The story so far! long post

[sonnyyy]

My entire life - i never thought I'd be here asking for help :/ but here it is, this maybe a long post - Apologies and thanks for any advice!

My entire life i have been misunderstood - or maybe i misunderstood. maybe i was overwhelmed by the world. I feel guilty and greatly ashamed for writing this and feeling and being the way i am, no person understands me and my situation - but why should they its all been a secret up until now.

I shall write this in cliffs:

-I have always suffered GAD (i now know that and previously thought this was a normal horrible experience people go through).

During A-levels I stopped talking to people i couldnt balance my life

-I secluded myself until i then felt like talking - this was depression.

-I developed ocd - Anxiety to counteract my thoughts

-I got well again, still had ocd and bouts of depression and life was just on the mend!

- I decided to go to uni - i couldn't balance my life - secluded - further ocd - got aggressive with people - the ocd ended up spilling into the environment. i now try and control it.

- The ocd was a system to stop me turning into the depressed stage or worse the GAD stage - my life was run by fear.

- my thoughts were dellusional and irrational and i consumed people into my life(which feels pretty shitty - i acted like an ass and it was still a secret) - i failled the year, retook the year - passed - still secluded.

now

-tried asking for help from parents as literally i have no idea what life i am experiencing anymore ( i am unstable, massively)

- my father is a narcissist and recognised it wasn't in his interest to help me, so he ignored me

- in fact due to the my deep philosophical thoughts that i shared and the physical appearance i wore (bodybuilder/marathon runner) - he continues to believe i am doing great. now if i say about this -he replies " we all got problems".

- luckily they let me stay here - i'd be homeless otherwise.

- anyway i am going back to uni and just don't understand what i am experiencing

-I am getting help from various therapists

-i developed tmj and body dismorphia and an eating disorder

-my future - i have no clue what it holds - tomorrow is a mystic - how is my ocd going to hold up.

- the uni drugs made it worse, i live with paranoia daily...

all of this shit and i am just getting lazier and my ocd is nearly an excuse to do nothing. In some form i have experienced most anxiety disorders.

what's the next step?

I appreciate any reply !!

[Olderal]

Hang on in there , sonny. its late but will reply tomorrow.

[Sandraann21]

Hi well done for making the first step to open up and tell people how you are really feeling, I bet you feel a lot better for sharing. You have not said if your doctors knows how your feeling ???? I think that the first thing you need to do is go and tell your GP all the above, I am a believer in medication as it has always helped me and I couldn't cope without it, I'm on sertaline antidepressants ( I'v been on antidressants for a long time and it's the only way I'm going to get through life with them ) I'm also now struggling really bad with server anixtey and I know exactly what you go through daily as so do I , I understand you more than you'll know, but I'll catch up with you tommorow but you get I touch with me anytime I know how hard it is, and you've made the first move your not on your own now !!!

[sonnyyy in reply to Sandraann21]

Many thanks for your reply! It's a bit of a relief - it feels like i am accepting it :/ I have trouble describing how i feel - because of my avoidant personality and some days i can explain myself very well, others i'll try and fail - but almost make up what i feel like. i almost either act as though nothing is wrong, so i'm not severely judged or i tell the doctor everything is wrong. i get a bit guilty do i deserve help? - "i'm not dead yet , thus nothing is wrong - thanks, sorry for wasting your time, doctor". But my doctor - told me i have grandiose delusions - i was in a crisis team. i am very miss and hit - some days when ocd was manageable i'd go to the doctors overs not.

OCD is a quick fix and can make me feel great or awful - i managed to convince mysel that by writing a list - i should feel happy. the list was a diary when i was depressed it made me express feelings and get the crap you feel on paper. but any person with anxiety gets quick thoughts, most negative, so now the response instead of the diary getting crap on paper, was just a disaster - was just a list of words. it was a large list.

weird place - i am not certain where the next step is :/

setraline made me feel rather drunk but very good.

i'm sorry for what you feel daily! it sounds difficult, what is giving you the anxiety?

thanks, sonny!

[Olderal]

Hi S. (Sonny sounds a bit patronising ). As Sandraann says you have taken the first step by sharing at which men are not good.

You have quite a list of problems there , which I take it are self diagnosed. Don't be too proud to ask for help. A GP will help and ensure that these problems are kept confidential. These things are powerful enemies and unless you have very exceptional strength you need to get medical help. University should be a wonderful time and without help you won't enjoy it much.

You should n't be feeling guilty or ashamed so forget that, you should be feeling proud that you 've now passed the first year with this list of problems. The good news is that it is very unlikely that you have all these problems. What are you aiming for the Guinness book of records for anxiety related illnesses ? These problems may be all related to an underlying depression or anxiety. Only a GP can tell you and help. He may refer you to a psychiatrist (still confidential ) or a counsellor he knows (still confidential).

You talk of going to university more as a panacea rather than a vocation . Are you sure you are doing the right course? You could presumably change if you feel this at the end of this your first year. Your parents may be unable to give you much help but the GP and maybe a psychiatrist should be a good start. One thing is for sure depression and other similar problems will erode your motivation to do university work. It will still be possible but only with great resolution. For this reason alone it is vital that you share this burden, not just on this site but with the medical staff who can help. Don't expect a miracle ,psychiatry is far from a science but after coping with this largely on your own , psychiatry or counselling will half the burden and with the courage you've already shown , will make it manageable.

One other piece of advice . As soon as you are feeling much improved (which almost certainly will need medics.) try and work hard enough so as to stay ahead in your work. This won't be easy but if it occurs again, it will be easier to overcome second time around, and you will have momentum to carry you through coursework.

See your GP at home before uni starts and then see the student GP. Make sure you cover everything with both. That way you'll get two opinions. The marathon running is great , exercise is a great help with depression, as good as a bucket of pills, but you probably need the pills for a while ,as well. Bodybuilding ? Now who's the narcissist ?

Best of luck for next year Olderal

[sonnyyy in reply to Olderal]

Olderal,

That was really arming to read many thanks for your time in this write up, and from what it seems is a very good understanding of these sorts of problems.

OCD is diagnosed, grandoise delusions was a symptom, depression was self-diagnosed, anxiety self-diagnosed. I agree there is something that is the issue but I' love to find what it is - then take my life off pause.

You have a very powerful way with words - is this help linked to your profession?

I am ashamed to say i've been to the GP explained this, not quite so full and accurately as my anxiety took over. But i am more ashamed ofthe way i treat the GP - like a place i go get meds and use them when i feel awful/uncontinuable awful - i'll go there get a desk triage and obviously i have waited thinking it'll resolve itsel when things calm (i solved the depression on my own)down - it backfires and i get that its wrong. But part of the problem is - is i enjoy it when some days i get mania - it almost feels as though life is so good what am i complaining about. at least i think its mania - i feel very very good and it makes me the way i live slightly justifiable

I dont know what exactly i want from life - job prospects. but this is just an observation - when i go to uni my ocd gets unbearable, i feel some sort of pressure that makes me want to complete ocd all the time.

I really want to live on my own is this sad!? I tried student halls and they annoy me :/ i want silence sometimes.

This, like saandras advice, is very solid this really was a good read i have started to etch myself a plan.bodybuilding , yeah haha.

many thanks, sonny