Mrs

Hello everyone. Thank you for making me feel so welcome here. I am a 63 year old ( who cannot believe I am 63) I still shop at Next etc etc lol. I have Crohns. I had surgery in 2010. I am married and lost my only son in 2009 aged 37. I have always been an anxious person but like most people. I want to laugh and make others laugh and help when and however I can. Laughter is good for us but is easier said than done. So much heartache and pain sometimes and yet.... we have to still try. We need to. The consequences of giving up are unspeakable. For a long time after losing my son. I felt nothing. No anxiety. No anything really. Just numb. Now,, six years later. It is back with a vengeance. I am hoping to simply talk and share my feelings with others on here. Thank you for listening. If any of you have any experiences that you would not mind sharing with me. Especially about anxiety. I would be most grateful for any help or input.

[Mia51]

welcome,its lovely to see how positive you are trying to be.Im 64 and still very young at heart,i have just started horse riding at my age.Its so sad to hear you lost your son,am i being too nosy and asking what happened.I still have a son but in another way ive lost him to schizophrenia and alcohol dependance.I have a daughter who has crohns but since she has met her husband she doesnt want to know me as much now.Im suffering badly with anxiety just now,having trouble sleeping etc.Im like you I want to laugh and be happy but I struggle with mental health all the time. Take care,lovely to talk to you.

[Hidden in reply to Mia51]

Hi Bengal. My son died from an accidental overdose of amphetamines. Straight away people assume we are bad and rough people. This is so very far from the truth. He was my only son and deeply loved and cared for all his life. It was accidental in the sense that is was a regular habit that went one step too far for too long. I asked repeatedly and saw him on a weekly basis. He also worked for my hubby (his dad) and rang me every day on his break, We were so very close and I knew there was something. How do you help when they will not let you and deny all knowledge. I have asked myself again and again if there is anything more that I could have done. His partner of 12 years told me that he sat up most of the night on the computer. playing games. He thought that I had cancer because I lost so much weight through Crohns. Such a very tragic ending. Now over to you.. I am so very sad to hear about your son also. No matter what they die from. They are and always will be our children. Somehow along the way. Events happen and there is not always any accounting for why. Your daughter will be in full time love with her hubby right now but will always love her mum. Just that some things change. I Think that you are absolutely wonderful to take up horse riding at our age. Just shows what we can do. You are by the way. The first person outside the family who I have told about my son in writing, It somehow felt disloyal. Still does to a degree. I have suffered with anxiety as far back as I can recall. We will be ok but pls get help for the lack of sleep etc. Maybe some short term help for the anxiety too. I have and am still on trial and error meds wise. Stay safe and thank you for your reply.

[Mia51 in reply to Hidden]

Dear enajyak,I was so sad to read your post,how brave of you to deal with all you have been through.Im pretty messed up mentally dealing with my son,now Ive found out he is taking far too many painkillers every day.My son also has had a very privilged upbringing so its not as if its anything to do with that.No one knows whats in front of us we just have to do our best.Iv not been so good this week at pushing myself and have been isolating myself,my husband has gone to S.Africa on holiday but the past few years I dont go because im too anxious.

[Agora1]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Losses of all kinds seems to bring on anxiety. In your case, your body protected you for six years from a mental breakdown. A parent losing a child, no matter what age, is a loss beyond comprehension. I'm glad you are on this site, so that you can express your feelings that you've held in for so long. A pill can take away an immediate pain but not long term. It needs to be dealt with and accepted. Through heartache and pain, I also am a believer in laughter. I love to see a smile that I put on someone's face even if I'm crying on the inside. I'm glad you are here. Take care.

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Dear Agora 1. Thank you so very much for your very welcoming reply to my post. You have shown great understanding along with exceptional kindness and I am very lucky to have met you on here.

Thank you so much.

