You'll have to forgive me if I lose my focus in this post, I'm going to type it off the top of my head to match my current, exact thoughts.
A few months ago I posted here about a number of gastro symptoms that were plaguing me every day. Well guess what? Nothing has changed. I still suffer daily from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Sometimes I wish I'd never wake up. I can't stand this any longer, and I am in desperate need of a cure. My symptoms are:
- Constant 'throat' belching. If I stand up, move or eat or drink ANYTHING I belch. Even Alkaline Water. It never stops and doesn't tie in with my anxiety levels or specifics of my diet.
- Mucus in my throat whenever I belch.
- Burning throat occassionally.
- Total, utter anxiety when the symptoms occur, but not before.
- Did I mention, I can't stop burping, even when I'm on an empty stomach. Only sitting or standing still slightly alienates it.
I find myself constantly Googling what's wrong, and everyone says it's GERD/LPR. I then delude myself into thinking I still have anxiety by Googling anxiety websites in my desperation. They then confirm I have the real, chronic illness. A few example quotes include:
"Belching is a definite symptom of reflux. Especially if you do any bending after you have eaten. The first time I was diagnosed with reflux about 6-7 years ago, it was after I went in to see a doctor because of excessive belching. I had no idea at the time that it was a reflux symptom. I didn't have any heartburn at all. I had never had a belching problem before. My "burping" is all inside, unknown to the world, doesn't go beyond my throat, and since it's been out of control ever since I suddenly "got GERD/LPR", I suspect it is the sphincter failing and transiently blowing open (includes the upper sphincter at the throat, which also "trips" alot). Before I had this bad problem, I called these virtually unnoticeable (i.e., by public) "throat burps". I'd probably have a couple a day. Now it's virtually all the time."
"There is no way stress could cause all these problems, any doctor that writes you off with a lame-ass diagnosis like that should be avoided. Your anxiety is more likely to be a symptom of your condition."
"Belching is a symptom that you may have even if you don't have any heartburn. That is how my reflux started."
Look at those quotes; just more proof of my illness. I don't want GERD/LPR. They're incurable, they aren't natural, they require you to make so many changes which I'm not strong enough to make. I don't want to "adjust" for a disease. I don't want meds, they just remind me I'm ill. I don't want any disease. I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN.
LPR has tested me in every area of my life. I've tried every possible lifestyle and diet change to no avail. It's cost me my friends and family who are sick of hearing my complaining about it. It's cost me jobs as the suffering goes on. It's even cost me my religious faith - how can I possibly believe that any deity would willingly allow any living thing to suffer with this day in day out?! I see people around me eating and binging on junk food and sweets, who will probably never suffer with GERD or LPR. What did I do wrong? Why can't I get away with it when they can?!
Tests I've had include:
- Endoscopy: Clear
- Barium Swallow: Clear
- Rapid Spit Test: Positive; found stomach Pepsin in my spit.
- Various PPIs and H2 Blockers: No effect.
- Various antidepressants, currently on 15mg Mirtazapine: No effect.
- Gaviscon Advance: Only works on an empty stomach. Otherwise, no effect.
- CBT/Hypnotherapy. They only work because I'm sitting/lying still. Once I stand up and walk away, it all comes back again.
No more burping. No more clearing my throat of mucus. No more reflux. No more fearing everything I ingest or every step I take/move I make. No more LP-freaking-R!!!!!!! And yet I'm venting my so-called stress by typing this, AND THE SYMPTOMS ARE STILL GOING WHEN I MOVE. I can't even get surgery - I can't afford it and I'm not eligible for it, AND it might not work. What on Earth is left for me, but to continue suffering? I'm too afraid to harm myself, nobody believes me because of my earlier "heart worries," my lifestyle is in pieces. LPR wants me dead with a passion. Please. Someone just cure me, one way or another, even if the cure is cruel. AND YET THE SYMPTOMS CONTINUE WHEN I MOVE, EVEN NOW. Make them stop, please!!!!
I hate putting on a fake smile, I hate proving every day that I have LPR. I hate knowing I'll never have my quality of life back. It won't stop, I can't live with it, I'll be straight back on Google any minute desperatly trying to think I'll be alright. I won't be. It's been a whole year now. I'll never get rid of it. People have reflux and constant burping for life, not just when they feel worried. All the people with the exact symptoms as me have got it. They lose everything because of it, just like me. It's a Chronic Illness. And I don't want to live with it, but I'm worried I'll scar people around me for life if I do anything to myself.
Please, just make the suffering stop...
Sorry if my post turned nonsensical at any point. I had to stop myself swearing or using certain terms many times. I don't expect many replies, I just needed a chance to vent, even if it doesn't make a difference to my burping which is STILL going when I move even slightly by the way.