So its been over two months now since my break down... And even though I've come a long way have gotten do many things done that were necessary. I'm feeling closer to collapsing today than I did 60 odd days ago.... This feeling that nothing is moving forward is getting to be a problem now as well... I`m like a runner waiting for the gun to go off... Not sure if I can even finish the race.... My dreams are turning into subconscious plays in which all my fears are being acted out. I had to suspend my therapy because I'm not (sick) enough as my counsellor see things... I mean I have an amazing capacity to recover... Meaning that I put on a good front.. when all I really want to do is fold my tent and weep. I want someone `s arms around me telling me they love me and all will be well.... I've been lonely before but not like this.. I just don't see where I'm going to be able to get some happiness back into my life. The days are all the same now I cant wait for the night time darkness to come and cover up my worries. I go to bed and watch the same shows over and over.... I've been watching the very same comedy series for 60 days.... I just let the voices wash over me now... not really listening to what is being said. .. I know Ill have to change this routine soon and I feel scared at the thought. My family is hundreds of miles away and I feel so isolated from them now... My parents are in a retirement home and are for all intent and purpose are lost to me.. My older brother is indifferent to my needs and my daughter needs to live her own life... without her father weeping on the phone..Its all getting to be too much pain to handle day after day. Now the days are getting longer... and with the longer day my relief is being postponed... I have a blackout cover for my bedroom window that I put up when I feel the need to shut the world out.... My neighbour has asked me about it when he sees it going up at 4 o'clock everyday. I lied and made up some excuse.. It easy to say if your lonely just go out and meet people... But as you know Its not that simple. The underlying problem is I've never felt true love .... I have squandered any love that came my way... Now I feel I can't recover all the losses.... all the times when I had the chance to be happy I messed them up.... Now I'm struggling to recover some happiness and I`m failing... Getting very tired.. Living a life of coping... not living but just maintaining... a thin façade of life... Not wanting to collapse... because... who will be there to catch me....
In a Bind...: So its been over two months... - Anxiety Support
In a Bind...
HI Shadow x Sorry to hear you are feeling low. I think it can be incredibly frustrating when we feel everything is moving along at a steady pace and then just stops, as we want it to just all keep on the right track so we feel good and useful. We quite often find we build our defences so high that no one sees the hurt behind them, maybe its time for you to stop your guard and show your therapist what lies beneath ? We can all get better and brush aside the problems to feel normal but unless they are truly fixed they often come back to haunt us. I can understand that you are shutting out the world to protect yourself but sometimes its easier to just let it in and deal with the pain x Try not to go over the past and what is lost try and don't look into the future for what may or may not be. Try to think about your present and how you can open up to the therapist and fix yourself and deal with the problems that have gotten you where you are x I was the same I held it all back worried about telling the truth and no I realise its got me no where so I have to be honest or therapy will not work and I will never be able to go into my future without the anxiety. Sometimes we truly have to fall to realise falling is not as bad as you think xx And there will be people who will pick up back up dust you off and send you onto that future which will be great x Donver x
Thank you Donver.
