Sexual abuse in childhood. PTSD.

[MuffinChops]

I feel very depressed and anxious atm, mixed in with guilt, shame and embarrassment, but why??

I was on my Xbox on a car game, in an online cruise where players can drive together etc... And because I'm a girl, I get quite a lot of messages from male players. I liked it at the start, but now, it's driving me up the wall as they won't leave me alone! I was in a 'party' today (where 2 or more players can talk privately) and some foreign weirdo joined and started talking loads of rubbish, and then his mate joined (I don't know either of them btw) and he said 'she sounds like a hot milf' and they were both taking the mick, as 'men' do. I felt terrible because my OH was in the party too, and heard everything they said, he lost his rag and told them where to stick it, they soon left the party, but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I feel almost exploited like a prostitute or something similar.

My anxiety is doing loops, all I can think about is self harm, but I'm too stressed out to even do that! I feel so harassed that I've had to change everything about my gamer profile, I've changed it to a man so nobody knows I'm a girl, but why should I have to do that? It seems nobody respects women nowadays, I feel like it's all my fault that I attract male attention. I don't try at all, it's the weirdo's I attract though, they aren't even respectable men, just immature teenagers it seems.

I feel really stressed out and depressed, maybe even a little suicidal over this one MINUTE incident. I never thought being sexually abused in my younger years would make me feel this exploited in the smallest of situations. I feel like I can't dress up or go out, in case I attract someone, I feel trapped. I wish I was a fat black man! (No racism intended, but nobody seems to mess with that stereotype...) If I am touched in any way by any lad, I freak out, and have even attacked a lad once, I got so scared when he put his arms around my waist I elbowed him in the nose and broke it (this was 3 years ago.) I even feel like a slag when I get cuddly with my OH, I feel adrenaline and embarrassment whenever he touches me, even a simple hand on my arm, but I try to tolerate it, even though it's extremely hard to.

But now I'm sat here shaking and locking the doors, constantly thinking they are going to stalk me and rape me. I haven't been like this for a few months, but it does get to the point where I perform OCD behaviors such as locking down the house, pacing, rocking, in which case I am performing.

[jsp83]

hi, on xbox you can make parties private if you want , only invites can join, or block people who keep messaging you

[knowles8586]

they are just silly, immature boys! I feel for you and know what it is like to be used by men.

[Hidden]

O dear muffin

I really dont no what to say , for someone so young , you seem to have had more experiences & are going through more than most do in a life time

I hope when you are getting your help , you open up about all these issues & events that have happened to you , sometimes we keep them all in & then they continue to affect us all our life

Most could only talk on a one to one about such painful memories & even then struggle , you have opened up on here , if you can do it on here , tell someone that is dealing with you what happened , they can support you on this , as its a very serious issue & needs addressing , these things now are not taken lightly as child abuse / rape are very serious issues ! & anyone that has suffered such trauma , can & will get the help they deserve to help them move on

Let us no how you go on

Good luck

Love

whywhy

xxx

[Hidden]

Muffin I play Xbox also and have done for years...I get wound up off guys all the time. I know everyone on here are most likely sensitive souls but I just take it as banter...I've had every comment under the sun from guys and I just learned not to take it to heart. I bet if you met these guys in real life they would just be normal guys. I have male friends who I play online and they can be crude...but I guess I like being one of the guys sometimes so I can take a good winding up.

Please don't take it to heart mate and hope you continue to play and show the guys how good I bet you are

Xx

[LadySaabra]

Hello Muffin

Yeah I too know about being a proper girl gamer and often get dismissed as one of those hipster 'gamer gurls' - urgh. Sometimes I think it would be better to avoid these things but it is one of my favourite past-times and I remember I've been doing it long before most of these brats were even born...It amazes me how much some other people think they can get away with these days and it don't help those of us whose thoughts linger on such indiscetions that they always seem to get away with it...hope your new team is starting to help with the lingering thoughts - I'm rooting for you