I have written posts on here and hopefully this helps me because I am at my breaking point.
In November of 2015, my chest and left arm went numb and I thought I was having a heart attack. It turns out it was nothing. However, over the last 2 months I have been to the ER 5 times, have 7 to 8 EKG's, a stress test and my doctor says that there is nothing wrong with me. I have broken down in the doctors office, cried my eyes out. I blamed in on the medicine but anymore I am not so sure.
I was up all night last night with what I assume was GERD that seems to come and go and my chest hurt and my arm hurt but I kept telling myself it was just reflux or something of that nature instead of running to the ER as I did on Thursday. The ER doctor said what I am experiencing is not normal and that if I wanted to stay over I could talk to a cardiologist in the morning. The doctor did assure my I was fine so I felt comfortable enough to leave but I did schedule an appt with a cardiologist for Thursday of this week as a precaution because in deep in my gut, my internal alarm has been switched to constantly be on alert and I don't seem to the ability to switch it back off again.
I just wanted to come home and this anxiety disorder or whatever I have has made my poor pregnant wife cry all the time as she says I am not who I used to be. And she is right I don't feel like myself or act like myself. I am just scared all the time. I am scared of having a heart attack, I am scared of not listening to the signs of having a heart attack and most obvious I am afraid to die. Now, I have accepted that as get the gift of life we also must die and my therapist have helped with this a lot but in some abstract way I think it has actually made it worse because I always feel like I am trying to cheat death. I get worked up, I have an anxiety attack or panic attack and I drive over to the ER because this must be the time that i am right and I am going to save my life because my doctors won't.
I have symptoms whether somatic or otherwise, my chest hurts, my back hurts sometimes but not terribly. I hired a personal trainer to help me start to exercise and get my endorphins going because this is what General Doctor told me to do. He said I needed to get my heart rate up and that walking (which I do a lot of) is great but I really need to get moving and I feel better. I do buy this argument and I have tried but I find myself having small panic attacks at the gym or after I work out because I am just constantly afraid something negative is going to happen to me.
This again is taking a huge toll of my poor wife and I don't know what to do. I am in therapy, I am trying to do the best that I can and I know this isn't a quick fix but I am seriously debating just walking into the hospital and saying, "commit me", I am not right. I don't feel right. I am lost. I don't know who I am anymore and life is more like one being scary dream anymore.
I have taken a few days off of work which I think has helped and it allowed me to gain a better perspective of how my wife feels and I think some good things have come out of this couple months as I have been trying to spend as much time with my daughter as possible. I think this disorder or whatever it is helped me realize what the important things in my life where and it gives me comfort but I know I am hurting them. I know this crippling fear is wearing thin the very fabric of the life that i have worked some hard to build. How can one health scare destroy 32 years of a happy life?
The physical pain is scary but I feel like I have lost myself. I have called another therapist, I have been talking to those close to me about but i can't shake it.
Is it possible for the personality you have to die? Because that is the way I feel. I feel that I am simply existing at this point and it is totally obvious to the ones that know me best. I try so desperately to keep pushing forward and do what I need to do for my family and I supremely lucky to have them. But I am taking some much right now without even trying and I know, I know for a fact HOPE is the best antidepressant but I can't just stop being afraid and destroying everything around me.
I don't respond well to medication so I know therapy is my direction but I feel like I am so far gone that I might as well just commit myself because maybe that is the only way to come back from this hell.
. I 100% feel your pain. I blame my symptoms on medication for gastritis. I am sick of the emergency room, doctors and medication!! I see a therapist for CBT, it helps how I respond, but the symptoms still exist. I pray and trust Jesus will deliver me from this. No one seems to understand, so I put on a fake smile and push forward. I pray the best for you.
Hello. I am sorry that you are so distressed and unhappy and unwell. I understand what you are going through as I went through similar things myself - as have most people in this group.
What you are experiencing is a deep frustration, anger, fear, and a feeling that there is no end in sight for you and your family. And yet - you yourself point out a small ray of hope still shining - your therapy. I was very happy for you when I read that you have faith in your therapy and are committed to it. I believe that this is the real way to banish your illness as you get to the root cause of it. I have said many times on here - a psychological illness requires a psychological treatment. Medication merely masks the symptoms - it does not address the real cause.
However hard it is for you, you need to fight through the desire to give up and enter a psychiatric unit. You will not find the answer there. You will be given medication to keep you calm and released some time later with your illness intact. This does not benefit you or your wife.
I would say that all of us need to become far more pro-active in our own care - we should stop passively allowing others to decide what is good for us with no questions asked. If you go into hospital with say cancer or something, the first thing that will happen after you are admitted is that there will be a care plan made for you. This is tailored to your individual needs. So why not expect the same care with this kind of illness? The care plan should be a collaboration between your primary carers and you, and should be subject to regular review to assess effectiveness.
Your life is not destroyed - you are having a period of illness that will come to an end with the correct and appropriate treatment. That is what you have to believe, however difficult that might be at times.
I know these things work - I was a therapist for 30 years and have seen the successes. It will take a lot of therapy, a lot of effort and a lot of self-belief and a lot of support my friend - but you can do it.
Karl
Thank you Karl. Through therapy I have found that I don't think I was mature enough to deal with the harshness of adulthood. I have been successful professionally at a young age but I believe my psychological short comings were always there and I just ignored them. I was under a lot of change and stress at the time I went to the hospital the first time and as I have gone through therapy I discovered I really hated myself. I was narrasisitc and entitled and through deeper reflection and my own research I believe that I may have a borderline personality disorder. The symtoms read like the diary of my personality. I wonder if the health scare didn't break my over inflated sense of self and what is left is a child. One of friends even said that to me. He said this is a great opportunity because you are a child again and you can grow but I really think this anxiety disorder is linked with this personiltiy disorder and one spell or one supreme scare was enough to let 32 years of lying, fear and delusion loose. I always am crying. I feel broken. I am 32 old man who simply wants his mom sometimes because I feel broken. Again. Therapy has been helpful as I discovered all this in the last five weeks but the fear and actual pain is still in my chest and totally freaks me out sometimes.
You are so ready for therapy now - your post was so honest and full of raw emotion. I think your explanation for what has happened recently is spot on - you have a great insight into your own situation. Another kind of person in your situation might be scared of therapy because of the possibilty that it will reveal things that will be painful to face about themselves. But you already anticipated that and have accepted responsibility for things you have done, or ignored, in the past. But, of course, it is not as simple as that. The 'trigger' has to be found and dealt with. Everything in the world operates on the basis of cause and effect. Your illness is the effect - what is the cause? For there is one to be found.
In my work life i found that goal-oriented therapy was the most effective. People need to be able to see some kind of progress in their recovery. Also, for many people it is not just anxiety - it is attached to its two best friends - ocd and sensorimotor compulsion.
As for the various aches and pains and mood swings that accompany anxiety dosorder, I found that the longer people stayed in therapy the less important and obvious these symptoms became. So there is plenty for you to look forward to in the voming weeks and months.
Karl