I do see the need to be more open about the true reality of my issues. Living under a mountain of half truths is not a good place to be.The people in my life have no idea how painfull a day can be for me. I don't want to lay my problems at there feet.. This site has been a great help. Because we are not really involved on a more personal level.. its much easier to be objective about each others issues
I had a long talk with my Brother today and I was hinting that when the house sells.. I may move up to the town he lives in.. I see that as a way to heal some wounds...My parents are both in a retirement home there.. My dad is having a very hard time of it... and I want to help him.. and maybe help myself at the same time. But I didn't get the feeling he thought it a good idea.He sees what I went through for 6 years with Dad.. and he seems to think that nothing beyond a miracle will help our Fathers situation.. But anyway thank you again for responding... I was feeling very low this morning... bless you x steve
HI x Yes its always better to be open and honest about ourselves as bottling things up really gets us no where but down. I think we are all capable of saying "yes im fine " but underneath we are screaming please help me. I don't think anyone can ever truly know what its like to deal with anxiety etc unless they have indeed been there themselves x I can understand that you don't want to burden people with your problems but the therapist is the best person to do this with as they know exactly how to deal with it x I do agree with this site we can give and take advice on non personal level, but then I do like to think we become part of each others lives in the respect of being like friends we can turn to when we need the shoulder to cry on x
It sounds a good idea moving nearer to some of your family, it could be that having them around eases not only the loneliness but will help to rebuild bonds. Also being nearer your parents is a comfort, as if you ever just need a friendly face you can visit whenever. I think maybe your brother is worrying that being close will make you worse but it could just be the therapy needed x Always happy to help and listen x Donver x
Yes Donver.. there is a strong bond that develops between members.. I do feel that as well...We do care about one another and that's so nice...I will give the move a lot of thought.. I have been looking online at homes to rent in Vernon anyway. I really had to let it all out today reading my own post I was a little taken aback at how sad it all sounded... I just opened up and let it go..Trying to keep a lid on these emotions will not help .... Bless you..
Hi shadow
Reading your post I can see you are really struggling and you're wondering if it's all worth it, of course it is but you are unable to see that right now.
I also read Donver's post which gives great advice, I can really see how her post can help you, she mentions the present, not the past or future, this I'm sure is the way forward, this day, not yesterday, not tomorrow.
You sound very lonely and dwelling on events in the past is not helpful nor thinking of the future and what might not be!
Take no notice of your brother, and move closer as soon as your house sells, do it regardless of what he thinks, be closer to your parents and get to see your dad on a regular basis, do it shadow. Carve out that future for yourself, involve yourself again with your family and be strong for the future but on a daily basis. Carpe diem as the saying goes, you do have that ability to recover and it doesn't have to be a show! It can be you being positive and moving forward.
I wish you all the very best shadow, be strong, move on and live each new day as it arrives, keep busy and you will arrive in a better calmer future. X
Thank you kb... I was in a very sad and lonely place this morning... I do feel better now. I did have a long talk with my brother.. Mostly about my parents. I`d love to be able to see my dad more.. and try and help him cope with his move into a Rest Home ...But my brother can't see it happening. Dad has all the help he can get..... My mother has made a somewhat miraculous recovery from her dementia and is living her life in a more fulfilling way then she has in years... While my dad just stews in his anxiety day after day.I`ll go for a visit soon and see the lay of the land... Like most everything.. I can't solve the problem sitting here..Thank you for your kind and generous thoughts.... much love x steve
Hi there just read your sad post. I think it's hard when parents
Get old and need care. I live alone and both my parents died
8 years ago, quite close together.
I miss them still and my life changed a lot, it reminds us too
Of what will happen to us all I guess, my family are not close,
I moved into my new apartment 3 years ago and only one of them has ever visited me.
You will get stronger and I get lonely too but I enjoy my life now
So there is lots of hope, you have your health and we
Really have to do a lot to help ourselves too.
This is a great caring site. I think you should move to be
Near your parents, they won't be there forever. My advice,
Do what you feel is right for you.
Hugs
Hannah
Its a challenge and a curse at times this suffering. I too visited my mother who just was placed in a nursing home although she has had money and does its not enough or she didnt make the right choices to be in a retirement home. My father is deceased. It's so hard when you feel you have lost your parents as a support in way one or another. I just got the courage to go see her today. I am glad I did. Although the past two weeks I have been struggling I made myself go walking and then to town to maybe not shop but look and then to see my mother. I feel your pain and I struggle with this as well. I think looking for it to end. But thus it keeps going as I do. I am so happy to have found this group. It seems there are so many thinking of each other with understanding and encouragement. I send mine to you as I feel I get some peace in writing and admitting I have these long moments as well. I am only different in that I don't want to go to sleep because I wake with a panic attack and nervous which in turn brings about the sadness. I am sad today because my son who is 20 inherited my anxiety and he is trying to figure out how to make his life work and I feel the pain to the core of my heart. I know the road is long and neverending but to hope for things we yet know. Big hugs to you.
