My entire life - i never thought I'd be here asking for help :/ but here it is, this maybe a long post - Apologies and thanks for any advice!
My entire life i have been misunderstood - or maybe i misunderstood. maybe i was overwhelmed by the world. I feel guilty and greatly ashamed for writing this and feeling and being the way i am, no person understands me and my situation - but why should they its all been a secret up until now.
I shall write this in cliffs:
-I have always suffered GAD (i now know that and previously thought this was a normal horrible experience people go through).
During A-levels I stopped talking to people i couldnt balance my life
-I secluded myself until i then felt like talking - this was depression.
-I developed ocd - Anxiety to counteract my thoughts
-I got well again, still had ocd and bouts of depression and life was just on the mend!
- I decided to go to uni - i couldn't balance my life - secluded - further ocd - got aggressive with people - the ocd ended up spilling into the environment. i now try and control it.
- The ocd was a system to stop me turning into the depressed stage or worse the GAD stage - my life was run by fear.
- my thoughts were dellusional and irrational and i consumed people into my life(which feels pretty shitty - i acted like an ass and it was still a secret) - i failled the year, retook the year - passed - still secluded.
-tried asking for help from parents as literally i have no idea what life i am experiencing anymore ( i am unstable, massively)
- my father is a narcissist and recognised it wasn't in his interest to help me, so he ignored me
- in fact due to the my deep philosophical thoughts that i shared and the physical appearance i wore (bodybuilder/marathon runner) - he continues to believe i am doing great. now if i say about this -he replies " we all got problems".
- luckily they let me stay here - i'd be homeless otherwise.
- anyway i am going back to uni and just don't understand what i am experiencing
-I am getting help from various therapists
-i developed tmj and body dismorphia and an eating disorder
-my future - i have no clue what it holds - tomorrow is a mystic - how is my ocd going to hold up.
- the uni drugs made it worse, i live with paranoia daily...
all of this shit and i am just getting lazier and my ocd is nearly an excuse to do nothing. In some form i have experienced most anxiety disorders.
what's the next step?
I appreciate any reply !!