave, to keep on living and breathing and surviving with each passing day.
So tell yourself today that you are okay - it might be such a little, little phrase, but sometimes it only takes a little, just to make us a little braver, a little more confident, and it's just enough to make it through the day.
Stay blessed everyone and keep on keeping on x