I haven't posted here in a while, mostly because I've been too busy fretting about anything and everything to even remember that this site exists.
Some of you will know, that I re-applied for College this September, following having to withdraw from my equine studies earlier this year due to severe mental illness. It was heartbreaking for me to leave, and I was determined to go back and re-take, but since I am still struggling to cope with being alive in itself, coping with never ending assignments and early-long days, having to deal with people every day is just too much right now. I went through the process, went to meetings at College a couple of weeks ago, filled in all the forms, but it's just not happening. The term starting date is today, and I finally plucked up the courage to tell myself and my family that I'm not going back this morning, at the last minute. The look of upset and disappointed in my mum has utterly killed me. The only reason I wanted to go back was to please my family, make something of myself, and show the world people with mental illness can do what 'normal' people do everyday, but I have given in to it now, it's controlling my life down to a T, and there's nobody there to help.
I was discharged from CAMHS 2 months ago, after turning 18-years-old and not being eligible for child services any more, and even though I was seeing them weekly for CBT for 5 months, they have done nothing for me at all. I have not had any sort of contact from them, nor the adult services in which I am supposed to be referred to, so I guess I'm just another adolescent lost in the system.
So now I have to live with the guilt and disappointment in myself, and in other people. I feel like such a failure because I have a mental illness, but I shut that disappointment away and isolate myself, so others assume I am lazy. I want to be out there, going to the shops every day, walking the dog, going out with friends, living the 'young, free College life', but that simply isn't happening for me. My family keep nagging at me to get a job, they don't understand my way of thinking, if I can't cope with College, how on earth am I going to cope in the work-world. People are telling me 'It's the way of life, you can't stop it'. Well the truth is, you can, and that is by death. In all honesty, I would rather not be here than have to live with these mental illnesses, I've had no childhood, no freedom, no fun, and I'm 18 now, so I can't even re-live it. I feel it's too late to have fun, I feel too mature and old, but not having a great child/teenagehood is seriously grinding at me. I hope to god I don't make it to old age.
And other news is, me and my fiance of 3 years are on a break, as I'm too messed up to cope with that, as well as a suicidal family, and the outside world being a total douche to me.
And my question is, what can be done about it in this day and age, nothing!