Hi I'm glad you visited your Mom , don't give up, you can have
A good life and that will be a good role model for your Son. You
Sound like a really lovely person.
My parents died 8 years ago and your right about the Jolt of that
Parental support ending. It was very hard for me. But now I am
Doing much better so be hopeful too.
Hannah
It really hit me hard this morning.I guess it had been building up for some time Your post touched my heart as well... I needed to have my feelings heard.... I am so blessed to have found this site two months ago To be able to receive understanding and compassion from all the good people herein is a great comfort. I have a child who has suffered at times with mental issues Thankfully she found a good medication that works for her. The whole family are taking something it seems. Xo steve
Shadow and Tndrheart
I too have a parent in a residential home, she has dementia although sometimes she is quite well. I'm very worried about her at the moment because she is retaining fluid in her body and it is moving up her legs, she is confused and very tired and I sometimes fear she's giving up. She is on anti biotics for a water infection but I don't feel the doctors are really interested. I love my mum so much I'm always thinking of her and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her.
I'm really anxious about her wellbeing so talking on here helps because I don't want to burden my daughter with my worries about my mum, I dare not let her know how I worry because she would worry too!,
Hope you have a good nights sleep. X
So many of our contemporaries are trying to cope with this aged parent issue... Its not as glamorous as the ads make it out....If we get it wrong its a living hell for everyone.... I know if my Dad were happy in the Home.. I wouldn't have half the guilt I carry .. x steve
Had just written a few lines to you and it disappeared. It's very sad and hard when
Parents get old and ill. Often they are not give. The respect they deserve,, but
I'm sure she feels your love. Please take care of yourself at this time as when mine
Were. Dying and in hospital I used to feel exhausted but I loved them so much
Will keep you in my prayers
Hannah
Hi Steve, glad to hear you're feeling a bit better than you were this morning.
Your story sounds very familiar to me, except you're a bit further down the road. You are living what I see ahead for myself.
I'm afraid I have no great insights to help, but please know that there are people thinking about you & willing you on. Keep going, you're doing so well 
Take care of yourself
x
Thomson... Much appreciate your kind thoughts... Limbo sucks.. Inertia is a bummer... So many things just waiting to happen. Need to move forward and feel stuck right now. Its all supposed to unstick in March..but I just don`t feel it.. x steve
Morning Steve,
I had to read your post twice as it sounded like something I would write, in fact there is a lot in your post that I feel is happening to me as well.
I was looking at the calendar the other night thinking... is this it? The routine that I have set myself since moving in with my mum. Everything is the same and as you said same TV programmes etc etc.
I totally get where you are coming from with the "putting on a good front" and wanting someone to put their arms around you saying every thing will be ok I am here for you sort of thing. And as for the go out there and meet people, well so much easier said than done. I try my best to get out their but just seem a bit lost with it al when I do.
Well I am not being much help to you am I ?
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with feeling like this and am here if you want to chat.
I think it is very early days for you as well, you have had a lot of things change in your life over the last few months. So give yourself a chance to recover from all this.
Will be thinking of you, wishing you well and sending a big hug.
Gardener x
Thank you Gardener. I've been reading the responses to my post with a heavy heart... I'm afraid I've fallen back into feeling lost again.. I think its the news that my house needs a lot of upgrading to sell quickly.. And I don't have the funds to do the work needed. Over the weeks I`ve been working hard to set up a new life and Its all just waiting to happen now With the waiting comes the uncertainty and then the worry etc..
