Bit of advice please, off topic but would like others opinions. Thanks

I live away from home. I have a fab group of long term friends back there, I see when I visit.

With hubby's job we move around. I met a nice group when we moved here and they really welcomed me, included me inttheir plans etc..

Over the past few weeks I've noticed they are not bothering with me (this sounds very immature, but it's bothering me massively). If it was just a few times it wouldn't bother me but as I am friends with them on Facebook I see all their doing and it's making me think what have I done wrong!? Also, knowing I was

Included in everything previously and now nothing, it's a bit obvious.

Husband thinks I'm being too sensitive, but I don't think I am. I would have thought the people I met would not do this as they would not like it done to them. Clearly not.

I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to confront them about it as I feel so petty and childish. I'm a grown woman and this shouldn't be happening! I also think their not worth my time if they can treat someone like that.

It's causing me a lot of stress, I can't brush it off and stop thinking about it.

Any help and advice greatly appreciated.

Hoping your all well xxxx

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  • Hi looloo

    I've had this happen where I think I'm being left out by friends and it used to bother me massively...still does with this anxiety everything is worse but I've learned just not to bother about it and just go do something else when I feel this is happening.

    Do you have one in particular you are more friendly with that you could ask if everything is okay?

    If so ask and if nothing is wrong leave it at that and don't ask again. Then you have done everything you can and if they still acts like that then just get on with things.

    Hope that makes sense? Lol xx

  • Thanks Ashley, I don't feel I could go to one of them as I feel they are a click..if I see one, no doubt she'd run to another, and I would just get paranoid then I'm being talked about.

    It's a horrible situation to be in as I feel lonely, I have my family but friends matter, and I just want to be near my real friends now!

    Thanks again xx

  • Hi there

    I don't really know how to answer, but just to say I don't think youre being silly, I would feel the same and I do think with our anxiety issues it does make us more sensitive............. so as hard as it is, do you really need people in your life who are so fickle that they can just not bother............no, youre a good friend and nice person and theyre not being the same, don't waste your affection with people like that.

    Maybe you could join a new hobby group or something to try and meet new people??

    Im not just dismissing this, I would be upset too and I don't think youre being silly, but they don't deserve you!!

    I hope this helps??

    Let us know!! I also know how hard it is moving to another area, I did it last year and couldn't cope!!

    xxxx

  • Hi Anne and thanks. It's really hard going trying to make new friends every few yrs. I try my best, and now I'm thinking why bother. I don't want to be around people that can make me feel like that. I don't really have time for hobbies but haven't long started work and the people there are nice.

    Just see how it goes I suppose but I'm not putting anymore effort into it.

    Thanks again and hope you're well xx

  • Hi looloo, I can understand how you are feeling left out of this social group, and half of the time its down to anxiety, but I really wouldn't let it bother you. Its better to find out now than later is something i always remind myself of. I used to have one brilliant friend who stuck by me in thick and thin i could tell her anything, and she started to leave me out, at first it bothered me massively but then i begun to see her from a different light, and now i realise i'm better off without so called friends like that. Chances are they are just giving you some space as they understand the pressure of a new job, or maybe they are jealous you are going to make new friends in the workplace. I would just be casual with them when you see them as if nothing has happened and leave the running to them . xx Donver

  • Thanks donver, I am going to do that and see how it goes. Just don't understand how people can be mean. X

  • I was also wondering whether it was because they know that you've started a new job and they think/assume that you're too busy getting stuck into that to socialise as much as you used to - it would still be nice to be asked though, I'm sure!

    One other thought crossed my mind - You said that they were welcoming and included you in their plans when you first moved to the area (I don't know how long ago you moved there)... Is it possible that they now feel that maybe you could take the initiative and organise a get together, or suggest a meet up somewhere, or whatever you all used to do socially? Have you tried anything like that with these friends?

    Try not to let it get you down too much, it must be difficult having to get to know a new set of people regularly. Hopefully you're still able to keep in touch with your old friends - Promise yourself a visit back to your old area to see them again soon. :)

  • Thank you blorengia. I work all different shifts and they know that, as you said it's still nice to be asked. In my mind I wonder wether they would use that as an excuse. I was thinking of having a get together at mine but now I feel they have hurt me and don't really want to bother. I also think will they think I'm doing it because they've not bothered. Or am I just paranoid? Either way I'm fed up of trying my best to please people. So much so I would like to move back home.

    Thanks for your reply :-)

  • Hi LooLoo,

    I understand how you feel - wondering why you've been left out, and if it has to do with something you said or did, which led to them leaving you out. Its something I struggle with, even till today - my fears of how others perceive me and my need to be included.

    I'm guessing that although you don't want to confront them, deep down, you really want to ask them what's going on and why have you been left out. And what's stopping you is your fear that if you do so, it'll just trigger a round of gossip about you.

    I can't say for sure why they're doing what they're doing, but from experience its probably boils down to 1 of 3 scenarios:

    1. You did say or do something which offended one of them;

    2. They didn't deliberately exclude you from activities you noticed on their Facebook posts - it may be that those activities were planned a long time ago, before you came into the picture, or perhaps its an activity specific to certain members of the group, which they didn't realise you were interested in, or they thought you wouldn't be interested in;

    3. They are just being mean.

    My best guess is Scenario 2 is the one which is applicable. Reason? They welcomed you into the group, and included you in their plans. If they were just plain mean (i.e. Scenario 3), they'd likely have given you the cold shoulder at that point. One thing I realised with people is, often times, what they do has very little to do with you. In other words, their actions usually aren't motivated by something you did or said. They may have excluded you, but not out of mean spiritedness. You have to realise that you are the "newcomer" to the group, and it'll take time for you to settle in with them. So quite likely, because you don't know each other fully yet, they don't know your interests, perhaps they thought you may have been busy, it didn't occur to them that you wanted to join in their do, or they're so used to organising activities within their original group, they forgot about you.

    Good friendship is usually built up over a period of time, not a couple of weeks or months. So give it time. Try to let them know your interests, and you'd like to be included in certain activities.

    The other point to remember is, just because this group is nice, doesn't mean you will gel with them totally. Its just the way life is - 2 or more individuals may get along fine in some aspects (e.g. over areas of mutual interests or hobbies), but not others. So don't stress over it. It's not you, its not them, its just the way people are.

    Of course, it is entirely possible that Scenario 1 is the one applicable. But unless you did something really drastic (which you'd probably remember), chances are, it'll get forgotten over time and everyone will go back to normal. And if it really bothered them, chances are someone will say something to you or you'll have picked up a hint. Otherwise, clearly they're a group which hasn't grown out of high school, and you're better off without them.

    Give it time. I'm sure things will sort itself out over time, and you'll feel better.

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