Disappointment, isn't it a vile emotion?

[MuffinChops]

I haven't posted here in a while, mostly because I've been too busy fretting about anything and everything to even remember that this site exists.

Some of you will know, that I re-applied for College this September, following having to withdraw from my equine studies earlier this year due to severe mental illness. It was heartbreaking for me to leave, and I was determined to go back and re-take, but since I am still struggling to cope with being alive in itself, coping with never ending assignments and early-long days, having to deal with people every day is just too much right now. I went through the process, went to meetings at College a couple of weeks ago, filled in all the forms, but it's just not happening. The term starting date is today, and I finally plucked up the courage to tell myself and my family that I'm not going back this morning, at the last minute. The look of upset and disappointed in my mum has utterly killed me. The only reason I wanted to go back was to please my family, make something of myself, and show the world people with mental illness can do what 'normal' people do everyday, but I have given in to it now, it's controlling my life down to a T, and there's nobody there to help.

I was discharged from CAMHS 2 months ago, after turning 18-years-old and not being eligible for child services any more, and even though I was seeing them weekly for CBT for 5 months, they have done nothing for me at all. I have not had any sort of contact from them, nor the adult services in which I am supposed to be referred to, so I guess I'm just another adolescent lost in the system.

So now I have to live with the guilt and disappointment in myself, and in other people. I feel like such a failure because I have a mental illness, but I shut that disappointment away and isolate myself, so others assume I am lazy. I want to be out there, going to the shops every day, walking the dog, going out with friends, living the 'young, free College life', but that simply isn't happening for me. My family keep nagging at me to get a job, they don't understand my way of thinking, if I can't cope with College, how on earth am I going to cope in the work-world. People are telling me 'It's the way of life, you can't stop it'. Well the truth is, you can, and that is by death. In all honesty, I would rather not be here than have to live with these mental illnesses, I've had no childhood, no freedom, no fun, and I'm 18 now, so I can't even re-live it. I feel it's too late to have fun, I feel too mature and old, but not having a great child/teenagehood is seriously grinding at me. I hope to god I don't make it to old age.

And other news is, me and my fiance of 3 years are on a break, as I'm too messed up to cope with that, as well as a suicidal family, and the outside world being a total douche to me.

And my question is, what can be done about it in this day and age, nothing!

[Richi74]

I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time right now and that your family isn't more understanding. Do they really understand that you have a real mental health problem? Maybe you need to have a serious talk with your mum. As for college: so you aren't ready for it yet. There's nothing stopping you trying again when you are ready. You are only 18 - it's never too late. When I was 18 I wanted to die, and I felt I had let myself and my parents down so I know it isn't easy but please don't make the same mistakes I did. I walked away from adult services because I could't handle losing my child counsellor who was great. I should have given them a chance - if they don't contact you then get in touch with them, either personally or through your GP. I know that can be scary but cry and shout if neccessary - make them understand you need and have a right to professional help. I hope you find the strength to get through this. We are here for you. xxx

[mimii]

Hi muffin, sorry to hear things don't seem to have improved and your still having a tough time, I'd try and find out what's going on with adult mhs, we had to wait ages then when I asked camhs about referral turns out there had been an admin error and request had not been processed so had to wait even longer.

I was wondering as you like horses if there's any stables nearby you could volunteer to help out at, that way theres no pressure, but you could still be learning and get to do something you enjoy, just a thought

Mimii xx

[Hidden]

Hi muffin

Sorry to read your post hun & things have got no better

Mimmii has given some great advise & as always we do care on here

I am so lost though why you are not getting the help you need , this one gets beyond me & I do wish I could help more

I did ask on another post , but you didnt answer , about your Mum was going to go to the GP'S . with you to hopefully speak up , maybe about meds , how did that go ?

I no its not much use & we dont feel we have the energy & we shouldnt have to , but sometimes we do have to keep going back to these people till they listen to us , yes its wrong , but I no from experience it can be the only way sometimes , we have to keep letting them no we are here & need help

Dont give up , even when you feel like it (i no it isnt easy ) you are stronger than what you think

Crazy idea maybe , but have you ever thought of contacting your local MP & letting them no how this system is letting you down , I did once over something else & they did actually do something , anything is worth a go , especially if we get a result at the end of it

Love

whywhy

xxx

[Hidden]

Hi muffin it's nice to hear from u, but not very nice that ur feeling the way u am don't be disappointed about college ur only 18 and there's still time in a few yrs to go there. People don't think of our mental health issues as they can't c it but we feel it and think it. Let people think wat they like as before u can do anything u need to get ur self rite. I wud contact ur mp as they r very useful in getting things sorted. Xxx

[thomson1898]

Hi Muffin, sorry things are no better.

Just wondering if you've managed to have a look on the Young Minds website, I put a link up on your last post. There's lots of good advice there for young adults.

Hope you find some help from somewhere

x