A Step Too Far

Hello Everyone,

So my anxiety has relapsed unfortunately, and as i'm also at university at the same time and it's now my second year, the combination of a crappy break-up and way too much work for me to handle, (both uni work and job work) i started to crack. I also find at university i have a couple of people on my course especially who just drive me absolutely nuts and i'm too nice to tell them that but i've noticed it causes me a lot of stress to act like everything is ok around them when it's really not!

We have a uni trip in 2 weeks, a trip to New York. Baring in mind i am having panic attacks just leaving the house, taking myself on a plane to america just really doesn't seem realistic at the moment and i need your opinion on if i'm being silly or not.

I have decided not to go (although not told the uni this for definite) and these are the reasons why:

1. No one is going who i feel 100% comfortable around in terms of my anxiety - if i were to panic, which i will, no one is there that i feel safe and secure around, including lecturers.

2. Fear of planes - Too claustrophobic, people potentially being sick (i have emetophobia) or myself being sick which would be the worst thing in the world

3. We have a set itinerary. This worries me as there is probably going to be a lot of things i'm not feeling up to doing. Combined with the jet lag, if i am tired, i am guaranteed a panic attack - i'm not wanting to be in a sense, forced to go round with the uni lot to places i don't feel comfortable going , with people i don't really like!

4. New York is insanely busy - not the best place for an anxiety disorder

5. Fear of feeling ill and obviously not being able to go home. I feel sick an awful lot due to anxiety and as i have emetophobia i just can't be dealing with this in a place i will feel so uncomfortable.

6. It is pushing myself too far. I was told by my psychiatrist that if i were to ever relapse again, i should rebuild my confidence by taking small steps and facing challenges. For example, currently i am in fear of even going for a walk some days. So i push myself to do little things. This week i am going to try attend all my lectures, i'm meeting a friend for a drink wednesday and also maybe going to the cinema friday. I want to rebuild my confidence and face something like New York later down the line when i'm feeling a lot better!

(For those of you wondering when i put my name down for this trip i was feeling perfectly fine, but this was before the summer last year)

I'm still trying to be positive about things and give myself different challenges to face instead - because these things still make me nervous too! I'm hoping fellow anxiety sufferers will understand my choice. Yes it is a shame, but i can't risk my health, especially when it's vital i'm in a stable enough condition to attend university.

Thank you for reading my worry :)

Scared to tell people on my course as one girl has found out and i feel i'm already being judged for my decision!

13 Replies

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  • Hi DeeDee412,

    I'm sorry about the pressure you are feeling right now. Do whatever makes you comfortable. Do not allow a person opinion of you to cause you any more stress. If your anxiety is bad right now do not push it. Definitely seek counseling to help overcome your condition. I pray that you move past these fears. I experience the same fears, however, I do most of the things that I am afraid of. Flying, new places, crowded places because I don't want to be crippled by anxiety. Best wishes to you my friend!!!

  • Hello :)

    Thank you for your message. I have actually had quite an uplifting day today, i've stood up for myself against these course people who stress me out, and i've just had a day of doing things that i want to do, and i feel quite good that i have achieved small things today.

    I did have therapy for quite some time back in 2012, and i'm trying to get myself back but waiting on my doctor to write me my referral letter. Hopefully won't be too much longer!

    Instead of going on this trip because it's so uni based and not with friends, i've decided to pluck up the courage and book a long weekend away with my actual friends, to somewhere like a city in europe either Prague or Dublin or something. I don't want anxiety to rule my life definitely not, but the more i think about it i feel like, do i really want to go on this trip? I would much rather go to New York as a holiday with people i like and that way be able to take it at my pace and do activities that i wish to do without the pressure of peers!

    Really trying to get my head down and focus studying this year and next. Studying is awfully hard when i feel so distracted and uncomfortable. Trying my best, thanks for your words :)

  • Sounds Great! Best wishes my friend!

  • Hi - You really have thought this through in detail and it's not surprising it makes you feel anxious. I guess you have considered all of the likely situations that will make you panic and imagined how bad that will feel. You have now convinced yourself that you shouldn't go and you are probably right with this way of thinking.

