Poem

Hello,

Just a bit of background information about me:

For 4 years I had chronic pelvic pain and had many investigations and operations and it all ended with a hysterectomy at the age of 26 in the summer of last year. I was feeling so happy afterwards because I wasn't in pain anymore and then slowly I started to experience lots of mental health problems: depression, anxiety, panic attacks and self-harming.

This morning I found a poem that I had written a few years ago and it made me realise that I've been suffering with mental health problems for a lot longer than just the last few months. I hope you don't mind me sharing the poem but I felt so sad reading it and thought it might help in some way.

She paints on a smile like a unhappy clown

Nobody would know she was feeling so down

Confused thoughts dash nervously through her head

The thought of another day fills her with dread

"Why me?" she cries, with a crack in her voice

Another treatment, another medication, yet another 'choice'

Every step is agony, every movement is pain

But the smile and the cheerfulness she tries to maintain

"I'll be alright!" she says, "I'll learn each day to cope"

Inside it begins to grow smaller, the tiny seed of hope

She lives in a lonely world where no one understands

But her sorrow melts a little as he softly strokes her hands

She moans, she whines, she cries rivers of tears

A brave face she puts on concealing her fears

"You look much better, you must be fine"

Look behind the smile, and you will see it's not mine.

Hope you are all doing ok today xxx

14 Replies

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  • Hello

    How well you have expressed yourself in your poem you have a talent there

    I did feel for you having an hysterectomy at 26 how young to have gone through that at such a young age even though I totally understand the relief because I had to have one but I was 39 nearly 40 at the time and I was having problems and yes it was a relief but I have to say even though I had anxiety before it did get worse after and I have had other problems since

    I think we underestimate what a big operation this is , back in the day this was called the major operation because it was seen as a big op for a women , times have moved on and they are so much more experienced and have you in and out so quickly again I think you would stop in 6 weeks after the op in the olden days yet now usually you are in and out within the week and having this removed can be a shock to the body , hormones have all changed the list goes on and for some they can really struggle after but there is support for you and I sincerely hope that you will go and see your Doctor tell them just what you have told us and how long it has been going on and it does not have to be medication if that is something you are not over keen on even though it could possibly be the first thing they offer but there is therapy to which is really good if you want it to work you can get a lot from it or some people choose to have both that is all down to the individual but you also now have somewhere you can come and talk about how you feel and know you are not alone

    Take Care x

  • Thanks for replying!

    I told my GP a while ago and I've been waiting on a waiting list for CBT. Things got a lot worse recently and so I've now got an assessment with CMHRS in a couple of weeks. I'm also on citalopram 40mg. You are right it is a big operation, sorry you had to go through it too!

    xxx

  • A beautiful heartwarming poem. It gave me chills at the end. I have also used poetry

    to express my emotional and physical pain. It's like once you start writing, feelings come out that explain who you are. Don't stop writing, it can be a release for your emotions. Wishing you better days ahead.

  • Thank you so much! xxx

  • I re-read your poem again this morning. As like the first time, tears rolled down my face. Thinking that anyone would have to live a "pretend life" in order to please others who don't understand. Sending you a "smile" of kindness, understanding and care. xx

  • Thanks 😀 I think it helped me cope as well -pretending that everything was okay. I don't think I could have continued my job otherwise (I'm a primary school teacher so have to be happy and full of energy!!) xxx

  • I saw an article about 'faking it'. I don't know if there are any studies to back it up and I honestly didn't look as the way I was feeling there was no faking anything but your reply made me think about it again.

    Basically you fake yourself happy for a whole month. You do everything positively even though you don't want to. You paint a smile on and between the endorphins (eventually) and confusing your brain it becomes normal thought process for you to be happy again and like cbt your thoughts are retrained.

    To me faking for a month is impossible and also faking it doesn't resolve whatever made us this way in the first place so would then be highly susceptible to this again so I dismissed it without another thought unroll I just read what you wrote xx

  • I've heard of that too. Look in the mirror and smile and presto

    within time you are once again happy. WRONG... You are right

    unless what made you this way is addressed or you are just sweeping it under the carpet.

  • It sounds a wonderful easy way to 'get fixed' but that's all it screamed to me too xx

  • I totally agree which I why I'm not like that anymore, I'm trying to deal with the issues head on xxx

  • Ah you have your hands full with the little ones. I applaud you for having one of the most important jobs with our future citizens.

    I hope you find a way face your complex problems with anxiety.

    You should talk this over with your doctor. Because of the hysterectomy done just last year, it may be something that can be corrected to help stabilize you again. I wish you well.

  • Thank you. I have discussed it with my doctor and I'm having cbt as well so hopefully that will help xxx

  • Great. Good Luck Have a good evening.

  • Awww wow I've found things I've written in the past too! Been dealing with this at least 25 years if not longer! We must be stronger than we think! -hugs- 😊

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