Reading the posts from all the wonderful people like yourself is so helpful And I cant say enough about this site. Bless you Gardener... much love xSteve
Hi Steve
I'm sorry you are struggling. I know it is really really hard. You have had a really stressful time of it . I know what you mean about coping with all the losses in your life. Have you been to see your GP? Hope you feel a bit better today xxxx
Still down today... not wanting to get out of bed.. Just feeling lost without a certain direction for my life ahead. What I need is a decision to be made and circumstances right now are making that impossible... I have to wait until the house sells to make any definitive changes in location job etc. and it looks like that will take more time that I want it too. I know I can't force the issue... I guess I could drop the house price..Damn it.... I can't make a sensible decision these days. I do have a glimmer of hope... Its still there in my minds eye.... I hope and prey it wont take too much longer to get here ..Many more days like this one has me worried.....But I know you understand this... and I love you for reaching out to me and others on this site Angel.... Bless your heart....x steve
Hi Steve, sorry you're still feeling down, I know how hard it can be to get motivated.
On a practical note, is there anything you could tackle yourself where the house is concerned? A lick of paint, a spot of gardening can make a big difference, needn't cost a lot & could give you something to focus on. Easier said than done I know but try starting with something small. I know you have some good friends & neighbours, I'm sure they'd be willing if you could bring yourself to ask, sometimes people like to know what they can do to help, try it, you might be pleasantly surprised
Wishing you well
x
I did talk to my agent about some small changes.. Like paint etc... Unfortunately the whole house needs to be painted which will disrupt the showings.. as it would take a week Plus the clean up.. The interior paint is low key anyway... The garden I did three weeks ago and the winter weather has stopped all growth for the time being.The amount of work in the house has been huge... and I'm just now getting some relief from it all... I do have some great neighbours who have been helping to move stuff around the house and with the trips dump...I need to engage my brain/body in some form of physical activity that is just for myself... I used to bike ride for miles.... the bloody weather is still on the winter side here in Kanada.....But I do thank you fro your ideas.... I`ll have to give myself a shake and get more motivated about my physical health..x steve
Dear Shadow,
I hope you are feeling a little better today as you sounded very low yesterday. as others have suggested I think it might be a positive move to move nearer to you parents, as you will be able to visit more often. I think especially for your dad if you can cope with visting just seeing you will help. But don't forget about you in all this. I appreciate you might not feel it at the moment but but when you are well what do you enjoy doing?
Opening up to how we really feel is so difficult for some of us but sometimes and I think especially for a therapist we just have to let go of the veneer and let them see the anxiety for what it is. Sending hugs
MR
Bless you for the kind words and your compassion. I`m not sure why it all fell apart yesterday. I`m tired I guess.. its all been a lead up to selling the house and getting back to work.... And then the waiting for it all to happen has hit me hard... why I'm not sure... I'm not the best person when it comes to patience. I want to get back to living a life with some certainty with a goal in mind... Waiting for that to happen now has become a problem in itself.... I can't force any of the issues because I`m not in control of the housing market... and I have to wait to go back to work as its not busy enough for them to hire me yet.... I can't seem to fill my days with anything other than this somewhat dysfunctional routine I have.. Its working because I do get some relief.... But the other side of it is my feeling that I should be doing more more more....Bless you Hope your days are better ..xo Steve
Hi Steve,
I have just read your post and my heart goes out to you.
Please don't wear that mask anymore when you visit your therapist, as we say, we aren't mind readers. It is so easy to put your mask on and say to the world ' look at me, I am happy and content' when underneath we are crying out for help.
I am fortunate that I have a family around me, who are very tuned into how I feel, and unfortunately have felt the same as me.
You have some good friends on here and albeit we can't put our arms around you and give you the hug you deserve. Instead I send you a cyber hug.
I wont offer any more advice because I know you have received good advice from other members.
