Hi all, well today had my 3rd cbt therapy session, the lady comes to my home as I'm to afraid to leave it .
It started bad as she was 10 mins late which meant i felt pressure as I had only 50 mins to offload a week of crap. Then she messed on with her phone for 5 mins as she forgot her little timer. So i immediately felt under pressure to be quick. I wasn't feeling my best as I was tired and so that earned me a lecture on good bedtime routine can cut anxiety and i wasn't getting enough. Tbh i tend to go to bed at midnight and get up at 7 ish i feel knackered more so after a few days but i semi function, so i make a few mistakes and get dates mixed up on the calendar for appointments don't we all. The hubby wakes me up often in the night as he snores but i'm unaware he has till he tells me the next day Apparently i have a go at him lol x
We chatted about the paperwork she gave me last week, on becoming more self assertive and gaining confidence, and I felt quizzed like in a exam. I could feel myself rambling on trying to give her the answers she needed. I told her about now knowing the difference between passive and assertive without being aggressive, which i then explained I thought I could be at times when i lost my temper.
We went over some of my past as she thinks this is why I am the way I am, due to constant put downs from step fathers and teachers etc about my siblings being better, the fact that apart from my hubby the only long term relationship i ever had was because my step dad gave me no choice he struck a deal with the bloke for me to move in, However she could see a determined part of me as when enough was enough I made the choice and left and felt happier for it, no one to tell me what to do I was free
As she was packing up to go she asked me as she does if I had any questions. I merely asked if the health anxiety I was suffering would die down when I leant to be more confident about my anxiety. I babbled on some more about it, and then she sat back down and asked me why was I talking as if I was going to die. I told her it was because I was frightened of death. BUt she seemed to think it was my was my way of expressing the fact that I was dying inside, because I had had enough of being how i am. She said we had to chat about it next week. All I said was " I have accepted that we all die eventually, maybe not tomorrow but one day. I'm going to try and stop worrying and waiting for it to happen, and live life until it does." I meant it as in I could live to be 90 and then die and regret that i stayed in doors all that time waiting for it to. Am I confused or has she made me this way. I'm ready to get better, I cannot do this anymore enough is enough, I need my life back. I told her I don't want to be confident and be able to dance on tables and sing to the pub, hell i don't want to go to the pub, I just want to get up every day and breathe without thinking its my last, I want to play and laugh and have fun without feeling guilty.
Now she has me worried thinking I'm fit for the knackers yard. Have I said something I should,nt of. Or did she just put me off with her lateness. I thought today was a waste of time tbh. She didn't seem there like she has at other times, and im worried ive lost me marbles x
Oh well next week we are apparently going over the health issues and then moving to the exposure.
In the meantime I have to order a book about overcoming anxiety, funny thought thats what she was helping me do x
Sorry for long post lol xxx Donver xxx