After 5 months without posting anything here I just hold back anymore. I've been visiting the site from time to time (practically all day every day recently) which has definitely helped me through A LOT of rough spots, but these past few weeks in particular have been so horrific that I have to let it all out. Anyone who can relate to any of this tell me what's going on PLEASE respond asap before I actually explode! Prepare for a bit of a novel... apologies in advance ;L
A couple of weeks after my last post regarding my issues with standing up, everything just dissapeared! Literally like it was overnight, I went to sleep feeling the usual crap and woke up I'd say 97% back to "normal". Ecstatic is a massive understatement. I though that was it, I'd beat it and I could resume my otherwise excellent life with no further issues! After being stuck in bed for 3 weeks feeling weak and drained and barely avle to walk, I was out on 5 - 10 mile treks, socialising with friends at the pub and playing gigs with College with virtually no issues whatsoever besides the occasional 4 or 5 second return of the "walking on boat" feeling and the usual slightly weird heart stuff which the doctor had assured me was fine.
One day however, towards the end of May, I awoke after a perfectly good night's sleep and a nice chilled out day, and that all-over tingly/ buzzing/ lightheaded feeling was back... I stood up and what d'you know, so was the boat feeling! Tried to ignore it as it was too intense but as I went to walk downstairs BOOM, the "omg I'm literally about to pass out" feeling struck once again. Brilliant...
I've already rambled on enough so to cut a very long story short, since that day it's pretty much got progrsssively worse and worse. Everthing I try and do lands me feeling more ill in the long run. I managed to go out a few times, play a couple of shows and walk small distances here and there (although, not AT ALL for the past month and a half...) but every single time I'd do something like that, even when it wasn't remotely physically or mentally demanding, I ended up feeling worse.
It's got to the point now were for the past nearly two months, I've resulted to drinkng a rather considerable amount of alcohol to be able to do anything remotely demanding and ESPECIALLY if it involves any amount of standing up as this is still the biggest issue for me. Drinking certainly seems to eliminate most of my symptoms and allows me to stand and do pretty mucb everything without my usual 24/7 feeling of the verge of losing consiousness and all the other unbearable stuff. My heart seems to race (I took my pulse multiple times while only tipsy at a family barbecue on Wednesday and it was around 130bpm everytime) which leads me to believe that that is what's causing me to feel better, as when I'm sober my heart rate is between 55 and 70 (relatively normal, although it does occasionally go higher when I'm actually mentally nervous about something specific or if I climb the stairs etc.) and that's when I feel awful! A lot of the time I get this horrible feeling that my heart is going to stop 'cause it feels so slow, which kind of contradicts the whole racing heart anxiety thing! AARRGH.
My symptoms today have been like literally, NON STOP, seriously. Not single moment of clarity, which I normally get treated to on an average day even if I haven't had a drink etc. They are as follows, and all EXTREMELY intense: Constant buzzing/ tingling/ tickly/ weird sensation inside most of my body and on my scalp/ forehead and jaw, pretty much non stop lightheadedness/ feeling that I'm about to pass out which is REALLY intense, fatigue, I literally can't stop twitching my muscles in my... ur... "Rear end" and stomach, even though I'm fully aware that I'm doing it, it just feels horrible if I stop... Feeling of heaviness in my chest that's pretty much been there all day, but changes in intensity randomly, shortness of breath that again changes but is always there, my heart has sat at around 60 all day, and even during REALLY intense periods of symptoms, has barely gone up at all, and most of the time hasn't changed. This is reallt worrying me as I'm pretty damn sure that's supposed to be the 'cause of like 90% of "anxiety" symptoms... Like I said earlier, it really keeps feeling even slower and like it going to stop, which normally results in a massive like jolt through my body and very sudden what feels like near loss of consciousness which is just horrible (and still doesn't speed my heart up at all)... Everytime I move, all the symptoms seem to get worse, very quickly. The weird tingling massively intensifies, I feel very lightheaded, parts of my body feel numb and the shortness of breath gets considerably worse, which has made travelling the 20 ft journey to the toilet occasionally an absolute night mare, and even typing this post on my phone seems to be making my feel worse! I found it very hard to concentrate on any Youtube videos or ganes I've tried to play across the 16 hours that I've bow been awake for prety much just in bed today, as that has also seemed to make things almost instantly worse, as opposed to distracting my from it.
There's a few other things here and there but that's that main bulk. Apologies again to anyone who's actually still reading up to this point for stealing about 4 hours of your life, but I needed to get this all out and I NEED some help! Today has been the wort day so far, since this all started back on CHRISTMAS F***ING DAY. I've had days similar, where I haven't been able to leave my bed at ALL, but none as intense and constant as today has been. If anyone can relate to this, give me some advice or even tell me if you think this maybe something more sinister and possibly give me some pointers as to what to do, I'd be eternally grateful from the bottom of my thing in my chest that seems to plague my existance with it's weirdness ;L And a massive thankyou to anyone who took the time to read this, hopefully hearing my problems has brought you some relief too! xx