    You are almost certainly going to have a terrible trip, probably a few panic attacks and reinforce all the reasons why you didn't want to go in the first place. Imagine if you changed the way you think and focused entirely on what a great trip it would be, all the new places you would see, the experiences, the new friendships you could make and the satisfaction of pushing the boundaries of what you are comfortable with. I have experienced your situation - I probably couldn't have even dealt with university however I am almost entirely "normal" after trying a system called Thrive by Rob Kelly - It is the most logical way of reprogramming negative thoughts and worked on me after well over 20 years of anxiety and panic attacks.

    I don't sell them or have any connection with the author, just found it extremely helpful. I had read everything, tried hypnosis, etc etc and this was the only thing that made a measurable difference in the way I think. Keep positive - you don't have to live like this forever.

  • Hello,

    I'm aware i've thought it out in probably way too much detail! I always do that with most things :( i just feel like i can't risk this when i know i have to be attending as much uni as i can. I still want to push myself and do other things just right this minute New York with people i don't even like or know, seems a little unrealistic at this present time. Taking things a day at a time and don't want to push too far and overwhelm myself.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to write and also for the recommendation, will look into it :) My mum bought me a book for christmas to do with helping with worry etc, so will give that a read too!

    Thank you again for your kind words. Will beat this some day :)

  • Hello DeeDee,

    Your anxities have reached a all time high, I really do empathise with you.

    You are only young and have a lot of pressures at the moment.

    As Rob said you have convinced yourself of what will happen when you are going to travel, try and change the negative to the positive, hard I know. Although I have never travelled to America, I have travelled when feeling anxious as I didn't want the demon to beat me.

    I was interested to hear you say that some people drive you nuts and your to nice to tell them, I feel like that, with certain people, but unfortunately it turns inwards on myself, I tried sending them good thoughts and love but in the end I try to limit my time spent with them, unfortunately you cant do this.

    I think you should listen to your psychiatrist and take things slowly at your pace.

    Unfortunately there is still a lot of stigma surrounding mental issues, and those that judge are ignorant of the facts.

    You are a strong person, you just have a lot of stresses at the moment. Give yourself a pat on the back for attending University and holding down a job. Last year you felt able to go on this trip, you will be able to conquer your fears.

    Sending you love and hugs xxx Eunice

  • Hello

    Thank you so much for taking the time to write and for writing such kind words :)

    I agree with everyone's comments, just unfortunately its a lot easier said than done. I'm trying not to think negatively and am thinking of ways to keep myself positive and set myself daily tasks. Perhaps if i continue in this way then i will be able to conquer bigger challenges! I agree i am only young and have a lot of stresses - university is definitely a tough place to be when you have anxiety that's for sure :(

    Thank you so much for making me feel better about myself :)

  • Hi, you are so welcome. You have an old head on young shoulders, and that is a compliment to you. You know exactly what you want and you will conquer this fear. xx

  • I think that is part of the problem as to why people on my course annoy me - i'm very mature for my age! think this is due to the fact i've been through a lot so i've had to mature quicker.

    Thank you again :) It's lovely to come on here and get such refreshing comments ! xxx

  • Hi . If its really bothering you then you are doing the right thing x

  • Hi DeeDee,

    I agree that it may be a step too far at this moment. You've thought that yourself. There are too many negatives in the new york trip and I can't see the positives - but you didn't name any positives either! - I presume this is because you have really already made up your mind not to go! I wouldn't blame you. A trip to New York will be fab - but only if you are going to enjoy yourself - not stress out.

    Sue

  • Hi DeeDee,

    I agree that it may be a step too far at this moment. You've thought that yourself. There are too many negatives in the new york trip and I can't see the positives - but you didn't name any positives either! - I presume this is because you have really already made up your mind not to go! I wouldn't blame you. A trip to New York will be fab - but only if you are going to enjoy yourself - not stress out.

    Sue

  • Hi i didnt have time to read all your post but sounds like some good 10 mg diazepam tablets would help for flights at least.other than that use mindfulness and distraction tecniques...music happy memories...the meds are a must for me with a few wines xx

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