So yesterday was the dreaded wedding I have been scared of for two weeks straight. A lot of sleepless nights, crying, family arguments. But I did it! I have made it out alive and lived to tell the tale.
I don't know if I could have done it without the benzo I took before I went out, but it doesn't matter, if it helps take it. It also prevented me from drinking so I stayed sober all night. Some of my fears were realistic - I dreaded the heat, I dreaded my fatigue acting up, I dreaded having to wait for dinner since I get hungry easily (my blood pressure and sugar levels both just drop if I don't eat often). I had a bottle of water with me, a snack in my purse just in case and my hand fan and everyone I told this about complimented me about "coming prepared for the situation" and they were actually all jealous they haven't remembered to do any of that, especially because everyone was so thirsty! I sat in the back of the church, cooled myself with my fan and sipped on water occasionally. Of course the panic attacks came - but they were so insignificant and soon stopped coming in waves. They came to me a few times during the night but they faded away very soon. I spent a night of eating, talking to people and dancing - I mostly kept to myself, I couldn't dance for longer than 10 minutes at a time and that was okay, I'd just go sit down by myself, eat or drink something and relax.
My biggest point here is - this event was not about me, it was about the bride and the groom. They were both so beautiful, they were so fit because they spent an entire summer eating well and exercising for their wedding, and they were just so happy. My eyes got teary a couple of times. I just watched them and I thought to myself how beautiful love is and how happy they must be on that day. I just wanted to celebrate that and that's what I put my focus on.
I did get dizzy at times, and I was tired beyond imagination, but I lasted until 3 am (yes, three in the morning!) and when I came up to my mom to ask if maybe we were all leaving soon, as soon as I sat down she just stroked my back and the first thing she said was: "you did it, you lasted the whole night, I am so proud of you" and I felt a huge stone just lifted off my chest.
Keep on keeping on everyone, I am still alive and if I made it through this, we can all make it through everything x