[wentworth67]

Hi i lost my oldest daughter to cancer six years ago she was only twenty it took me four years after to have my breakdown .i think its the worse suffering any parent should have to go through what ever our children die ffom and what age i still cant accept that i will never see her again .sending you a loving hug paula xxxx

[Mia51 in reply to wentworth67]

Hi Paula,Just want you to know Im thinking of you and allthe pain you have been through,it will never go away but we just learn to live with tragedies.Cancer is such a terrible disease to watch someone you love go through but when its your child I cant imagine how traumatic that can be.Hope you dont mind me bringing it up.Love to you

[wentworth67]

Hi thanks for your comforting words and i certainly dont mind you bringing it up .i find it helps me to deal with my loss by talking about it .i cope with it the best i can but have days where i cant stop crying it wad horrible watching her battle it but she never moaned about any of it even with intense chemo and surgery just took it all on the chin.Thanks for listening hugs paula xxx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

Hi Paula. My heart truly goes out to you. At least I only had to watch my son die for the last few hours of his life which in itself was horrendous and I relive it often. How very tragic and heartbreaking it must be too watch them with an illness such as cancer or any other illness. I know full well that we never "get over it" the saying itself makes me cringe. I would never want to " get over the loss of someone I love. The most we can ever hope for is to live with it. Some days hurt less than others but there is always some pain each day. Some memory or song or advert or anything on telly or even in the street. People of similar age or hair colouring to those we have lost. It is enough to drive a person insane if you allow it. Stay strong sweetheart. There can be good days too. x

I am so very glad that I found this forum. There are so many lovely people who have known and still know pain. My heart goes out to you all. Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings with you.

[Mia51 in reply to wentworth67]

Paula,Icouldnt get you out of my thoughts last night.love and hugs to you too.

[wentworth67 in reply to Mia51]

Thank you for having me in your thoughts it was lovely to know that love paula xxx

[wentworth67]

Hi im sorry for your loss too i too find that saying get over it how do you get over it never yes we learn to live with it everyday but its lika a rock round our necks .I feel like that too with songs her friends but at least we were blessed to have these memories some to smile about and others to cry about .I feel alot stronger now but i have to be i have another five children and three grandchildren so they keep me going .im glad i found someone who knows that pain of losing a child i mean in a parents way .thanks for replying do stay in touch love paula xxx

[Hidden]

Yes we are blessed in many respects Paula. Keep on smiling at your memories for many years to come sweetheart. I wish you all the kindest thoughts in the world. From one mum to another xxx Jane aka mrs

[wentworth67]

Thank you Jane im feeling little bjt ssd at the moment as its coming upto her birthday on tuesday she would have been 27 xxxx

[Hidden]

It is strange sometimes. I could never understand why the date itself hit me. I was out at work one day. I felt so very sad. Then it hit me. The date and the time. It always affects me for at least a day or two. Every day of my life really but more so on that day. It is like an inbuilt feeling or instinct. I will be thinking of of you. It was such a very young age. I am not a religious person sweetheart but if there is one. May he bless you and keep you strong and safe xxx Jane

[wentworth67]

Hi jane i feel like that more so on them dates and time .she left behind 2 little girls bonnie and ruby .I feel a little blessed that i do have something left of her in them .no im not religous never have been either .when katie died my mum died the day before she too hsd cancer so in less than a day id lost my mum and my daughter it was an horrendous time i just felt numb it was like it wasnt real i didnt even know what to do at the time .thanks for listening i feel better just writng it down love paula xx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

Hi Paula. You truly have had the most horrendous time. There are very few of us who would not be knocked sideways after all that pain and sorrow. No Paula. It does not feel real. I thought about this and then convinced myself that this is the minds way of shutting down to be able to cope. Please do not thank me for listening. I am more than delighted to be able to listen if nothing more. If it evens helps you just a little to get it down onto paper then I am so very pleased. Lots of love sweetheart. Please stay safe and please try just to get through every day slowly. You must miss your mum and your daughter so very very badly. Life can and does go on. As you say, you have katies' little girls. People used to tell me that this was a blessing having my grandson. Of course it is but I wanted them all. We do.... It can however give us the strength to carry on when we are at our very lowest point. Things will get better. You will have better days but It just won't ever be the same because it can't. Enjoy the little girls Paula. Life can still be good. It just takes a very long time xxxx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

By the way Paula. I am so very sorry for the late reply but had a slight chrons set back and been on the sofa a couple of days ( serves me right for eating rubbish) so sorry to be late though. What beautiful names too. Bonnie and Ruby. How very lovely. You have your work cut out for you Paula but you can and will do it because they are your blood and they need you xxxx