Eunice xx
You and other friends on this site are my strength.... I feel so close to you all..... The level of understanding has been so helpful... We are all in the same boat it seems.....If I could come and be with you all for a while I know your love and compassion would help to heal so many wounds. I`m scared to let down the mask... I have put on the face of strength and being in control for so many years now.... I feel that the people in my life would shun me as weak and unstable.. I can't afford to lose even one of them I`ll be more open with my therapy now as I see I've been trying to assure myself (by hiding some of my deepest secrets) that I`ll be ok if this happens or that happens...... Not being able to see how these events will occur... But hoping that they will..All the while just wanting to weep and give in ...but give in to what.... I fear sometimes I may lose my mind completely.... Much like my dad seems to be doing now....Lost in his anxiety and depression... oh God what a mess...
Hi Shadow
Sorry to hear you aren't really feeling any better, this anxiety has such a lot to answer for, and you certainly are in limbo with the sale of your house, you just want to move forward but as you say you can't control the housing market?
I myself have days when I wonder if I'll ever feel any better, there's always the anxious thoughts in the back of my mind, can't say I'm ever free of the depression either really but some days are a bit better than others, we are all slaves to it, that's how I feel!!
I am looking forward to the summer, that's something I suppose, but I worry about my mum every day, seeing her, probably similar to your dad actually, as she also has mental health problems. Her GP arrived to see her this morning and asked her 'if she had a heart problem or an illness would she prefer that she is made comfortable and not treated', well needless to say I was quite taken aback, how can anyone ask a question like that to a confused elderly woman, so she has a water infection.. So that doesn't mean she's quite ready for the wide open space above just yet!! Gosh I despair sometimes I really do!
I was going to ask if you are on any medication, I'm on Citalapram and they take the the edge off and lucky enough I don't suffer any side effects, except the dreaded weight gain!!
Anyway Steve I hope you have a good evening if it's at all possible!! Keep your chin up my friend, it could be all good news just around the corner!!
Keeping everything crossed for you and hoping you'll get a sale and be able to move on soon. X
Hi Kimmie . So many of us are trying to cope with the parents ageing. Its a very hard thing to process and it will happen to us all..... Its crazy that there aren't more people demanding answers to this problem of dementia... I understand there is a patch for it now...!!
I did take my daughters advice and went to Yoga class today.. My backs a little sore but I feel a little lighter in spirit as I talk to you. I just wanted to say... much love and big hugs to you Maybe one day we will talk of happier things. Bless your heart steve
please shadow try find positivity in the fact you have breath in your body,u have had the joy of being a dad that you do have friends and neighbours who obviously care about you. the very fact that you are on here sharing your thought and feelings aswell as offering your own advise says how tremendous a person you are. love and strength to you,get that head held high x
thanks steve,my anxiety has been playing up recently(been weaning off ciralopran and now finished them) so don't know if that's why im stressed. do not want to be dependent on them 
the exhaustion and dizziness I struggle with but coming on this I don't feel alone. we are all unique and for some reason are sharing a path so the kindest and best thing we can do is be here for each other x
I feel the same way... Its a place that's always here to help... Our mutual problems need to be talked about... its the biggest part of any recovery or coping mechanism Speech... words... vocalizing the pain..And getting answers and messages that speak directly to point is wonderful..
I have a problem with Meds.... I get all the side effects... Its really quite astounding.... I was on Zoloft 17 years ago.... A heavy dose as well.. so I got some nasty side effects I was basically wrapped in cotton wool,,. So I know that coming of those buggers was essential to my mental health. I worry about getting too reliant on Meds,,, I know my brother has found a good match with his ad`s. So it does work for some.. Thank you again x steve
Hi Steve
You have had so many great responses & advice that I really cant add anymore except to say I have read your post & I am thinking about you
Love
whywhy
xxx
fantastic man steve xxx
guys do any of you get the heavy feeling in head like you can hear yourself internally,pressure in head,ears feel like need to pop. I notice this when im telling kids off or when do feel it unexpected think it must b anxiety starting????xxx
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