Hate myself

[superstarkirblondie]

I just read a post here written by someone else about a moment in their life where everything seems to be going wrong with herself and I kind of feel the same which is why I signed up. I just really needed to talk to someone but I'm just so ashamed of how I am that I don't feel I can talk to anyone I know. 

I have suffered from minor anxiety since I was in high school. Mainly bug exams and important things like that set it off and I used to feel dizzy and tingly but I never really despaired until my final year. Even then it was just one crazy incident where I was crying and acted a little weird and then after I talked to my family everything was okay and I got over it quite quickly. 

Then when I was in my final year of university I had a full blown panic and I ended up staying in bed for days, barely eating or drinking anything. Even thought my university was amazingly understanding about everything I still had so many days during my final year where I would feel depressed and useless. So much so that I ended up having to postpone my final year and do it the next year instead. I felt so disappointed in myself because all my cousins and siblings and family seemed to not really understand what was wrong with me. Don't get me wrong; they were supportive and wonderful but I felt like they looked at me a little different since they found out. I still managed to get over that because a friend of mine in the same course and year had postponed her final year a little earlier than me and it was so comforting to talk to her. After I finished my final year I seemed to be okay and life was going well for almost a year. 

Then today happened. I've found it really difficult to find a job and for almost 6 months I was unemployed but then I got a position at a really great place with nice people and it's excellent for my CV, but it's not the job I want. I keep telling myself that everyone has to start somewhere and having a job looks better in the future to get the job I want but I have started to feel in the past week or so that I absolutely dread going into work and working there. Some days I've felt my nerves are stretched and I am so tense that I can't breath and I have to go walk around to calm down. Tonight (Sunday) I just started broken down and balling my eyes out because I simply don't want to go into work. I am so pathetic! I try reasoning with myself like it's only 10 more weeks till summer break or I can hold out till I get a position somewhere else or till I get replies from postgrad courses because then I at least am set up for the future and I'll have something to tell my parents but I feel like I'm going crazy and I just can't cope anymore. Please someone help me!

[amandab1972]

 Hi there, i honestly understand how you are feeling, I also truly think that you are doing amazing! You are definitely not pathetic in any way at all! I believe you are putting too much pressure on yourself and pushing yourself too hard. Just look at how far you've come already? Your family sound like they adore you.  However, when we feel down and so anxious, I know that we think so negatively about ourselves and so that makes us believe that our friends and family must think the same way as we do!  It's just the way our mindset is at the moment, we truly are so worried about what others think of us and don't want to be any different to our friends. I've had a very tearful couple of days, and I constantly worry about letting people down and that I'm not good enough. That's the panic and anxiety talking!  Your mind is extremely tired and overwhelmed. I'm here if you need to talk, I promise you that I understand how you feel because I've suffered with anxiety, panic and depression on and off since I was very young. You are not on your own, there are the most wonderful and understanding people on this forum. You are doing brilliantly and just keep reminding yourself how far you have come!  I know just how hard it is too believe in yourself, it's easier said than done! So I'm sending you lots of strength and courage, and you are not alone as we are all here for you!  Take care, from Amanda

[superstarkirblondie in reply to amandab1972]

I just don't know what to do. I skipped work today because I said I was feeling ill but I can't see the situation getting any better...

[amandab1972 in reply to superstarkirblondie]

Hi, I'm just wondering how you are feeling now? I've been thinking of you today, I honestly do understand how you feel because I've felt that way many times before. You will feel better and stronger in time. Please try and be a little kinder to yourself. Always here if you want to chat.

Take care of you!

Amanda

[superstarkirblondie]

I've been off work so far and I've gone to see a psychiatrist who has prescribed me some medication which I'm hoping will help because I'm going to try going back to work tomorrow... I'm dreading it really but I just can't give up like this.