I lost myself today.

[shadow45]

I broke down today In public. I was grocery shopping and I forgot my wallet and that's all it took for me to completely come unraveled... I was sobbing uncontrollably and then I threw up. The manager asked if he should call an ambulance.... I know all the check out people who think I am this very together person always smiling and ready with a joke.... I managed to get out of there.... but now I am in deep trouble.... I called the mental health and my gp but its after hours here....I Have to tell you all I am a fraud.... I have been trying to keep up a front of someone who is capable of managing his problems but I am not..... I have called a friend and she is coming over after work.....I am now all in.... I can't cope with keeping this lie going.... I suffer from debilitating anxiety and have been unable to work because of it.... Looking after my parents for the time I did just masked my sickness.... and when they left I have been trying to keep up the illusion of still being able to cope..One of my last posts when the house sale fell in was a close to a break down as I have come in a while... I have had two previous episodes where I needed help to recover... I was in a mental hospital for two weeks back in 87 after my marriage ended... I tried to end my life and failed... I had my parents to go to and they helped build me back up again. But not this time. My brother tries but what can he do All I want is for him to say come live with us we will take care of you but that will never happen. I have to face it all now no more lies no more fake steve I have to look at it all now....

[Hidden]

Just wanted to say well done for being so honest about your problems xx and a big hug for u xxxxx donver x

[Petita]

Sending you positive vibes. You should be proud of being honest with yourself, I think that is the hardest part. It's ok to need people. I think we all need people, I know I do especially when I am feeling down. Be kind to yourself.

[shadow45 in reply to Petita]

bless you... The worst is over for now... Ill be going to bed soon... Tomorrow I start working on the REAL steve no more lies....xo

[Hidden]

Hi Steve

All I want to do is send you hugs

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

We are all here for you & don't feel you are a fraud , it took a while for you to feel like you wanted to totally open up & that takes some doing . so many of us take a long time to feel this way me included , you have been as honest as you felt you wanted to be till you felt you were able to share more , that isn't a fraud in my book !

We will do the best we can to try & support you

Thinking about you

Love

whywhy

xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Steve,just noticed that the worst is over for you and I'm glad you feel that why.

How can you be a fraud when you've been so open and honest about how you feel.

Hope you managed to have a good nights sleep,and as they say today is the first day of the rest of your life.Aways here for you as is everyone here

Sending you lots of love and hugs.Anne xxxxx

[Yummimummi]

Oh Steve ,

Bless you

I'm sending you huge positive hugs. Xxxx

[shadow45 in reply to Yummimummi]

Xo much love steve

[aisne]

If you have been keeping up a front a lot of the time then you are proving that you have the right social and interpersonal skills to be a functioning member of society. I believe most people exhibit some sort of exterior image that they would like people to view them in, and I suspect that the majority are all a little different from that once they are home alone! Don't be so hard on yourself; you are only human and your little hiccup at the store could easily have happened to any one of us here. I have cried in both Asda and in the Chinese restaurant and it hasn't done me or them any harm so "what does it REALLY matter". You are doing the best thing seeking help,but seriously now-if your front helps then keep it up. I do just that, I am a total butter behind closed doors and you'd ntever know it. Embrace who you are, if you want to dance round like a drunk with mania (me,lol,only I don't need alcohol as I am like it naturally) or cry like a baby at home then do it. Take care, chin up, best foot forward and good luck. Ps lithium aspar

[aisne in reply to aisne]

Please forgive the spellings in my post, I am using a smart phone and don't know how to turn the predictive text off. Ps I'm a nutter not a butter,lol. To finish the last sentence that got cut off...lithium aspartate supplements have really helped to level out my mood.

[shadow45 in reply to aisne]

Bless you aisne. Your right in so many ways. Xo steve

[mchlwinter]

you aint lied to nobody mate you just didnt want to be who you are you wanted to be the old steve ..your alive be gratefull just for small things , tuff brother

[shadow45 in reply to mchlwinter]

True true. Thank you for taking the time.Hope all is well with you today..steve

[Hidden]

Oh Steve

You are not a fraud. You are very brave to admit you need more help. This can be very hard to do. There is no shame in having a mental health problem. You have been through a really stressful time as well as having to cope with your anxiety. We all know here on this site how you feel. I know personally how you feel when you can't cope anymore. Sending you lots of hugs blessings and good vibes. Keep posting. Xxxxx

[ultimateworrier]

I'm looking up to you right now - what you just posted takes an unbelievable amount of courage. Be proud. I hope you take it head-on, get the help you need and start living the way you want to.

You're not a fraud, you've been trying your best to be strong. I do the same, mainly for the benefit of those around me, but every now and then the truth comes out.

Last year I had some reprieve from my mind in the form of a holiday and it felt great. When I came back I had a meltdown and ended up making noises in front of my wife that I wasn't sure were possible.

I felt like I had reached the ground floor, and I knew the only way was up. Good luck

[shadow45 in reply to ultimateworrier]

Oh yes... those sounds are scarey are they not.. We are all ten seconds from our ancestors in the trees. Thank you for your kind words UW. steve

[ultimateworrier in reply to shadow45]

Any time. Being back here on this forum again the last few days has reminded me that others have been kind to me and I need to give back more. I hope you feel like you've got some stuff of your chest today, as I really do think you're awesome for sharing that stuff with others - online or not.