I have written posts on here and hopefully this helps me because I am at my breaking point.
In November of 2015, my chest and left arm went numb and I thought I was having a heart attack. It turns out it was nothing. However, over the last 2 months I have been to the ER 5 times, have 7 to 8 EKG's, a stress test and my doctor says that there is nothing wrong with me. I have broken down in the doctors office, cried my eyes out. I blamed in on the medicine but anymore I am not so sure.
I was up all night last night with what I assume was GERD that seems to come and go and my chest hurt and my arm hurt but I kept telling myself it was just reflux or something of that nature instead of running to the ER as I did on Thursday. The ER doctor said what I am experiencing is not normal and that if I wanted to stay over I could talk to a cardiologist in the morning. The doctor did assure my I was fine so I felt comfortable enough to leave but I did schedule an appt with a cardiologist for Thursday of this week as a precaution because in deep in my gut, my internal alarm has been switched to constantly be on alert and I don't seem to the ability to switch it back off again.
I just wanted to come home and this anxiety disorder or whatever I have has made my poor pregnant wife cry all the time as she says I am not who I used to be. And she is right I don't feel like myself or act like myself. I am just scared all the time. I am scared of having a heart attack, I am scared of not listening to the signs of having a heart attack and most obvious I am afraid to die. Now, I have accepted that as get the gift of life we also must die and my therapist have helped with this a lot but in some abstract way I think it has actually made it worse because I always feel like I am trying to cheat death. I get worked up, I have an anxiety attack or panic attack and I drive over to the ER because this must be the time that i am right and I am going to save my life because my doctors won't.
I have symptoms whether somatic or otherwise, my chest hurts, my back hurts sometimes but not terribly. I hired a personal trainer to help me start to exercise and get my endorphins going because this is what General Doctor told me to do. He said I needed to get my heart rate up and that walking (which I do a lot of) is great but I really need to get moving and I feel better. I do buy this argument and I have tried but I find myself having small panic attacks at the gym or after I work out because I am just constantly afraid something negative is going to happen to me.
This again is taking a huge toll of my poor wife and I don't know what to do. I am in therapy, I am trying to do the best that I can and I know this isn't a quick fix but I am seriously debating just walking into the hospital and saying, "commit me", I am not right. I don't feel right. I am lost. I don't know who I am anymore and life is more like one being scary dream anymore.
I have taken a few days off of work which I think has helped and it allowed me to gain a better perspective of how my wife feels and I think some good things have come out of this couple months as I have been trying to spend as much time with my daughter as possible. I think this disorder or whatever it is helped me realize what the important things in my life where and it gives me comfort but I know I am hurting them. I know this crippling fear is wearing thin the very fabric of the life that i have worked some hard to build. How can one health scare destroy 32 years of a happy life?
The physical pain is scary but I feel like I have lost myself. I have called another therapist, I have been talking to those close to me about but i can't shake it.
Is it possible for the personality you have to die? Because that is the way I feel. I feel that I am simply existing at this point and it is totally obvious to the ones that know me best. I try so desperately to keep pushing forward and do what I need to do for my family and I supremely lucky to have them. But I am taking some much right now without even trying and I know, I know for a fact HOPE is the best antidepressant but I can't just stop being afraid and destroying everything around me.
I don't respond well to medication so I know therapy is my direction but I feel like I am so far gone that I might as well just commit myself because maybe that is the only way to come back from this hell.