weird cbt session and now i feel confused :/

Hi all, well today had my 3rd cbt therapy session, the lady comes to my home as I'm to afraid to leave it .

It started bad as she was 10 mins late which meant i felt pressure as I had only 50 mins to offload a week of crap. Then she messed on with her phone for 5 mins as she forgot her little timer. So i immediately felt under pressure to be quick. I wasn't feeling my best as I was tired and so that earned me a lecture on good bedtime routine can cut anxiety and i wasn't getting enough. Tbh i tend to go to bed at midnight and get up at 7 ish i feel knackered more so after a few days but i semi function, so i make a few mistakes and get dates mixed up on the calendar for appointments don't we all. The hubby wakes me up often in the night as he snores but i'm unaware he has till he tells me the next day Apparently i have a go at him lol x

We chatted about the paperwork she gave me last week, on becoming more self assertive and gaining confidence, and I felt quizzed like in a exam. I could feel myself rambling on trying to give her the answers she needed. I told her about now knowing the difference between passive and assertive without being aggressive, which i then explained I thought I could be at times when i lost my temper.

We went over some of my past as she thinks this is why I am the way I am, due to constant put downs from step fathers and teachers etc about my siblings being better, the fact that apart from my hubby the only long term relationship i ever had was because my step dad gave me no choice he struck a deal with the bloke for me to move in, However she could see a determined part of me as when enough was enough I made the choice and left and felt happier for it, no one to tell me what to do I was free

As she was packing up to go she asked me as she does if I had any questions. I merely asked if the health anxiety I was suffering would die down when I leant to be more confident about my anxiety. I babbled on some more about it, and then she sat back down and asked me why was I talking as if I was going to die. I told her it was because I was frightened of death. BUt she seemed to think it was my was my way of expressing the fact that I was dying inside, because I had had enough of being how i am. She said we had to chat about it next week. All I said was " I have accepted that we all die eventually, maybe not tomorrow but one day. I'm going to try and stop worrying and waiting for it to happen, and live life until it does." I meant it as in I could live to be 90 and then die and regret that i stayed in doors all that time waiting for it to. Am I confused or has she made me this way. I'm ready to get better, I cannot do this anymore enough is enough, I need my life back. I told her I don't want to be confident and be able to dance on tables and sing to the pub, hell i don't want to go to the pub, I just want to get up every day and breathe without thinking its my last, I want to play and laugh and have fun without feeling guilty.

Now she has me worried thinking I'm fit for the knackers yard. Have I said something I should,nt of. Or did she just put me off with her lateness. I thought today was a waste of time tbh. She didn't seem there like she has at other times, and im worried ive lost me marbles x

Oh well next week we are apparently going over the health issues and then moving to the exposure.

In the meantime I have to order a book about overcoming anxiety, funny thought thats what she was helping me do x

Sorry for long post lol xxx Donver xxx

[missrat]

I think that's one of the books recommended on library loan.

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Yes it is I've got it, not read it yet though!

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I've ordered it from ebay found one for 2 quid lol x costing a fortune these books x Already read self help for nerves, and At last a life x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I've got hundreds of books that I should read, I start them and never finish. Maybe I need to finish them! X

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if im honest i never finished At last a life, i got bored and felt like he was repeating what my therapist tells me xx

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Has anyone looked at understanding health anxiety a self help guide? Xxx

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No, sorry I haven't xx

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Im currently reading a understanding health anxiety i found on my ipad x forgot i had it lol x I have ..Acrophobia- fear of height. Agoraphobia - fear of crowds etc. Aviophobia - fear of flying. Bacillophobia - fear of germs. Necrophobia - fear of dying and Nomophobia- fear of being alone xx This book make take some reading lol x

[Hidden]

Well I am going to give this a go. I popped out today and briefly read a copy in a book/ coffee shop and it really relates to me and all about health anxiety. It is written by a doctor and kings college hospital at maudskey which deal which specialist anxiety disorder. Didn't know if it would be any good to anyone. It has except codes and tasks in there to do. Will keep u a posted if it helps xxx

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Yes please, do let me know what you think xx

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Ooh defo let us know if it helps xx

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Hi donver it does sound to me like you felt under pressure about the time limit, why not write down how you felt about the session, and to clear up the points you were making.

It's what I had a bad CBT session, then it's up to you if you want to talk to her about it. And it's fine if you don't it just means your feeling clearer in your mind about what you want from the sessions. In the end she is here to help you achive what you want from the session. If something is not working for you let her know, believe me I know it's hard, when I did it I had to write it down and give it to my councilor as I was so wound up about it I knew I could not have explained it in a clam and clear mannor, and it then meant that next time we could try another tack.

You have not said anything wrong, that's the point of theses session to get these worries and thoughts out, it just sounds like crossed wires. Well that's my impression any way, hope it helps.

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Ty Worriedworrier, i do tend to panic when I know someone is coming and i try all to keep calm and prepared and then bam your put off, I should write it down good idea x because once she flustered me I was lost. I like her as a person just today I think she was preoccupied as she forgot her clock and forgot to check our appointment time for next week, and forgot my new paperwork for next week:/ still I suppose we all have our bad days xx I will write it down while its fresh in my head and pass it over next week ty xx Donver

[Hidden]

Hi Donver

This person that comes out , to be honest I would feel like complaining , she would put me under pressure & I no we only get so much time , but flipping heck she does make it obvious , which as she is dealing with someone with anxiety , you would have thought she would have taken that in to account

Maybe its time to tell her what pressure you feel under & when you are talking quick its your anxiety & you think what you are saying gets miss understood , I would

Somehow I have always felt I should be grateful to these people for seeing me & be careful not to upset them & yes I am grateful but at the same time if they didnt have us to see they would be out of a job & wouldnt be getting paid , so why shouldnt we say what we want to as long as we are polite in the way we put it

Oh well I would scrap today's session , dont keep going over it in your head & next week start again & fingers crossed it will go a lot better

Hope your cold hasnt got any worse & did you manage to do that letter , maybe not with all you have had on

love

whywhy

xxx

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Hi whywhy x Im going to put today down to a bad day that we all can have. I did feel a bit put off but then at times she tells me she can see positives in me to so maybe underneath all my babbling she is picking up on the real me x I hate the time issue with these sessions its so off putting x The ticking clock was bad enough but the vibrating iphone reminding us time up was worse lol x Which led me into a random discussion about iphone with her lol. I can get her concerns about my sleeping habit but hey its better than tossing and turning trying to sleep if I go when I do i'm asleep within ten mins x

I have apologised about my rambling and fast talking but she says its normal and good as more slips out whn im not thinking of what i say x I was reserved about what I said but now I figure what the bugger they are not allowed t repeat and im not bothered if she thinks i'm mad lol x She always says better off your chest, it was weird the first time I randomly burst into tears with her and funnily enough when she mentioned the im dying inside thing i did again x Im frustrated as I so want my life back, I don't want to be super confident and i don't want to pretend to be a super hero and hide behind a persona x

Tomorrow is my new start I have decided, if I want my life i have to go get it no one is taking me they are merely guiding me x

The cold is slightly better until we hit this time of night and then boom x x

I have,not had to do the letter yet as the headmaster and my hubby had a meeting and they are going to monitor the situation, its a case of verbal instruction first. And even though it has been brought up in the past the message was never ( apparently ) passed to him. He is being quite cool about it so we will see

ty xxx Donver xxx