goingcrazy

[emma13]

I've been reading other peoples posts for a few months but this my 1st.. I'm a 44 yr old female , my partner of 4yrs has just moved in with me and sharing my life and my space with someone has made it clear that i need to deal with my problems and that the way i am and the way i live is not right. Its like i'm on the edge of the real world and not participating in it and therefore not getting much out of it. I've been ill for years and am now only just admitting that my problems are way too much for me to fix,i hate that word-everyone seems to want to fix at the moment ! Family ask me to explain why i feel the way i do,what depresses me or causes my anxiety but i can't explain something that i don't even understand.Anyway i'm finding that writing helps and i'm taking mitrazipine 30mg(started them 3wks ago so not sure if they help yet).The problem i have is that i don't get to the doctors very often because when i'm ill i can't leave my house and if i'm feeling semi ok i do what i have to not to starve and get home as quick as i can so the doctors doesn't happen unless i'm seriously physically ill.Also i find it hard to explain myself and get tongue tied,feel silly weak and pathetic and literally can't speak.I feel like i'm being judged as i had a heroin addiction for over 20yrs,i'm on a methadone reduction programme now and its going well...100% better than a few years ago. There have been several doctors that have accused me of drug seeking when i've tried to explain that i'm down and suffer with extreme anxiety,that puts me off going back. I'm in pain pretty much most of the time from being in a car accident four years ago and cant get any thing for the pain as that is me drug seeking apparently ! I just want to feel well and able to cope with day to day life.

hope this doesn't bore everyone,lol ! xxx

[Whizz4]

Hi Emma , your story was far from boring well done beating your addiction your stronger then you think that can not have been easy so fair play you lack confidence that's why you find it hard to explain to people how you feel , I feel the same at times became I'm scared people will think I'm mad or just won't understand... That's natural, I'm surprised no one has said for you to see a councillor or maybe CBT I think you'd benefit from either you have a lot to deal with , maybe mention it to your doctor !!