So my anxiety has relapsed unfortunately, and as i'm also at university at the same time and it's now my second year, the combination of a crappy break-up and way too much work for me to handle, (both uni work and job work) i started to crack. I also find at university i have a couple of people on my course especially who just drive me absolutely nuts and i'm too nice to tell them that but i've noticed it causes me a lot of stress to act like everything is ok around them when it's really not!
We have a uni trip in 2 weeks, a trip to New York. Baring in mind i am having panic attacks just leaving the house, taking myself on a plane to america just really doesn't seem realistic at the moment and i need your opinion on if i'm being silly or not.
I have decided not to go (although not told the uni this for definite) and these are the reasons why:
1. No one is going who i feel 100% comfortable around in terms of my anxiety - if i were to panic, which i will, no one is there that i feel safe and secure around, including lecturers.
2. Fear of planes - Too claustrophobic, people potentially being sick (i have emetophobia) or myself being sick which would be the worst thing in the world
3. We have a set itinerary. This worries me as there is probably going to be a lot of things i'm not feeling up to doing. Combined with the jet lag, if i am tired, i am guaranteed a panic attack - i'm not wanting to be in a sense, forced to go round with the uni lot to places i don't feel comfortable going , with people i don't really like!
4. New York is insanely busy - not the best place for an anxiety disorder
5. Fear of feeling ill and obviously not being able to go home. I feel sick an awful lot due to anxiety and as i have emetophobia i just can't be dealing with this in a place i will feel so uncomfortable.
6. It is pushing myself too far. I was told by my psychiatrist that if i were to ever relapse again, i should rebuild my confidence by taking small steps and facing challenges. For example, currently i am in fear of even going for a walk some days. So i push myself to do little things. This week i am going to try attend all my lectures, i'm meeting a friend for a drink wednesday and also maybe going to the cinema friday. I want to rebuild my confidence and face something like New York later down the line when i'm feeling a lot better!
(For those of you wondering when i put my name down for this trip i was feeling perfectly fine, but this was before the summer last year)
I'm still trying to be positive about things and give myself different challenges to face instead - because these things still make me nervous too! I'm hoping fellow anxiety sufferers will understand my choice. Yes it is a shame, but i can't risk my health, especially when it's vital i'm in a stable enough condition to attend university.
Thank you for reading my worry
Scared to tell people on my course as one girl has found out and i feel i'm already being judged for my decision!